ANSWERS: 43
  • Cool it with the ex. Your husband's needs come first. You can remain friends without "hanging out" together.
  • Prioritize. Husband's feelings more important than best friend's.
  • Price of taking new husband - give up all old boyfriends. He knows what you did together before - even their existence may be a problem, let alone them still being around to maybe try to do it again. If he's wise he'll know that a little bit of our heart stays forever with anyone we've really loved. It has to be locked away. Choose husband now - particularly if he is sweet little Miki's father. Mommy !
  • I agree with the others, even if you have no romantic feelings for the ex, it is advisable to "stay away from the fire so there is no chance you get burned". I am sure you have other friends who you never dated or are female, hang out with them. Logically, if you love your husband, you will respect his wishes despite how unreasonable they might appear.
  • I think it needs to be looked at the angle of whats appropriate behavior for a married woman. Hanging out with an ex-boyfriend who's also your best friend could jeopardize the future of your marriage and it seems that your priority is to your best friend? Your husband has a point.
  • Go to counseling... Someone that will help get it through your husbands head that you're his wife and the other guy is just a friend. Just because he's an ex-boyfriend doesn't make him a threat. If anything, it makes him less of a threat to your marriage - you tried going out, it didn't work, so you cooled it and decided just to be friends. When people break up, it doesn't have to end with one or the other being the bad guy... and it doesn't have to end with both people disconnecting completely. As humans, we make bonds with each other. Some stronger than others and in so many different ways. Why cut ties with people that are good for us when we could all do with as many friends as possible... nothing like going through life with a great support system of family AND friends!
  • You should pick the husband. You made vows with him. You made promises to him to be faithful and that means that he should be your best friend. You should protect your heart from being intimate with members of the opposite sex because when you go through a hard time with your marriage it will be too easy to take that intimacy to far and end up cheating on your husband. It happens all the time.
  • Um, your're more worried about the feelings of an exboyfriend over you're husbands? You're marriage now has a shelf life. And it ain't a long one. You have your priorities so messed up on this one. The health and security of your marriage should always come before anything else. And when it doesn't you need to sit down and figure out why. I fyou really love your husband the ex would have been gone a long time agoe. The fact that he's still around shows that you still have feelings for him. And I'm not talking just the platonic kind. So what should you do? You ned to drop the freind or you'll lose your husband. But some how that's what I think you want to have happen.
  • has your husband met your exbf?
  • Did your husband know how you felt before you got married, and was it understood that you expected to be able to continue the relationship with the friend?. It might be better resolved by putting it to your husband how YOU will honestly feel if you are forced to dissolve the friendship. If its a strong bond with your ex, then you will be devastated, and he will need to know how sad this will make you. (Ive been in this situation before too. Im glad you asked. The pain of dissolving all contact with my friend was very difficult, and in my mind, unecessary)
  • Stand your ground. All these little things couples give up slowly chip away at their livelyhood. Years down the road couples look around and wonder why things are dead in the relationship, these are the small things we give up that seem like nothing at the time but slowly build, and can lead to resentment. It's funny, we are drawn to eathother as independant individuals, then slowly our independence fades over time, and so does our attraction to eathother. If the ex is truely an ex and no more, there's no reason why you couldnt be friends. I'm friends with my ex and I wouldn't date anyone who was insecure about it. If you're not over him or are super flirty with the ex, that could be provoking for the husband, but lets face the reality... you're sleeping with your husband, you've made your choice. That should be a statement in itself.
  • Stand your ground. All these little things couples give up slowly chip away at their livelyhood. Years down the road couples look around and wonder why things are dead in the relationship, these are the small things we give up that seem like nothing at the time but slowly build, and can lead to resentment. It's funny, we are drawn to eathother as independant individuals, then slowly our independence fades over time, and so does our attraction to eathother. If the ex is truely an ex and no more, there's no reason why you couldnt be friends. I'm friends with my ex and I wouldn't date anyone who was insecure about it. If you're not over him or are super flirty with the ex, that could be provoking for the husband, but lets face the reality... you're sleeping with your husband, you've made your choice. That should be a statement in itself.
  • The more I look at this question, and how it is worded, the more it worries me. Best friend just "happens" to be an ex-boyfriend, eh ? What does that mean? As though it is a total surprise and co-incidence, unconnected with the previous relationship, like your best friend might just "happen" to like caged birds ? And you "hang out with him"? Where is you husband while this "hanging out" occurs ? Do you have any children who might enjoy your time, or is this while your husband is at work and your children at school ? This might just about be ok if your husband was fully in support of it, but even then I would think it very ill-advised. But he's not. And you characterize his unhappiness as "jealousy". You don't just need to just "jeopardize" this relationship, girl. You need to scrub it out, completely, now. The language you use is very loaded, and like others here, I think it suggests you are not committed to this marriage, and have no idea how to love your husband. Would this "ex" have you back ? Does he have another girl? What does she feel about you "hanging" with her man as his "best friend". Wouldn't she expect to be his best friend of all the opposite sex ? My hope is that if you eventually run to this man, when your husband has had all the disloyalty he can take, your "best friend" suddenly turns out not to be as keen for intimacy as you think, and you realize the real meaning of the word "jeopardize". Rant over. Now go cuddle hubby, and stop being silly. You asked our opinions, and you got them. So there !
  • Drop the friend nicely. If he really is your good friend he will realise that that is the best and only thing for your major, most important relationship. Spouses should come first in every way, even above children. If you treat your spuse in the highest regard, treat each other that way, then all others in a family will feel it and benefit. I've seen the happiest, well-balanced children in homes where the parents are fully dedicated to each other and full of integrity.
  • Many of my friends are ex-girlfriends and many of my friends are my wife's ex-boyfriends. A strong relationship involves trust and confidence. I know that my wife has slept with these guys, but that was before we met. She knows the same thing about me. If my ex-girlfriends were a real threat I would have married one of them instead of my wife, and my wife recognizes this. There's a reason they're "ex". It's possible that your husband can never come around to this understanding, but if he could, it would make your relationship stronger. How do you deal with his exes?
  • Shouldn't your best friend be your husband?????? There's a difference between an abusively jealous husband who doesn't even want you saying "hello" to men in general situations to a husband who is jealous because your "best friend is your exboyfriend". Your husband's jealousy is normal, healthy and warranted. Stop making your husband jealous and start making your husband your best friend!
  • I would stop hanging with your ex, and respect your husbands feelings. I totally understand where he is coming from.
  • I've been in this situation personally. My ex-wife's best friend was an ex-lover and it was nothing but a bone of contention between us. Leave the friend alone and stick with your husband if you want to keep him. Otherwise, be prepared for a lot of animosity and arguing. I hated him and had a great deal of resentment toward her and she couldn't (or wouldn't) understand why.
  • I can understand why your husband may be uneasy about an ex being your best friend. However, if the best friend extends himself to your husband and your husband is secure in the relationship he has with you than this shouldn't be an issue at all. You married your husband not the ex. And your ex is probably an ex for good reason. There is nothing wrong with maintaining relationships with an ex as long as both of you are in agreement about the current relationship (ie you both are cool w/just being friends). If your relationship with your husband wasn't solid to begin with then it doesn't matter who you bring around, ill intentions or not, your husband is always going to dictate who can be your friends. Tell him to get over himself.
  • Jeez, drop a friend b/c hubby is jealous? What's w/ you people? Some husbands are jealous of a wife's best female friend. Some husbands are jealous of wife's pets. Should the wife dump her best friend and get rid of her cat b/c hubby's jealous? There's no reason why a friendship with an ex and a current marriage can't be compatible. My ex-husband became friends with my partner, and they get along fine. When I was married to my now-ex-husband, he had no problem w/ my friendship w/ my ex-boyfriend. It's a good quality in people if they can break up and stay friends. The only question I would have is to really ask *yourself* if you have romantic feelings of any sort for your ex. B/c then you're asking for trouble. But if he's truly a friend-friend, then try and spend some time hanging out w/ him and your husband together. Does your ex have a girlfriend? If he does, invite them both over to dinner w/ you and hubby. If not, tell hubby you're inviting him to the next small gathering of friends you have. What do hubby and your ex have in common (besides you)? A hobby? A favorite team? Give them a chance to get to know each other. Actually, my ex-boyfriend's wife and I would sit around at parties and talk about his idiosyncrasies. :-) If your husband insists that you stop seeing your friend/ex-boyfriend, then he's being insecure and controlling. These are bad signs; men who are unreasonably jealous and controlling might not just be satisfied w/ cutting you off from a friend who's an ex. Next he might pick another target and isolate you more and more. That's a sign of a potential abuser. If you can't see your way to a compromise on this issue, then a couple of sessions w/ a couples counselor should cover it if your husband cares about your happiness. But, in all honesty, before you do anything, do ask yourself if you would be as understanding as you would like *him* to be if he was hanging out w/ an ex-g/f. Some of his jealousy is understandable and making sure he knows why you love him, *exclusively*, on a romantic level is reassurance any partner would need. But when he starts trying to control who you see, I'd, gently, assert myself and try to find ways he can get to know that your best friend is not a threat to your marriage.
  • astarte59, right on, you have hit on some points that are truely important, has her husband met him, has she ever misled her husband about who she was going to see and then went and saw her freind, are there other reasons why he might think that "something" might happen? I truely think that if one is to start a relationship with a new partner, then both must be prepared to give up past partners. They may be the greatest freinds in the world but there just wasnt enough there for more of a relationship. Why threaten your current relationship with your history? If they are truely a freind then they will understand. If they are a freind that you feel may be able to handle the new situation, for gods sake talk to your partner first, allow him/her to meet that person and that alone should make them more comfortable. It is a very uneasy situation though and not easy to maintain without conflict. One final comment..... to all those who think this person is just being controlling. We dont know enough about the situation to make that judgement. He may have stated that if she continued to see her ex's that he would have to leave. That is not controlling that is determining what his standards are and what he feels he is capable of in a relationship. He may know that he is not capable of maintaining a relationship in a situation like that, but then I dont know that is what he said either. This I do know for sure relationships are hard enough,,, why do we want to put stumbling blocks in our way on purpose. So, sorry, mikismommy, If you want to see old flames, make sure it aint gonna make your current flame go out first. Your partner should be the most important man/woman in your life.
  • I notice how you refer to your ex boyfriend as your best friend. Your husband should be your bestfriend. If he isn't maybe you married the wrong guy.Being married isn't a game we play, it's life. people have to work on thier marriages all the time. It's all about give and take. So give up the puppy love and take care of your man. If you don't someone else willlllllllllll
  • Drop the friend-boy and keep the husband. Emotional infidelity is a real threat here. Marriage should be about integration not compartmentalization of life. Besides there's often a sexual charge btwn the sexes especially when you were once a couple. Don't play in traffic. Good men are hard to find.
  • I think you should respect your husband's feelings about this situation and not see this man. Your husband should be your first priority.
  • You're husband is suppose to be your best friend. You need to ask yourself if this ex is really just a friend. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
  • What a selfish little girl you are to put a friendship before a marriage and then to blame the husband's objections as the cause of strife in the marriage. If you're looking for suport and sympathy for your plaight in this one you're not going to find it here except among the other cheaters. You need to start being a wife and respecting your husband and his feelings over a relationship with an ex. If you can't do that then you need to woman up and admit that to him before you go way out of bounds. That way he can divorce you and go find someone who understands what "Forsaking all others" means.
  • Maybe step back from the situation and think about how your husband feels. And question why your husband is not your best friend. You have your priorities all messed up here or your marriage is a sham.
  • With all due respect, you are married to your husband not your friend. Be honest, can you not understand why this is a problem. Husband is not being an idiot and fussing like a 15 year old boy who doesn't know any better. Yeah I know that you should be able to have any friends you choose but don't dig your heels in over this one - it's never going to be OK however much you tell him that he should know you better and all of that. If he wanted to hang out with his ex-girlfriend and did so regardless of your feelings, it would be just as careless. If you value your marriage then why not give in gracefully - it will not mean that husband won the argument & it will send a clear message to him. Pick your battles wisely - this is one fight you don't want to have, What if, you just decide to be kind to husband & do as he asks? You don't have to ring your friend and make a big announcement about it - just tell him quietly what your reasons are and leave it at that. Your husband is also your friend you know - and you don't hurt your friends.
  • Your marriage should have way more priority than the ex, plus, it is generally not a good idea for married women to have male friends. Having couples as friends is ok, but single men hanging around my wife would not fly in my house, or most others I would believe. Your husband is right onthe money with this one, you are out of line.
  • you still have feelings for your ex. thats why you are in doubt and dont knoo wat to do. if u truly love ur husband then u would of picked him beforee ur friend with out thinking. that happened to me.
  • I'm currently going through what your husband is going through. And here's my advice: (1) stop having a relationship with your exboyfriend, (2) Don't ever blame your husband for it or make him feel guilty for what YOU are doing to HIM, (3) love your husband with all your heart and make him feel that he is the number one priority in your life. Trust me - I am living your husband's life. My husband is doing the same thing with his ex. It has rocked me to the core and to be quite honest, despite my efforts to explain this to him, i'm not sure how long i can last being second place to another woman. Your husband may start feeling the same if you don't do something about it now. Imagine your life without him and it being your fault that he left. If he means anything to you, then you need to put him FIRST. Not yourself and definitely not your ex!
  • Hang out as a trio once in a while. Show your husband that you have nothing to hide. That could be a good start.
  • I'm gonna tell it like it is. Your an idiot! How dare you care more about your ex-boyfriends feelings than your own husband. The only reason people hang out with their exes is because there is still interest and you should not have gotten married if you have that attitude. Your husbands feelings should mean more to you than exboy. Only a complete idiot would think the way you do.
  • Your husband should be your best friend.
  • Friendships are nice, but your spouse is your number one priority. Even if it doesn't make sense, honor his feelings about this and cool off the friendship.
  • There comes a point where you have to make a decision on where your loyalties ultimately lay.. A genuine friend will understand and accept this.
  • Your husband is your priority. Talk to him and make it clear that you're just friends. Maybe your husband would be OK with you hanging out if he's there as well. Or maybe another mutual friend. But even if not, you need to respect your husband's feelings and not just write them off as 'jealousy.' I doubt you'd be thrilled if an ex girlfriend of his came into his life and they started hanging out together.
  • you don't want to jeapordize your friendship with a friend but you are willing to jeopardize your friendship with your husband? that's twisted....
  • First of all was this best friend in your life before you got married? Did you invite this friend to come to your wedding? Did your husband meet this person before the I DO's? This is not a good start to any marriage? Is it ok for him the hang out with his ex-girlfriend? You and your husband need to seat down and talk come to an understanding (sak)
  • if your ex boyfriends feelings are more important than you husbands no wonder he's jealous
  • Please your husband, that was your promise yo...
  • Do you want to be with your ex or your husband? From the hubby's point of view, he's a threat. He got to you before, and what's to say it won't happen again? Cliche' or not, absolute trust is the key to a relation.
  • tell your husband if he truely loves you and trusts you he shouldnt mind you being friends with your ex.

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