ANSWERS: 12
  • I'd say no way man, you have a right to be pissed about this one if she cheated once with that guy how are you supposed to know she wont again? it's good that you let her hang out with other guys to show her your not the jealous type but I'd say not that one.. but that's just me.
  • I dont know your ages, or how long the relationship has gone on. However, I think it is very wrong for her to be talking to him or seeing him. If she "didn't finish" saying goodbye works. You sound very compassionate and understanding by trying to trust her. You cannot make her stop, but I would certainly tell her what she is doing is unacceptable and uncomfortable for you. Then take the conversation from there. She cant cheat on you, then talk to the guy, that is not right. It is either you or him. She has not right to have her cake and eat it too.
  • OK, don't wish to harsh but can't think of another way to explain this. When we are betrayed by our partner the damage inflicted is pretty severe (especially if you love them). It takes a long, long time for the trust to be rebuilt. Much of the damage repair work should be done by the 'betrayer' (as they did something to break the trust of the other. Therefore, if she cheated on you then it is her that must regain YOUR trust not vice versa. Asking you to tolerate further communication between herself and the third party will not heal anything at all. Of course you do not trust her at the moment, how could you? Ask yourself what she's done to attone for cheating on you? OK, she's apologised (nice & simple to do, doesn't have to be sincere). It is not enough. To gauge whether the apology is sincere or just another porky you must look at the behaviour of the person and over time, make your judgement. The trick to this stuff and it's not always easy is to try to separate things in two. If you can, look at this problem factually (put all the emotional stuff aside to deal with later and concentrate on the facts as they stand. Listen to your head, look at things logically just as you would approach a practical problem (washing machine or relationship is broken, I know why, what are the next steps that will fix it, eg. what needs to be done here). Your brain should at some point come up with 'hmm, she cheated on me, she broke MY trust but I am being told to regain HER trust. Why? Her trust (in me) has not changed; surely, it's the other way around? Why am I the one being punished by having to put up with her still having contact with the other guy? I did not do anything wrong. Perhaps you may also question what repair work is being carried out to regain YOUR trust and respect. Err, not a lot at the moment. In fact, bugger-all from where I'm standing. I see not evidence of any real regret or remorse for hurting my feelings. If she were truly sorry and filled with regret (not to mention guilt) then why on earth would she continue with the same behaviour that cause the problem in the first place. Instead of saying to herself 'Wish I hadn't cheated on him with Fred. Hope he believes me when I say sorry, he may not at first. I must therefore prove this to him and I can do that by never clapping eyes on Fred again, I will not mention him or have any contact of any sort either directly or indirectly all the time we remain together. Because I love him, I will do these things because (1) I am sorry for the pain I caused and do not want to hurt him again, and (2) because I have to PROVE myself TRUSTWORTHY in his eyes'. Having got this far, do her actions not seem a little odd? Cheat on partner with 'Fred'. Regain partner's trust by continuing to see 'Fred'. Ah, yes. This must have taken hours to work out. WOW. If only we were all as clever. To summarise (stay awake, nearly done now). She betrayed you once. She is doubtless aware of how she made you feel (embarrassed, cheated, foolish, worthless, unattractive, dull, over/underweight, vulnerable, scared and ashamed (everybody knows these feelings). However, despite this and a few apologetic words, she still continues to hurt me again and again by having contact with the guy. She betrayed ne because she does not care for me enough and therefore my feelings, meant little to nothing to her. I hate to be the voice of reason but, you do not hurt people that you love. In fact, if you love a person will you not go to extreme lengths so they do not get hurt even at your own cost. She's talking crap and being very disrespectful to you. All the time you continue to tolerate this, you are teaching her that it's OK to treat you badly and so it will continue. Sorry. God, are you still there or are you in a coma. Wow that took a long time. I must now go downstairs to make sure the cat-flap is working properly (lots of wind) and none (of the) cats is trapped outside.
  • i have the same problem just it is with my best friend so i got drunk beat his ass and well they still talk just not alone or over the phone but ya you cant control her but you can tell her that if she loved you she wouldnt talk to him.
  • Firstly, it is probably not the best thing for her to be speaking regularly to a person with whom she has previously cheated. Secondly, you can't stop her from talking to the guy, but you can express your discomfort. If she says "Don't you trust me?" You can be honest and say "Not completely, no, not yet". If she is concerned about gaining your trust back, she will act in a way that befits trust, not suspicion. If she continues to pursue a friendship with him despite the discomfort this brings you, it can call into question her desire to be trusted, or her commitment to the relationship.
  • What do you mean by "let her"??? That sounds like you are a control freak or act like you own her. If you are, she needs to get out of your relationship and perhaps that is why she wants to "talk" to him. I'm surprised that/if she asked you. Best for the two of you to talk to each other with an open mind to accept and consider the kind of person whom you are in the/any relationship...maybe your mother or father was a controller and you subconsciously became the same. If there is inadequate trust and perhaps no love between the two of you, break it off and just be friends...or you may never even see each other again even in a crowd. Do get counseling before starting a new relationship.
  • If she doesn't recognise why you should be protective and she has already cheated with you so I would say that this girl is not working out unless she can gain back your trust.
  • Simply go to her and say look, im obviously hurt by what you did but in my opinion i think we're moving on, because of how i feel about u i took you back, it wasnt easy but i did it, if you feel as strongly about me as i do about you you should be willing to make a similar sacrifice. You still seeing this guy is making me uncomfortable, because of what happened not because i think u'll do it again, if u love me ull stop. But if ur not willing to make the same sacrifices for me as i am for u or do not care how this is affecting me, we have a problem. This relationship can not function one way.
  • I think you have to ask yourself how committed to this relationship your girlfriend is. She has already betrayed you by being unfaithful, but this is life and sometimes we make very poor decisions. However, were she truly committed to rebuilding the foundation of the relationship, I would think the last thing she would do is continue to communicate with this person. She knows it hurts you, knows it inhibits trust and does nothing to repair the damage inflicted. How dedicated to your future together can she be? You may want to sit down and have a discussion about the future and what each of you want. If it's a common goal, you'll work together to make it happen. If it's not, she'll continue doing what she likes, leaving you on the sidelines to watch.
  • Okay, it's seven months later from the time you asked this question. If I were you, I would not use the word "let" with a woman, especially one you are not married to. My advice to you or anyone in this situation. Let the woman choose. A) Be with me and me only B) Go off and be with this guy and finish what you started This gives her the opportunity to follow her own feelings. Perhaps she is not the woman for you.
  • I wouldn't try and control her behavior. If you are having a great time with her the "cheating" should not matter as long as it is discreet and you know you are #1 with her. If you would rather be with someone else maybe this is the time to let go.
  • Didn't finish what?

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