ANSWERS: 13
  • Accidental. Didn't mean to post here.
  • Lots of people are unhappy about their childhood, but there's no point in dragging on about it. I don't think you have to "love" him as such any more - he sounds like a spoiled brat to me - because you obviously did the best you could under the circumstances and he is old enough to recognize that. If he can't hold down a job he's apparently secure enough in the knowledge that you will provide for him and happy to take advantage of it, so he should quit whining and grow up. Don't feel guilty about not 'loving' him, just try to cope with the situation until he eventually moves on. I freely admit I have trouble with my second son (now 37) and given the choice I probably wouldn't associate with him, much less 'love' him, but we manage to get along most of the time.
  • That's ok Zazzy, my older son used to blame me for his problems or issues. He had a distorted perception of the past. He was finally diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, now we get along great. He blamed me for working 2 jobs, he blamed me for divorcing his (abusive) father, saying I stayed too long. He thought I was never there for him etc. Maybe get him some therapy if he will go. He is just angry for some reason, and resentful
  • I've rarely come across any grown child who doesn't blame something negative in their current lives or personalities on their parent/parents or upbringing. All you need to know is that you did the best you could, and now it's your son's job to take responsibility for his own actions and for how he chooses to live his life in the present. Advise him you understand how he feels, you've heard what he had to say, and now it's time for him to hold himself accountable for his future. Many many people in this world waste years of adulthood blaming someone else for their present state of affairs. There's no rule that states you have to buy into it.
  • By giving lots of things, you showed him that mom will support me no matter what. You were feeling guilty by not being there so you showered him with the things you thought would take your place. You already love your son, what you want to know is how to stop feeling guilty in the decisions you know you need to make now.
  • I'm sure we're not alone zazzy! Sometimes they just push us too far too often until it all becomes too hard!
  • My partner had a similar ride to JustNormal; excepting her son DID seem to understand why she had to divorce his father, and when he was about 14 or 15 HE decided that he was DONE with Dad too. The Son did spend rather a lot of energy BLAMING his Mom for "NOT being THERE" when he was growing up. She worked third shift as a machinist. Having not gone after Dad for any support at all, because she wanted sole custody, and Dad agreed to that, although Father & Son DID see each other regularly during the son's childhood. Son took rather A WHILE to comprehend that his Mom had to work the best paying hours to afford to pay the mortgage (she had put all of the money down on the house, but still had to buy off Dad to keep it. Dad's mentality was I work to pay for what I WANT and where I want to go. AND he was a drunk off and on, AND beat her almost to death). Now that the Son is 19, working almost full time, he is learning first hand that when you work for a living you are tired. He understands better why his Mom HAD TO SLEEP during the day, while we was either in preschool, parked at his grandparents, or when he was older, after school. I've talked to him a lot about it. If you think you could have done better own that, but DO NOT buy into his whiny GUILT TRIPS! There is no instruction manual for life, most of us do the best we can at the time. If you are supporting him financially now, out of guilt...STOP IT...give him notice that you love him with all your heart, but it's time to grow UP. My partner (with my support) told her son, that if he wasn't going on right now to college, when he graduated high school, fine..but you aren't sitting on your butt either, you have a part-time job now...either get a second part-time job, or start looking for one that will give you more hours or full time. He did, and now he pays the electric bill every month, the odd additional one, like water, and also helps buy food for the house. He also does the dishes since our house rule is THE ONE WHO COOKS DOES NOT DO DISHES. If he's worked a long day, and his Mom made dinner, I'll do the dishes, because that's fair too. He also helps clean the house along with us. You want to live here, you participate in making our house a home. Time to give him a gentle shove off of the Gravy Train and into the REAL WORLD!
  • My 17 ye old has done the same to me, I think Redhawk gave good advice. I would like to add that your son has probably found a way to take the focus off all the things he isn't doing, and put you on the defensive. Notice, does he ever come to Mom quietly and want to talk about his crappy childhood? Or does it just come up when he is called upon to do something? I would suggest that you tell him, "I understand that there were things in your childhood that you would like to discuss, and I am willing to have a quiet conversation about that later. Right now we're discussing, chores (or work, or school or whatever), and I would like to finish up with that before we change to a new subject. Stick to it, do not let the subject be changed, and later, if he comes quietly and wants to talk about his crappy childhood, do. Good Luck!
  • I went through a milder form of this problem with my older daughter, who seemed to blame me for The Divorce and for not having what she perceived as a "normal family". She used this as an excuse to blame everything on other people, or being the victim of circumstances beyond her control. When you throw a mental illness into that mix that level of difficulty increases exponentially. Your son needs to recognize that no matter what happened in the past, it is the NOW he needs to be in, and that he is in charge of the "now". Recriminations aren't serving any purpose, but he does this because he can control YOU to that extent - he can make you feel bad. It is the one way he knows he can have an effect. So, I say to you, let go. It's hard, it's torture. "Let go" doesn't mean cut him out, it means "let him be who he is." His need to be in some sort of control is also evidenced by his refusal to take meds for his bi-polar condition. Many bi-polar people feel the drugs take control of them and rob them of their self determination. If he thinks you are doing the same thing (by trying to HELP), his frustrations will no doubt be delivered in your direction. As painful as this is, you cannot change him, and you both need to let go of what is past and cannot be changed. Love him for who he is.
  • The easy thing is to just accept it.  I know as I have a 21 year old who frustrates the living daylights out of me.  Had 1 year of college but received absolutely no credit, that was almost 2 years ago and has yet to hold down a steady job.  He absolutely refuses to do anything around the house unless you almost shame him into it.  He is a child of instant gratification, if you have to work long and hard at it, that's too much trouble.  He screams, swears, threaten to leave (which I would gladly help him pack and show him the door)and just generally makes life miserable.  We were good parents when he was growing up, sacrificed a lot so the kids would have something, and now he is a totally spoiled young man or old boy, not sure which.  If he were an employee, he would have been fired long ago.  I no longer feel guilty as these are the choices he made.  Had nothing to do with the way he was raised.  I know that because his younger sister (19) was raised by the same parents in the same house and she is absolutely wonderful.  He walked out of the house one day a young, wonderful boy and walked in a monster. Like most others, it's everyone's fault except for his. There is no personal responsibility or culpability for the way his life is to date.  We've tried everything, helping out, guiding him, professional care, and I have finally come to the conclusion that I can't give any more, I'm drained emotionally and mentally.  He chose to be this way, he'll have to be mature enough one day to figure it all out and realize until he changes, nothing changes.  You can give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he can eat for a lifetime.  I no longer will be buying the fish
  • At 21 it is time he realised that you stopped parenting him a few years ago when he became an adult. Since then his life has been in his own hands and is his own responsibility. If it is not going the way he wants it to then he needs to change what he is doing. Sitting and blaming people for his past isn't going to make him a better future.
  • kick his ass to the curb... that easy
  • You don't love such a creature, that time is now gone as he's 21. Unless you want him murdering you for your wealth, you need to act now to get that loser into a proper education. Therapy can help too, but you need to grow up too. What you've been doing for him has not worked for 21 years what makes you think it will work in another 21 years? Madness is doing the same thing over and expecting different results.

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