ANSWERS: 35
  • I hypotised you the other night. That weird dream you had was really the squirells taking advantage of you. The funny thing is - you just said squirell and nuts, never no.
  • Maybe you were passed out?
  • I think it means when someone was drunk and had sex with someone and can't remember if they said yes or no or aren't sure weather they said "no" loudly enough.
  • I think this is going to just bog down the sytem even more. Either it was rape or it wasn't and you should know if you were or not. If you're not 100% sure your case will not meet the burden of proof in a criminal court anyways. It's also going to confuse people about sex and consent even more then they already are. More women are going to hink they were raped when they really weren't and more guys are going to get caught up in it.
  • but if you are passed out you might not know if someone had sex with you
  • Sometimes she's too scared to say no.
  • It could be applied to people that are not fully in control of their decisions such as mentally impaired or people under extremely stressful conditions?
  • if you go anywhere and get so drunk that you don't know if you said yes or no then maybe rape shouldn't be your main concern.Anyone who gets that drunk gets what they deserve, after all think of all the innocent women and children that are raped from someone entering their home or taking them by force in broad daylight of the street,thoes are the ones that deserve justice,not a woman that gets so drunk that she can't remember if,or who.Think about the innocent children and women that could only wish to have no memory of a situation they didn't ask for.
  • Does this have anything to do with rape victims thinging they were 'asking for it' or identifing with thier rapist? I googled it, and it seems to be something more to do with college campuses. I think it a load of crap. The next thing you know victims will be told that because they had a few drinks and can't remember exactly what happened, that there is nothing to be done.
  • How about if you were too drunk to resist and could barely understand what was going on, except that it was something really bad and that you didn't want to be there? I can see a gray area, but you know, that's just me...
  • I have not heard that term. Do they mean someone who is older (gray-haired) being raped perhaps? How can someone not be 100% sure?.. unless that person was drugged and didn't remember anything!
  • The ultimate in ridicululousness. If you are not sure say no. If you are too drunk or drugged to care, don't care later. People just need to grow up and get a life.
  • It's like pregnancy, you are or your not.
  • I recently glanced through an article in cosmo that talked about grey rape and didnt think twice about it. I had much of the same opinions as you do...either it was or it wasnt right?!? Then I got a reality check and I was what I would consider grey rape. I think it most definitely classifies as some sort of sexual assault but it hard to be proven. I had had a lot to drink (to the point where I was blacked out). Some may say I deserve it but Im not that type of person. I had gotten in two pretty huge fights with two of my best friends in the past week and had some other shit going on. While I agree it was stupid on my part to get that drunk, i dont think I asked for some freak who I dont know or who I dont eve know what he looked like to come and have sex with me. Its bullshit for anyone who says so......wait till it happens to you and then lets have a discussion!
  • Sexual assault is a crime that very bright people are very ignorant about. Rape in American culture is portrayed as a stranger in a dark alley grabbing a girl at night and sexually assaulting her in an alley, using force as well as a weapon. Many people believe this is the typical form of the crime, but this isn’t usually the case. Eighty-six percent of all rape is perpetrated by someone who is known to the victim and with alcohol being the drug of choice in the vast majority of drug facilitated sexual assaults, there is no need for another weapon or even threat of force. A woman might not be sure that what happened to her was rape even if she DID say no. She may be unwilling to admit powerlessness or that what happened was not consentual. She may blame herself for walking alone at night or for wearing that short skirt or flirting with that guy or for having that last drink. There is a reason why in many states, if a person is drunk they are legally incapable to consenting to sex. I have heard many law enforcement presentations to young men (although this most certainly goes for young women as well) if the person you want to sleep with is drinking…just don’t. It is not worth it. So, this “gray rape” phenomenon is just another way to blame the victim. “She didn’t explicitly say no.” Does that mean that she explicitly said yes? “She didn’t fight back.” Maybe she thought it wouldn’t prevent the assault, which is the language used in most laws. Not fighting back or physically resisting does not mean the sex was consentual. She could have frozen, been paralyzed with fear. She could have not believed what was happening to her. A million things could account for her doing what she did. A lot of times, a victim will just do whatever she has to to get it over with quickly so she can get as far away as possible. So, I would encourage people to educate themselves more about the dynamics of sexual assault and don’t make rash assumptions. Also, I would encourage people to check out The Date Safe Project at http://www.thedatesafeproject.org/posters_do_you_ask.htm. They have a great new poster line that helps illustrate the importance of asking and communicating. *The use of feminine pronouns is because women and girls are more likely than men to be the victims of sexual assault. This, however, does not diminish the pain of the experiences of male survivors.
  • I read this article in Cosmo- and I read about women who wanted it, but then for whatever reason decided to back out, but the guy kept going- either because they didn't speak up loudly enough, or didn't put up any kind of fight- and then later said they were raped. I also heard about how some women would start something, and then change their minds in the middle, and even and especially if the guy stopped, they would still say it was rape because they didn't want to do it in the first place. To me that's chicken shit. They just didn't want to admit they slept with that person consentually and are putting blame on this guy for just getting his groove on. Yes there ARE some gray areas, but what Cosmo was talking about was not "rape". It was- I dunno. Not rape, that's for sure. It's rape when you say no, or stop, something that would mean "Do not continue", and they continue after you have said so. Then it's rape. Otherwise, you're just having sex and trying to make it not count. That's horrible.
  • Did I give my consent to a sexual act? Then it's not rape. Did I not give my consent either expressly (by saying no) or implied (being mentally altered, alseep, etc.)? Then it is rape. Regret and rape are not the same things. If I start something and go through with it even though I've changed my mind, I can't pin that on anyone else.
  • I want to thank everyone for their thoughts on this subject. AB is good place for awareness and dialog of different subjects that people don't really delight in talking about over dinner or at a party. What is next? A sex contract. A woman must sign and date a form to release her sex partner from possible rape charges down the line? Might just be something on the horizon.
  • I think you're exactly right. Although law states that each person is supposed to give a clear-cut 'yes' before relations are had, you have to wonder how realistic that is. You don't normally ask your lover if he/she wants to have sexual relations, you just do it. There is implied consent when the person doesn't stop you in some way. If the person says no, or is passed out or unable to say no for whatever reason, that's rape. Changing your mind after a drunken one night stand is not. People just don't want to admit that maybe they messed up.
  • I'm a firm believer that anyone should only have to say no once...but what if she feared for her life or something?
  • to Wickles the regular #1 you might want to read the comment I gave,before you so rudely put in an answer that is completely irrelevent to what i said,which as a matter of fact I was drugged and raped when I was young which is why I NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. So I will break down and simplify what I said which is that "if a woman goes out to purposely gets so drunk she can't remember if she said yes or no,it is not fair to the guy(who could be just as drunk and not remember,(men get taken advantage of too)who started or what was said)to be labled a rapist,if he didn't know either.Of course if someone purposely takes advantage,or drugs someone, they should get full punishment.#2 I was also saying that I feel the most, for women that are raped by someone in their own home,where they should be safe.Not only is that feeling of being safe in their own home gone,but because they are sober they do not have the luxury of not remembering,one night of violence becomes a life of nightmares.So to Wickles, try getting off your high horse, you might be able to give an acurate comment if you could see the writting.
  • i agree, you either said no or you didn't. you can't throw yourself on a guy at closeing time and then wake up in his bed that afternoon and change your mind about it. rape is sex that you are unwilling to engage in, not the drunken fling you regret.
  • In my opinion...(I am female), I do not believe in rape unless it is against a child. Women have way too many rights in this world as it is and now to have a women cry rape against any man she deems 'out of control' is hogwash! There have actually been reports of wives charging their husbands with rape, WTF? How in the world is a man having sex with his wife considered rape? I think society should lighten up and get with it here! Quit screaming rape every time a man looks at you wrong and people may start sympathizing with you. The thing that bothers me the most is when a woman uses a 'rape' as a means of blackmail, all a woman has to o nowadays is say they were raped by 'so-and-so' and he is instantly put in jail and then has to register as a violent sex offender... (Before you send me 'hate mail' I will let you know that I too have been 'raped', well if that is what you would like to call having sex with another human being?)
  • I really don't know much about the supposed "gray rape" area, however I can say this quite clearly (judging from several answers here) A person should be responsible for his/her own actions when drunk. It is your choice to get intoxicated, do not do it if you know that you cannot control yourself in a certain situation. A drunk driver is responsible for his/her actions if he/she kills someone, why should it not be the same for sex? This does not apply to those who's drink was spiked and they were unaware, or those who are given date rape drugs of course, but I just believe that a person should be responsible for their actions, if I got drunk tonight and shot and killed someone because I thought they were threatening me, I would be responsible, why should it not be the same for sex?
  • Well... I woke up to my husband trying to f me while I was sleeping.... it definitley wasn't concentual.... and I was so very disgusted.... but does it consitute (attempted)rape? I think so. If a man pulls a woman into an alleyway and forces sex on her, it is rape. If someone drugs you and then forces sex you you, then you wake up in strange place and don't know what actually happened, is it rape? This would be a grey situation.... was she raped or not? She doesn't remember.
  • I can see how that might happen if you'd been drinking - if you were very drunk and woke up knowing that something you didn't want had happened but couldn't be entirely sure whether you gave the impression of consenting to it or not. Because of the increase in drug rape, if you've been drinking as well you might feel like you've been drugged and raped, but because you've never taken that drug before not be able to be entirely sure that they weren't just incredibly drunk and couldn't do much to resist the guy when he came onto her. I mean - really, if you're lying semi-concious and unable to move during or after a mad party and some guy takes advantage you haven't got a hope in hell of convincing anyone that you weren't up for it. Cases like that are fairly common, but for the most part don't get anywhere near a court room, either because the person just decides not to report it, or because the evidence is virtually non-existent so the police investigating can't really do a lot. I think there are grey areas. There's lots of situations I've come across where it's fairly clear that *something* bad has happened, and that the guy has clearly done something to violate the girl - but whether it really stands up convincingly as rape in a legally defensible way is questionable. You also have situations where people have been raped by their ex's or housemates, or friends, people they might have had flirtatious or even sexual relationships with in the past - how on earth do you prove that it wasn't willing, rough sex that time as well? And what if a guy threatened to hurt your family if you refused to have sex with him - and you go along with it - is that rape? If a guy threatens to hurt you and you know he's capable of it, but all he does is hold you down (which a lot of boyfriends would do in consensual sex) - is that rape? What if you're just plain too frightened to struggle - people freeze up when theyre scared sometimes - does that mean you're consenting? Other than being attacked by a stranger with a gun in the street (which is very rare) I think most rape could be classed as "grey area".
  • depends if there was some sort of drug involved that ultered memory of what had happen. It certainly happens alot! you can't remember due to this, then it shouldn't be just thrown out and called baloney!
  • have you ever heard of date rape drugs, you sort of know something's wrong but you can't resist or fight back, the only way to know is if u have a blood test straight away otherwise it can't be detected.
  • so two cases, both which happened to me When I was much younger I had consented to have a sex with a man, during the act he started hurting me by pushing me into weird positions and being extremely forceful. I asked him repeatedly to stop, cried out in pain and he kept going. Rape? I think so!! You should be able to stop a physical act at any time, it's your body period. Recently I was in a relationship with a man. I woke up one morning, after having taken ativan which rendered me completely unconsious, he informed me that he had sex with me during the night and enjoyed that I was "out of it the whole time". We were living together. Rape??? You BETCHA End of the relationship, he's moving out, we go to a friends house (I'm trying to leave it on good terms). I'm upset by the whole ordeal, my friend offers me some pain pills for my back pain and so I can relax. I take them, get sleepy, inform them that I'm going upstairs to pass out and I go to sleep. Next thing I know, I'm waking up to this guy getting off of me, finishing his act. Come to find out I'm pregnant. Rape??? YES and lifelong consequences to deal with. Should this guy have parental rights???
  • there are times when they say yes before it happens and then when it is...they tell them to stop or they tell them no...but they don't stop.
  • Well.... It could be a date rape type thing. It happened to me Saturday. I am still grieving the lost of my fiance. Saturday was a rough day for me, I had taken two ativan's but they weren't helping. I unpacked Jeff's things and was going through them when I found his bottle of Jack Daniels. I'm not a drinker, but I had a sip, and another and another. But 9pm I was plastered and a man called that I had dated in the past but never had sex with. He said he was coming over to bring me some food and try to sober me up. I remember him arriving, I ate a couple of bites and told him I had to go lay down. I took a sleeping pill and just wanted to sleep. I woke up sometime later with him having sex with me. I freaked and told him to get off and he did. I passed out again and he was still there in the morning. I told him I was uncomfortable with what happened and he said that I was alert and was part of it. I really doubt it. ...But what can I do or say. I feel so stupid.
  • I know that when I initally resisted these guys who were hitting on me they were leaving but when one came back and kissed me the others came in and got involved too. It was my fault. I could have stopped the incident. What happened was that I got turned on and being higher than I should have I got gangbanged by five guys. I guess I said yes and later no but it was too late and I still feel like a whore for the act.
  • they could be unconscious for it.
  • What about if somebody gets raped while asleep? She can guess that she was raped but since she was asleep she doesn't know exactly.
  • Does she have a broken jaw? Arm? Scratches? No? Then they were not raped. The word 'rape', in my opinion, has spread over many different examples of human behavior, encompassing situations where the female involved does absolutely everything wrong, makes horrible choices in an atmosphere where being sexually taken advantage of could happen. Being taken advantage of isn't rape. Those who were taken advantage of brought themselves to a situation that, with continuing to make incorrect decisions, end up having sex with someone they weren't planning to. That's not rape. Now, if she says no, and violence is afflicted on her by another, by force, then you've got a rape.

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