• to explain a little further this is a crazy situation, she has told me countless times she "messed up " she says she dosn't know why, blaaa blaa blaa is how i feel, i know i would never do this to anyone. we have 2 little girls a 2 and 6 year old i want to make this work i just don't know how to get it out of my head. she has been completly honest with me, and explained all the details of what happened, says the 3 times they had sex she came home and cryied in the bathroom when she told me she was taking a shower. in her defense, i haven't been the most open person, i kind of hide my emotions , and she had a childhood that i couldn't imagine going through , her mother abandoned her for over a year in a shelter for drugs, she found her father when he killed himself, and countless other un thinkable things. she says that she was scared to tell me how she was feeling because she was scared to lose me, and after all this, she felt so guilty she had to tell me everything. what happened was the guy ( a co worker) would meet her at the track, she said they meet for about a month, 3 weeks into meeting, he tried to kiss her and she allowed it. they then met 3 more times and she said she ended it. the actual affair lasted 11 days. what i find the weirdest, is during the 11 days, she told me she loved ,me more that she ever told me, she would lay in bed just looking at me thinking, at the time i thought it was weird, but i kinda understand it now. the night of i was packing my bags, and she thought i was gone, and had a change of heart, and snuck back upstairs to talk to her, and found her laying in bed with a bottle of tylonal writing a letter. i questioned her about it and she didn't let me see the letter for 2 days. it basically said how sorry she was and how she cannot live without our relationship. i want this to work, i dunno how to get the thoughts out of my head. a part of me wants to do it to her. we have one of the strongest relationships i have ever seen let along been apart of, we are a great team and everyone always tells us how great we are. we don't put on a show for anyone, we are as happy together when we are home alone as we are when in front of others. but this is the main reason i can't get my head around it. she has answered all my questions, and has held nothing back, explained her feelings or sex love is as good or better than it always was ( we have an incredible sex life) she tells me she did not enjoy anything about the affair, and could not get herself over the guilt. does she mean all this? is she just trying to make me feel better? when i look into her eyes, i feel its all true, but when i get alone and think i can't bring myself to wrap my head around the whole situation. its like she can't get her hands off me now, but we could have had this with a simple conversation telling me how she was feeling. please give me your insite. Thanks!
  • her is a text msg i just received from her I miss u soooo much babe :)cant wait to cya sweetie :) i am sooooo in love witn u :) im so sorry! she has been doing and saying things like this, out of the blue since this happened. i need to make up my mind for i can commit to this 100% if i leave, i don't want to keep dragging her on/leading her on, but i don't know if i want to leave..... so confused...
  • sounds like you and her are NOT as happy as you are. OR she couldn't have kissed another. Not sure that is ALL she did.. leave for a while and see what happens it will help you wrap your head around it, as much as give her time to figure out what she wants. good luck in what you decide, either way it's a very hard thing to go through
  • Something is missing. Do you show her that you love her? Kiss her, hug her, do little things to let her know you desire her? Sometimes after children that's all women are is MOM. The are still that same person on the inside, they still want to know you think they are sexy and wanted.
  • thats the thing, i always kiss her, tell her i love her, never get off the phone without love you's both ways. I admit i work a little too much, but i always let her know shes loved, we go on trips together, we actually went to cuba 7 months ago. we have sex 4-5 times a week, go for family drives, go for ice cream. we really in truly act like we just start dating, and have been with each other 8 years, i really did not see this coming at all. she tells me she has no idea how she was able to do this to me, and says she hates her self for it etc etc, the only reason she gave, and i don't really know weather to believe or not. goes back to her childhood. it does kind of make scene, but it almost fits 2 good, like shes using it as an excuse . she had a very rough child hood. father was an abusive alcoholic, mother was a drug addict that would basically drop her off for months and sometimes years, to aunts/grandmothers/ etc, while she would take off with boyfriends and do drugs and stuff.and just countless things that i couldn't imagine living through. she found her father dead at 17 ( 1 month before me and her met)she never lived in a home longer that 2 months before we met. she just never had the chance to be a kid. and i really do feel for her in that respect. she says in a note she wrote to me last week., "everyone that has ever loved me, has hurt me or abondond me,and i always felt that eventually you would do the same.I never truly believed you loved me the way you said you did. all of this has made me realize what i have, and how important it is, .I know you are in this for me , i always thought you stayed because of the kids or the convenience of our marriage. I realize now how much you actually did love me, and how bad i ****ed up.I know i can never make you feel like you did, but i will dedicate myself to trying for the rest of my life to make this right and for you to love and trust me like you once did, everything about this was a mistake, when i look back at it, its like it wasn't me, i cannout explain how i was able to do this, and don't think ill ever forgive myself, so don't know how i can expect you to forgive me. please say you will give me the chance to prove that im yours 100% anything it takes im willing to do if you will let me." what scares me the most is there was no reason for this, i didn't give her any reason to do this, and she says there was no reason, what if we do get into a fight and there is a reason, how can i trust her then. befor this, neither of us have gone to bed mad at the other. we had fights everyone does, but they were rare, once every 8 months or so, never lasting longer than a hour befor we would kiss and apologizes. i really can't get my head around this at all.
  • Mr Anonymous, I am very happy for you that you have such a wonderful family and such a wonderful wife who has been honest and told you what she did and how guilty she has been. I really believe that in the larger context your life has been so happy and marriage so successful, including a fulfilling sex life. Do you think that should you judge her with the moral high ground and forget that she too is human. Life is very large and mistakes are inevitable. More importantly how you handle such mistakes are more important. Forgiving and FORGETTING and enjoying such a wonderful marriage is my straight answer. You must look at the brighter side of it. Don't let one issue screw up everything. Your post above show that you truly and very deeply love her. Don't let this screw it. To me you are very very lucky - few have such wonderful & happy marriage. Don't think too much about it.
  • well, make your mind up fast what you want. its not fair to string her along. but, i do understand how you could not want to throw 8 years away. but the longer it takes the more it hurts you both.
  • This is all going to be up to you. I know someone it happened to, too. About the same time - That "seven-year itch" type thing that many MEN feel - usually not the woman. The guy even wrote up a list of questions, and she answered ever single one of them. She was more concerned (since it was a one-night thing) about AIDS than anything, and had a test done. Back then, it took three months to get the results back. It seems she didn't feel attractive, and, after some drinks, it didn't seem like a bad idea when the guy hit on her. She never cheated again, and they lasted a few more years when other problems caused a divorce. They, too, had children, low-teens at the time of the divorce, so much younger when it happened. Point is that it happens, and you CAN work through this. She has to know that you love her. You MUST forgive her, and SAY it. You may never forget it, but it should NEVER be brought up in anger... Meaning, when you are fighting, you DO NOT "throw it in her face" that she cheated and you didn't. If you can't do that, you've not really forgiven her. How to "forget" it? Concentrate on the here and now. Work with her on making the marriage work, and your life with your family the best it can be. It will fade as new memories replace it... It will never go away, but it will drop back in your mind and not be that important. You will have to work on that... Any time an image of her cheating comes to you, replace it immediately with an image of your family enjoying each other. It may take a little while for it to fade to the backs of BOTH of your minds. Tell, her, too, every time she cries, every time you know she's thinking of losing you and maybe the kids, that you love her. DO NOT use this as a way to MAKE her do things she wouldn't normally do. If she does them, that's one thing, but don't blackmail her with this. Remember, you forgave her (if you did). Again, it CAN work... You (both) CAN get past this, maybe with a stronger marriage than you had before it happened, if you BOTH work at it. Should you break up? Again, that's up to you. If you can't get past it, then yes. No sense in your children growing up in a house with the tension that would continue to build. DO NOT ever tell THEM why you broke up, and if you do, MAKE SURE they know it has absolutely NOTHING to do with them, as kids have a way ot taking on the blame for divorces. Make sure you both tell those kids how much you love them, every chance you get. And, if you can't, try not to make the divorce filled with animosity. Think seriously about it before you talk to a lawyer. How would YOU like to live without your wife? without the kids (they usually go to the mother)? Would you devastate her even more by fighting for the kids? Do you think you can be civil with her when you swap custody for the weekends, etc? What about child support? There's a LOT of stuff in there to think about. To me, it seems it would be easier, better for all (since it sounds like you love her and she you, still) if you don't even consider that, at this point. Do all you can to make it work. THEN decide. Good luck.
  • well after alot of thinking ( mostly to myself) i have decided to stay and try to work things out. i would never tell my kids what happened. matter of fact, you on here are the only people i have told, i never told my friends , family etc. as i knew all that would do would cause people to judge her, for one mistake. and if it didn't work out between us, she didn't deserve to have relationships with friends/family compromised for this. maybe im crazy but i didn't see how it was any of there business. i did feel i needed to talk to someone and get it all out of my system, hence why i am her. if it doesn't work after a few months years , whatever, at least i will be able to look back with no regrets. as for lawyers and all that junk, i wasn't really worried about it. the funny thing everything is mine, and i have a prenuptial for the house , motor home, cars etc basically everything. and i thought long and hard about it. if i was going to break it off. she was keeping everything, id sell the "extras" but the home etc ( basically the things my kids have grow to call everyday life) would stay with her, prenuptial or not i would have to make it as easy on the kids as possible. one thing that is bothering me now , and i don't even know why it bothers me. it just doesn't feel "normal" ( whatever that is lol ) and i have told her not to. is that everything i need over the last month , she jumps as fast as possible to do. like i say im hungry , im going to make something to eat, and she jumps right away to do it. i don't want her to feel she "has to" do anything. but her response always is " i don't have to do anything i want to, please let me" now there is another twist to the story, that really set my head straight as to what i want. her best friend from childhood, stopped in last week, my wife confident in this friend before telling me, i guess for support or what have you, and the friend didn't know i knew. well the friend sat me down in my living room, to "tell me about it all" thinking i didn't know and she was "telling on her" she then proceeded to rub my chest and lean over to kiss me. I stopped her , and when i did. a million things ran through my mind, and it suddenly hit me, that i wanted to fix this more than anything. i told the friend to leave. and she made a comment of something along the lines of " she did it to you why not" i have to admit, i find her friend very attractive, but i dunno it just wasn't worth it. i dunno if i should tell my wife about this or not, im undecided, they have been friends since kids, but i feel she deserves to know. my wife has really been going the extra still keeps coming in my mind thoe, and every time i think about it, it scares me to death that i might never totally trust her again. and im really not that kind of person, i trust everyone until given a reason not to. i can see the pain all of this has caused her in her eyes, and at times i almost feel guilty that she feels like that,ive spent 8 years doing everything in my powner to never have to look into hurt eyes,and now thats where im at, and there realy isn't anything i could have done to prevent it. how messed up is that? i really believe her when she says that it will never happen again, and she will do anything. i can tell how much she means it all when she speaks about it. i know for sure since 3 days before she told me, there has been no contact with this guy. she dosn't know, but the day after this i had a cc of any txt msg's sent to or from her, are cced to me. along with msn logs (the way they were communicating during the 11 days). i actually disabled both yesterday, i just had to be sure. and now im trying to trust again its just so messed up. i know how much easier it would be to give up, but i know i would spend the rest of my life looking back and regretting that decision. Im not Leonardo d or anything, but i know if i wanted i would have no problem getting into another relationship. but it would be unfair to whoever i was with, as i know i would try to mold them into what i had. man i gota stop ranting haha i wanna thank you all for your answers. they mean alot , and ill keep you posted.
  • hey man... i know how you feel... i have only been with my girl for 4 years though.. and we are not married.. and dun have kids, so i can see how different it is from you... but that feeling of confusion and all that messed with me... me and my girl were fine, and she for a week started to get feelings for this guy, it only lasted a week cause i knew something was wrong and i kept trying to get it out of her... till i did... anyways, she went through the same as you say your wife did... the letters were very similar too.. and then a week after the guy met up with her and ended up kissing her and he then started to feel much more guilty about it... anyways, i know its not as severe as your situation but, after i made the decision to stay with her, i keep questioning my self everyday about my decision... cause we were planning on getting married and stuff... and i kept thinking that what if this repeats... but i found that when you think by yourself you end up making yourself feel things you shouldn to begin with... and you creat things that mess with your mind even more... thats why i started this thing with that when ever either of us feel a moment of doubt, they are to share it right away... no matter what... and that helped me a lot- cause a lot of times ill call her and tell her that i feel like i cant drop what happened, and then we'll talk about it for hours, and then i become assured that the decision i made was the right one.. but it still messes with my mind a great deal- and i always feel like im onto something or i feel like im gonna catch her as if she is doing something wrong... the more i talk to her about all the suspisions i may have or watever, i get reassured that it will be fine... relation ships are very hard- cause youll never know what will happen, so your leaving yourself open for hurt... and thats something i had to learn to just accept... it still hurts like a b***** but hopefully down the road we will both forget about what happened.... and we, will be still amazingly in love with each other, but not because we want to forget about things- but because thats wats natural... hope that helped
  • I know you posted this question in June and maybe you've already made a decision, but I just wanted to tell you that my wife cheated on me after 22 years of marriage, and I understand the pain, anger, and yes guilt that you are feeling. I've forgiven my wife for cheating on me but I haven't forgotten. I wasn't willing to throw away 22 years of marriage. I love her too much, and she is very remorseful and sorry. We've honestly discussed what led up to the affair and agreed to be completely honest with each other from now on. If you do decide to forgive her it has to be completely, you can't bring it up all the time. She sounds very remorseful and that is important but you must get to the root of the problem and fix it. Good luck to you and I hope you can find the strength to forgive her. Fight for your marriage and make it better.
  • Well if YOU don't know. . . . . .how the hell are WE supposed to know?
  • Just forgive her for goodness sakes! Learn the facts! Did she leave you for the other person? Doesn't sound like it from what you said so she has NOT committed adultery by the Word of the Lord God. Breaking the marriage vows is committing adultery this does not have to include sexual relations. Adultery is taking what is not yours to take. Has she refused to care for your home and children? Does she still give you sex happily and without reservation? If being faithful only to you was in the marriage vows you and she took when you were married she did violate that vow. This can be taken care of easily by removing that vow verbally by asking it to be removed from the Lord God. To understand what I have said here get and read the book, "Divine Sex" by Darwin Chandler. This book will give you the full understanding of relationships between husband and wife from a totally Biblical point of view. Even if there are no problems in a marriage this book can make your marriage better and happier.
  • From my personal experience, once that trust is gone it will never come back. You say you're not the most open person but that has nothing to do with the fact that she fucked someone else. I didn't learn my lesson the first time and she did it again. Good luck.
  • maybe you should talk to your wife about it

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