What is courteous and what is phony? I treat my husband's ex-wife and all of the current and ex-inlaws with courtesy for my husband's and his children's sake, but I am accused of being phony by her and her friends to our friends. Help!
by 
New Wife
ANSWERS: 14
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Well you are technically being phony if you dont really like them. I would suggest to continue the way you are treating them now and disregard what they think. Continue to be the adult.
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Only you will know and actually, if I were in your place... that would be all that would matter to me. Let people think and say what they want, you can't buck ignorance and stupidity. If you came on the scene before your husband and his wife were divorced, you have an extra burden on your back. People may think of you as a "home-wrecker" or some other unkind word. When it ocmes to things like this, I am so grateful I am on my first and only marriage and so is my husband.
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Without knowing any specifics, it's hard to say that she's wrong and you're right. It's possible that you're both right. But I'm going to assume that you don't pretend to like her when you don't, and that you understand that "courtesy" doesn't always mean "friendliness". So if you're not "acting friendly" to her when you don't feel friendly, then she may have a complete misunderstanding of what courtesy is. Otherwise, acting friendly to someone's face when you aren't and don't want to be friendly would be phony -- although even that can be done with courtesy. In case that's all muddled, I'm trying to be on your side. :)
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You treat them with courtesy and they just can't admit that you are being classy with them. They don't have either patience or tact. And that's why they go on a rampage to say this bad stuff about you. You have nothing to worry about as long as you keep your head high.
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Are you trying too hard to please everybody? Are you going out of your way to show how good of a person you can be? Are you constantly volunteering yourself, sacrificing your time? Some people see this as too much of a good thing, hence the phony label. They could be jealous, nay-sayers or they could secretly be wishing you would fail. I don't envy you, it's hard being where you are. You sound like you are a good natured woman who gives of herself unconditionally, but a lot of people don't understand how someone in your situation can always be so "nice". Keep up the brave face, and who cares what everyone else thinks. You know in your heart you are doing the right thing, and I'm sure your new hubby feels the same say. Those are the 2 opinions that should matter the most.
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Unfortunately, in the husband's ex's eyes you will never be good enough. No matter what you do or what you say it will always be scrutinized down to the last detail. There is nothing you can do or say to anyone that will change their minds. If this bothers you, confront the ex but do it in a friendly manner. "Perhaps we got off on the wrong foot...." if you come from that perspective, as though you are speaking from the heart, the ex depending on how entrenched she is in her beliefs about you may change her tune. But i doubt it. It sounds like the ex is jealous of you in some way and wants to get back at you by punishing you by downing you to friends and family. If you broke up their marriage I can see why she is so pissy. But if not, try asking her if she wants to get some coffee out somewhere. It's a good start. You know reaching out to someone. You dont have to necessarily be her best friend or anything but coming from that angle you might have some better luck.
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Courtesy can be phony, only you would know the motivation you have. Do you sincerely feel courteous when you do things for them? They may be feeling it if it's not genuine. But if this is the best you can do, since I don't know your personal situation or history, they just keep doing what you are as you can't worry about it. Sometimes being civil and polite is all you can do. It's never phony to do your best in being polite and civil to other people when you are doing it to avoid hurting others.
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You don't necessarily have to like someone to treat them with courtesy. Since she is unappreciative of this, I would think that she is going to complain no matter what. I would continue to treat her and the others with the same courtesy I have been, she is only making herself look bad when she does this. The more she complains about being treated with courtesy, the worse she looks and is only succeeding in making people see you as the better person.
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I think its wonderful that she wants to b*tch about you and the worst she can come up with is 'phony' because you are always polite to her. Talk about clutching at straws. Just don't let her hurt you until you snap, because then everyone would wonder if she'd been right all along. Sigh and keep being your lovely self and realise there are reasons why he left her and why, after a bad experience, he still fell in love again, with you.
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Why would you care what the ex's have to say? If anyone who hears this from her changes their opinion of you based on the hearsay of an ex, you shouldn't want them around anyway.
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Courtesy doesn't dictate that you have to like someone, only that you are polite to them. Let her gripe all she wants. It only shows what a small person she is.
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they have already put you in a box that says, ex people are not supposed to get along. so they are following along premeditated lines and being grouchy and they cant handle you being nice...it is so phoney to them. they want an arguement and it takes two to argue and they are confused when you dont argue, so you are being phoney. you are probably on the east coast where people are just naturally phoney. you yourself are probably from the west coast where people are up front and happy.
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Being phony would be if you tried to seek revenge or gossiped about her after being polite to her face (kind of like it sounds she does to you) All you can do is continue as you have and leave her to be the little person.
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I had a BBQ this past summer.My boyfriends parents and his brother and sisters were there. The ex wife came to pick up his daughter (not expected). I told her to stay, offered her a drink, food as I would to anyone else. She stayed the rest of the day, talked and reconnected with her ex in laws. I didn't do it for anyone but me. I knew I could handle it and I know that I have be comfortable with situations before thinking about how other people are going to feel or what they think of me. My boyfriend has two ex wives. Believe me-I need to think of what is fair for me to deal with and not care about if people think if I am courteous or phony. If they don't know by now-It's their problem not mine;)
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