• you really can't say anything. she'll find out for herself that it's not gonna get any better. i'm in the same situation with my friend. she and her bf have constant fights, he's choked her once, bruised her arm, broke her belongings, puts her down and she still does everything for him. it started out as verbal fights then it got physical. for that, i really want to kick his ass for being an ungrateful son of a bitch. however, there's nothing i can do but not worry about it because she's gonna stay with him until she's ready to leave.
  • Your friend is suffering from being in love with a narcissistic partner. It's not hard to do, to fall for a person like that. They hook you, pump you up and then, once they "have" you, that's when the real fun starts...they back out on participation, then they mis treat you, and by the time you get to the point where your friend is, she is just grateful to have SOME happy times vs the crappy ones. "Some" is not ENOUGH. She is probably so glad when her partner isn't being shitty. She has lowered her expectations. The only thing you MIGHT want to say to your friend, is that you hate to see him/her so upset 99% of the time. Your friend will either get tired of the emotional roller coaster ride that he/she is on or will just stay for the duration of time. Just be a good friend to her and be suppportive. Just listen.
  • Dump him/her. Amazing only SOME of the time is not worth the abuse.
  • I am currently in the same situation and it kills me to see my best friend, for over ten years, with a crappy guy--SHE DESERVES BETTER. He constantly puts her down, makes her feel bad for what has gone wrong in their relationship, breaks up with her and then gets back together with her (he constantly plays minds games with her), he doesn't have a job (although he tells her that he's looking--it's been months now), he isn't a good "step-dad" to her precious son (from what I have seen), he's manipulative, and the list goes on. Ever since this guy came into the picture, my best friend has changed--she is no longer a ball of sunshine/social butterfly I once knew. A handful of things lead to believe she needs to get out of the relationship: 1) She has revolved her life completely around him (he is the only thing she freely talks about-if I want to know about anything else in her life, I have to directly ask); 2) When she would call, she would usually be upset about something he did to her; 3) When I visited her and her son, he was ALWAYS in the picture or dictating what she could and could not do; 4) He quit his job even though my friend was having financial problems and then actually allowed his friends to say that my best friend was his "sugar mama"--he later told my best friend what him and the guys were talking about that day and then she called me up upset (what a jerk!); 5) She has somehow managed to break off many of her friendships; 6) The straw the broke the camel's back: she called me up a few months ago saying that she was completely unhappy with the relationship- the constant mind games and verbal abuse were emotionally breaking her down. While still talking to her, I guess she saw that he pulled up to the house, she quickly told me she had to get off the phone because he was home, and then hung up. For a couple of weeks, I heard nothing from her and was deeply concerned about her and her son-I had no clue what this guy was capable of. So I talked to my mom as well as a few other people to try to figure out what I could do to help. I decided that the best thing to do was to call up her mother (even though my best friend and her mother aren't on the best of terms) and told her that I was concerned about her daughter-I was hoping she could have a talked with her daughter, figured out what was going on, and then helped her daughter get out of the house she shares with the boyfriend. Well, in a perfect world that would have done the trick and my best friend would have gotten rid of the boyfriend...Turns out her mother did not say things the best way and my friend saw "The Talk" as everything but positive/helpful. Needless to say my name was/is mud. She finally called me up a few weeks ago and stated that I have the wrong idea of her boyfriend (he is really a great guy, blah, blah, blah). She also stated that she can no longer trust me (because I told her mother stuff about her relationship) and will not tell me what is going on in her relationship...I told her that I did it because I was extremely concerned but she wasn't hearing it. The conversation turned into an unproductive one. I have not talked to her since:( So to get to answering your question, "What can I say?"--If your friend is telling you what is going on in the relationship but is constantly standing up for the boyfriend's behavior, you can't really say anything but you will always be there for her. If you say anything that downs on the boyfriend or suggests that you think she is making the wrong decision, she will pull away from you in a heartbeat and then you'll be in the same spot as I am in now, which is even more heartbreaking (I am glad I did it though because now someone else knows about what was/is going on in her relationship-maybe her mother will push differences aside and will find a way to help her daughter). I hope that my "little novel" helps you make the right decision for you and your friend:) Best wishes, Angie
  • get her a copy of the book - He's Just Not That Into YOu. There is really nothing you can do to help her unless she wants help. Unless she believes she is worth more then that is what she will have.
  • You've probably already told her a lot. Now tell her that you will be there when she decides she has had enough.
  • Support her as much as possible even though you may not understand why. If she hasn't been involved with a battered women's shelter it may be good to help her find one in your area so she can talk or attend a group.
  • You can tell her she has low self-esteem. But if that is how she chooses to live her life there is not much you can do.

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