A very good question. Not sure I am capable of the kind of deep thinking that it begs for but seems to me they come from our desire for security as well as our desire for self-expression. Not sure I have felt them together like that. For me the first was always more paramount because I always expected I would be abandoned eventually anyway. Because I was not good enough that anyone would be interested in me for a continuing relationship. So much so that if I were not abandoned I could still feel it coming so rather than subject myself to that instead I left prematurely. Because I always felt I guess that there was always something down the road for me. As far as the latter I have been in relationships that started very good and promisingly but either went bad or I realized I could never live up to what was expected of me. In no relationship can we do just whatever we want when we want but if a relationship is to continue there has to be enough there 1) to make it worth our while to stay in it and 2) to allow us to express ourselves. The human factor, and of course we are all human, because it consists of human feelings, assures that there is no infallibility or completely right and entirely safe in a relationship ever. Because we can't control another person. We can only enjoy them and work together, hopefully, with them. So with that understanding I think it is absolutely necessary that we are able to enjoy a person for who and what they are in the here and now, in the present, in the moment. Rather than expecting that such or such a thing will come later because we can't depend on that it will. So if we can't enjoy ourselves in a relationship then why be in it? Same as if we can't be ourselves in a relationship then why be in it at all. But we have to decide for ourselves whether we can or not. And once we "give all to love" then it becomes all for us. So better I think to give part of us to love and keep part of us for ourselves in case our love doesn't quite work out. And anyone we are going to be with will naturally emphasize and bring out different aspects of ourselves and if we like what they bring out then we are doing pretty well I think. My husband is my best friend and sort of a hero to me for how he acts and carries himself. He is also somewhat square and provincial and "uptight" about a lot of things. And I feel good with him but I can't really control him but I just have to adjust myself to who he is. Just as he has had to , and seen fit to, adjust himself to me both bad and good because he apparently found it worthwhile for him to do so. Which makes me feel good too.

Sorry, I don't have a proper answer to your question but I know what it's like to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. It doesn't feel good at all. On the lighter side ... Welcome & it's nice to see you here. It's been a long time, and I hope life has been good for you. : )

I knoe exactly how you feel mh friend. I feel trapped and abandoned in a way. Im in a mental hospital now and i havent seen my family or friends in days. I feel all alone and dont know how im going to get through the time. Tell me about your experience in a comment, i want to know. Youre not the only one out there there are others going through this.. if you want tou can email mr at kevonb129@gmail.com

Yes, I know how it feels