ANSWERS: 57
  • I haven't been in a long term marriage, however I have been cheated on. I went away to a family reunion and my boyfriend and my best friend did it in my bed, leaving the condom in my garbage. I wouldn't stay with him. I almost felt like it was a sign of weakness, and that I was so much better then him. Even if he was doing the right things, having the knowledge that he had been decietful-I would start to question the other things he could have been decietful with. You can do better, don't ever feel like he's the only person you have a chance with.
  • WOW. well... I'd forgive him, but don't forget about it. keep a closer eye on him, but don't make him feel like you are angry or jealous. i'm not saying that he will, but be prepared in case he stops "doing the right things." i agree, six years is a long time. the important thing is to ask yourself: do i still love him? can i still trust him? will our relationship still work? good luck
  • Isn't this something you should have answered for yourself 6 months ago?
  • Ohhhh ! Six years is a lonnnnng time ! I think you should go and move on with your life ! Go to some place where somebody needs you and respects your feelings !:-)
  • You should stay, in my opinion. Sure, six years is a long time, but twenty-two-and-a-half-years is an even longer period of time.
  • Six years is a long time to be so deceitful. Personally, I think it would take a long time to get over that feeling of betrayal, more than the six years it was going on. I've been there - it's almost impossible to get over the feeling of having been duped. How did you find out, did he volunteer the info himself, or was he 'found out?' Has he broken off the relationship with the other person or do you suspect that it's still going on? I would speak with a trusted adviser, maybe your pastor or another counsellor. Ask your good friends for a recommendation, if you don't already have someone. This is too important a decision to make based solely on advice from strangers on the Internet.
  • I think it is very easy to tell you what the "right" and "wrong" answers are, but at the end of the day, you are the only one who can make a decision like this. You have been living in this lie for the last six years, and now you must decide whether you want to go forward with this (I would recommend some major counseling and at least some time apart) or divorcing. I am sorry you have gone through this, and I hope that knowing the truth can make your life stronger and healthier.
  • WOW! 6 years...sounds like he gets to have his cake and eat it too. My first reaction would be to leave..but you have 22 years invested here. Would counselling help you? Forget about what is good for him...no this is time for what is the absolute best for you...Maybe somebody to talk to could help you sort this out. He may well love you..but he has had an odd way of showing it for the past 6 years. Will you ever trust him again? Can you live with him having sex with another woman..for 6 years? and Lying for 6 years?..these are difficult questions for you to have to deal with.
  • As previous person said 6 years is a loooooong time. But no one can really answer this question but you. It would be easy to say leave the guy but you have to live with your action. I think going to talk to a therapist may help you sort out your needs and feeling and that may ultimately help you decide. Best to you - this is a tough situation.
  • Well i have been married 22 years and if my husband did that to me he would be out the door with bags like a rocket,but thats me and only you can make the final decision....good luck
  • He'll do it again. Trust me on this.
  • Well, you SHOULD go. But whether you are emotionally capable is another story. Just cause someone hurts you terribly...I know, doesn't mean its easy to let go.
  • Was it one affair that lasted six years or multiple affairs or one-night-stands over that same period. If it's the former, you should be able to get over it if you wish (and, it sounds like you have at least SOMEWHAT, since you've stayed for six months after the fact). To do so, you (and he) have to forgive him for doing it. NOTE: You may NEVER forget, but it will fade to the back of your mind. Neither of you should EVER bring it up in the midst of an argument. For you, it shows that you HAVEN'T forgiven it, and for him, it's "throwing it in your face" again. It takes time to rebuild trust, too. Some can do so quicker than others. (You almost have to look at it as a new relationship with an old friend, rather than a stranger... This is why the trust issue can be resolved faster.) 22 years is a long investment of love, time, energy, etc. Are you willing to give that up? It is NOT a sign of weakness to want to make your marriage work. In fact, it is, in my mind, a much more POWERFUL show of strength - in you, in your belief in marriage, and your relationship - than it is to "cut and run" without trying to work it out. Stay or go is up to you. If you feel you can't handle the situation without help, then get some - a marriage counselor (singly or together), a minister, a trusted mutual friend... . If you need some time alone to think about it, then do so. (However, if you do this, you MUST be aware that many people will consider you both free and clear. Things can happen while you are apart that probably wouldn't while you're together.) And, if you have kids, you HAVE to make sure that they know any arguments you have between you are NOT their fault. You don't need to explain everything, just say you're trying to work things out. Again, stay or go is YOUR decision. Good Luck. ;-)
  • What do you want? If you are the forgiving type and he is worth it than reconcile. Why throw 22 years away. But if you don't believe he can be loyal from this point on, or his love for you is not all there, then try a temporary separation to cool his heels. If he begs to come back than you'll know you made the right choice. On the "will he do it again meter" he probably is high risk to drift again based on his 6 year record. Tough choice you have to made here.
  • Once they damage the relationship is hard, and if you stay it will be harder than if you were to leave
  • girl pack your bags and go your worth so much more than that plus your sleeping with every body he slept with to many things out there girl u can still let him be a dad but a good husband would love you and not break your heart and vows
  • the other answeres are all solid GOLD, but my parents went through that mess and it was horrible on us kids. the best way to shelter them is HONESTY. let them know the truth, they dererve that much. let them know you love them and this is not thier fault. let them know what her did and tell them it dose not make him a bad person, just week and still be his friend, at least in front of them. do what you need for your slef, but be open and honest no matter how young or old they are.
  • 22 years is even longer; if you love him stay.
  • I've been through the same thing. It is so hard to know what to do. If you really love him and he is remorseful then I guess you could try to make it work. But you will most likely have a real hard time trusting him again and that is a hell in itself. Do you think he can mend his ways?
  • Of course you should try to keep your family together.
  • mmhhhh...First.. he cheated, second was she the only girl he slept with?. I had hard time to forget my spouse mistake till now. I forgave but not forget, makes our relationship is not healthy anymore. It's up to you if you want to stay BUT you have to FORGIVE AND FORGET.
  • remember, history repeats itself. however, consider what's important to you. money, stability, kids, house etc. and then play your card. sometimes divorce is not the simple answer to everything. it's easy for us to say whatever w/o knowing the full circumstance. but ultimately you'll have to live w/ the decision. talk to someone that you really really trust and knows you.
  • six years is a long damn time for you not to have noticed anything different about him so im pretty sure your trust level is below zero with him if not for the fact that you didnt notice anythig for so long unless you knew the whole time and just didnt want to deal with it. in any event you dont trust the guy and so you can do what you want but my suggestion is to end it cause the second chance comes with the feeling of petrayal and if you want you can play an eye for an eye and aint nothing he can do about it. but you probly wont so sticking around will make the arguments that much worst. i dont know if it was my wife i would leave her but remain friends. or i wouldnt make it easy for her to get back in good with me. we would probably be seperated for 6 months before we got back together.
  • 6 years is such a long time. If you didn't notice then how do you think you'll notice now.... stay if he's changed...keep your eye out on him though, forever
  • stay if you want potential exposure to herpes chlamydia, syphilis gonorrhea, HPV, and HIV.
  • Leave he has broken your trust and thats no way to live How are you going to feel everytime he says hes "working late" or "visiting a friend" and the fact he had unprotected sex with her shows you how well he dosnt care for your health if you havent already got something
  • A married man who has had 6 months worth of affairs does not love his wife. You need to ask yourself the question, why does he want to keep this marriage and family now, when he treated it so shabbily for 6 years. You need to ask yourself the question, do you still love him in spite of his infidelity. If he gives you an answer you can live with and your answer is that you still love him, you should stay. There may be some way you can restore trust and find happiness in a loving relationship. But if his answer is not something you believe or can live with, then he is not really going to change. A person can agree to counseling, etc., but never really be committed to examining the issues that led to infidelity in marriage because the reasons they got married were selfish to begin with, and when they do not get those selfish goals met, they cheat, hoping to find it with someone else. You need to ask him why he married you, what has not been fulfilled in this marriage from his perspective that led to his behavior. Can that be restored in your eyes? If not, I would go. In God's eyes, a person may divorce because of infidelity. He did so really because of man's hardness of heart. God hates divorce, but he understands and accepts that course in a person's life based on what has been betrayed in the marriage trust and relationship.
  • I can only say how I would feel. I think I'd put an end to it. Clearly the relationship has eroded. I just would have no interest in continuing.
  • Oh honey, I could have written this. At 20 years I found out he has cheated again. I stayed for the kids. We went to counseling, he became more attentive, we invested in a new business....etc, etc. Fast forward 4 years and the business is gone, my retirement is gone, and I am filing for bankruptcy. As for him? He has "moved on" and is currently seeing an ex-girlfriend who tried to stop our wedding. I can't tell you what to do, but for me, I wish I would have moved on 4 years ago.
  • pack his bags because if he did it once he'll do it again don't put your trust in him. linda
  • Six years is a long time. I find it hard to believe, speaking as a man, that he just one day decided to give up all that variety and settle down with just one woman! It seems a little impossible. He is probably still eyeing the other ladies. Now, I was never a player so it was easy for me to get married and settle down. All I want is to make my woman happy! I honestly do not know what you should do, but if it were me, I would put him on notice that his new change in life better be permanent or he will be shown the door!
  • I would not know what to do if I found out such thing. That six years of my life would have been a lie. It is really unfair. I would ofcourse want to keep my husband because I love him but I would also feel the need to at least make him feel what I would feel like. (Ofcourse I would not go cheating on him for the next six years..) I would find myself in a very difficult position having a family, you cannot run off, telling him you will come back whenever you feel like it. You will have to stand up for yourself but also make sure he does not do this again. Awful. You do not want to make him feel like he just can walk over you like that, but you have to be nice because of the family. I seriously have no solution to this problem. Imagining this would happen to me already makes me want to cry and rip my heart out. I really hope you find a way to both justice and peace.
  • If he really has stopped keep him. He does it again, out the door. Past is past 22 years, you can't go back only forward
  • OMG, be strong and give him a dose of his medicine. Get your stuff, get up and leave with the kids. that is just not right what he did on you. 6 years? he obviously has no conscience so what are you waiting for? it to happen again! All I can say is he is the fool, he didnt have the courage to leave you, he had it on the side for 6 years and knew you would always be there for him. Just leave him on his own, thats what he deserves. I wish you the best of luck and I know your life will get better (worse for a while cos you will be getting used to it but you will get through this and realise hes not for you, trust has been broken, why should you be so soft?) take care xx
  • All i can say is good luck. Don't know what i'd do.
  • I personally could not forgive that. I would probably ask him to leave, you need some space to figure it out without him there. Just my take on it. If you come back together after a lot of counselling then so be it. I however do not think you should keep a family together at all costs. 6 years is not a quick fling...
  • You have known for 6 months, but NOW you ask ? What has recently changed ? Factors to consider. Do you have dependent children still living at home ? Which is the longer time 6yrs or 22yrs. Has it been good ? You stress 'unprotected', did he 'bring you something' from her ?
  • Go. Without a doubt.
  • Get yourself tested for any diseases and leave him. You wont' be happy and staying together for the sake of the family will backfire in the future. Try and start again.
  • 6 years he was off getting his jollies with some tramp, without even doing you the courtesy of caring whether or not he passed on some disease to you? I have to say I'd kick him out the door so fast his head would spin. There is no excuse for having an affair. You remained faithful. There is no reason he shouldn't have. I find it disgusting quite frankly that he's trying to suck up now and make you forgive him. Where was this love when he was banging his girlfriend?
  • On balance, I don't think you can trust him. Whether you would be happier breaking up with him, I couldn't say.
  • Understand him and forgive, Live long and prosper.
  • 6 years is a VERY long time to be so deceitful, he can hardly call it a mistake can he? I couldn't forgive that. a couple of drunken one night stands in 22 years maybe but not an affair of that length!
  • S T A Y
  • ditched the lying cheating heartless cruel evil man
  • Well you really need to ask yourself why he cheated in the first place, he obviously was getting something from this other woman that you were not giving him, whether it be just sex or someone that would listen to him, untill you figure this out he may do it again. The choice is yours to make.
  • Just my opinion and point of view but 22 years IS a long time, and that is 22 years that he cheated on you, and could have given you a (fatal?) STD or worse. Yes you have invested 22 years of your life, BUT you would be tempted to waste another 22 or more on someone who did all that only because you have already spent 22 years with him? That's like saying, I have been unhappy for 22 years so I might as well be unhappy forever then...That makes no sense. Love is a verb! He can say he loves you, he can say he has changed, and maybe just maybe he will/did...but the damage is done, and myself I think people rarely change..especially when it comes to serial liars, adulterers and such. IT's easy to be sorry now that he's been outed. 6 years of cheating is a LONG time and a lot of cheating. If I were you I would cut my losses, consider it a 22 year life lesson, and move on with my life and find someone that would make me happy and not cheat...life is too short to waste it with someone who obviously doesn't really care about you.
  • I think a lot of times people make these decisions based on what people would think of them.. they don't want to appear weak for staying, they don't want to appear cold for going, whatever. You can probably boil it down to this: if everything continues the way it is now, will you be happy? Even assuming that, having cheated multiple times in the past, he will probably cheat again? This isn't as easy a question as it seems. You're past the initial anger and punishment over the affairs. Now you're thinking about the future. Looking back at the last 22 years, how did YOU feel? Were you satisfied? Were your needs neglected? Was he a good father and husband? Then, realistically, can you continue to live with him knowing that he has been with other women during your marriage? With him on good behavior, do you really feel forgiveness for him, or do you feel like you OUGHT to? It can be hard to sort out how you really feel, but there's no ticking clock right now. I don't really think you can realistically expect him to change his stripes. It's possible that you can be happily married again someday, though, and do you want to give that up? A marriage counselor might be really helpful for you.
  • Get this all out with each other. There is no reason to quit the marrige yet. You both need an arbitrator of your feelings or this will fester forever. Get counseling and work through the outcome and good luck. Watch Dr. Phil and get his books for tools to strengthen your resolve to make this better. Six years is a long time. Six minutes of that kind of treatment by your husband is a long time. He doesn't want to be this way anymore than you want him to be a cheater.
  • Not only was he risking your marriage, he was risking your life every time he went off with another woman and didn't use protection. That alone is beyond idiotic. Whether or not you decide to stay with him, I agree with everyone that suggested to get tested. Do it! Have them test you for everything and DON'T have sex with your husband until you get a clean bill of health. Even after your results come back and they are ok, I would still use a condom because it can take months for a lot of diseases to start showing up on tests. I can't tell you to stay with your husband or leave. You two have a long history, and there is a lot to consider along with the years of infidelity. I would recommend a marriage counselor to help you two work through these issues and learn what you can and can't live with. They can help you decide if it's best for you to split up or stick it out. Whether or not you decide to stay with your husband, please please be sure to take care of your health first since he obviously isn't going to take it into consideration on his own.
  • Wel.. its a tough statement that i am about to make but te way i see it you must leave that guy right away. because no matter what he say... he's been cheating you for past six years... everyday after being with some other women... he comes to you... that truly betrayal... and sorry you must take action against it... don't get carried away by emotions be strong and take the initiative all by yourself.
  • Wow, he was slick to keep his steppin' out covert for six years. If I were you, I would probably let this other woman or other women have him but I don't know.. maybe he got kicked to the curb and that is why he walking the straight and narrow path now. You need to do some soul searching and praying to make the decision that is best for you. I wish you all the best and I hope all your AIDS test come out negative.
  • Twenty two years is an even longer time. For 16 years he was yours alone. For 6 years he strayed, but didn't leave you. For 6 months he has toed the line and says he loves you and wants to stay with you and your children. . I think it would be an awful shame to throw it away without giving it another chance. . Now ask yourself and him what you BOTH need to do to make your marriage stronger so that neither of you can be tempted again. . You're feeling hurt, and rightly so, but if you still love him then attract him and support him. Guilt hurts, and can drive you apart. Love heals and can draw you closer together than ever before.
  • In the words of my mother a cheater is a cheater is a cheater. People might change but it will take a hell of a lot more time than 6 month's. And 6 years of cheating should never be forgotten and I dont think it should be forgiven either.
  • I always say stay in your marriage unless you're life is in danger. But, I feel some type of way now. If you're HUSBAND has been cheating for 6 years, regardless the number; give his ass the boot. Unprotected besides. I wouldn't care if I was showed his and or her papers stating their clean. It's not the point. Marriage and sex between two people should be sacred. I don't believe in giving my body to somebody else if I am involved with a man. It's not even about religion or any other thing but it's classless. I myself couldn't live with myself. And if my man is okay with me sleeping with other dudes, if he's good with himself sleeping with other females; then that's not my man at all. I's hard though because you have a family. I'm all for family 110% So it's always going to be a life changing decision either way. Yeah he loves you, that's clear because he's still there. But, marriage is like a "time investment". Several of those years (that you know of) has been malicious lies and secrets considering what you've said. I know I am going off on tangents but don't go soaking in suds just yet girl, figure out what in your HEART says is going to be the best for your kids' and your own happiness. That's where the truth lies.
  • 22 years is a longggg time. I would say, stay, but on the condition that if he even looks at another woman I would show him the door.
  • Uuummm....loves you?...Love is not having an affair for 6yrs...now he has broken up with his lover he is wanting you and the family. Personaly I wouldnt have anything to do with the scumbag...he'll be looking for another bit on the side...but hey...it's all up to you in the end.

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