ANSWERS: 32
  • A laundrymat owner went knocking on the door at the nunnery, looking to find new customers... When Sister Mary answered the door, he asked if she had any dirty habits. Lame, I know...
  • A rabbi and a vicar get in a car accident, and it's a really bad one. Both cars are completely demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the two men are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So, you're a vicar. I’m a rabbi. Oy veh, look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The vicar replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it and celebrate our good fortune." He hands the bottle to the vicar. The vicar agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the vicar. The vicar asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "Nah ... I think I'll just wait for the police."
  • Why are Jews' noses so big? Because the air is free! (Hehe I'm a Jew and I love that one)
  • Tommy goes into a confessional box and says bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman. The Priest says "Is that you Tommy"? Yes father, it is I. Who was the woman you were with? I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation. The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley"? No father. Was it Fiona MacDonald? No father. Was it Ann Brown? No father, I cannot tell you. The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys. Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks what happened? Tommy replies: "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads".
  • Three rabbis were commiserating one day about their children. 1st rabbi: YOU got a son? _I_ got a son! He plays hooky from the shul, he's disrespectful, he sneaks a bacon and tomato sandwich the other day. 2nd rabbi: YOU got a son? _I_ got a son! He won't wear the kippeh, he got home late for Sabbath dinner three weeks in a row, he goes and gets a punk haircut. 3rd rabbi: YOU got a son? _I_ got a son! His mother introduces him to all kinds of nice Jewish girls, and here he brings home a shikse. God Almighty, listening, loud voice: YOU GOT A SON? _I_ GOT A SON........
  • Boudreaux the Baptist Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The strong delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism. After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic." Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched. There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."
  • A Presbyterian dies and is directed to hell. He gets there and the devil says, "Hi. Let me show you around." The devil takes him to a very nice condo, with swimming pool, 9-hole golf course adjacent, everything included. The residents looked generally pleased. The guy is impressed, but this isn't what he heard hell was like, so he asked, "Could I see some more?" "Sure," the devil says, and takes him to a high-rise in mid-town and shows him an apartment, with views out over the water and handy shops nearby. People were busy but seemed contented. "Really nice," the guy says. "But there must be more." The devil takes him over the next hill and there's the real deal: Tormented souls in fire and brimstone, groaning and wailing. The Presbyterian turns pale and the devil says, "You'll want to be getting back," and takes him to a neighborhood with pretty single-family detached houses. "Well, which kind of home do you like best?" "This all seems wonderful," the guy says, "but I can't help wondering: What did those poor tormented souls DO to deserve a life of eternal pain?" "Oh," the devil said. "Those are the Catholics. They INSIST on it."
  • What's the only candy Jesus can't eat? M&M's. They keep falling through the holes in his hands. (Look, it's a joke. I'm Christian too.)
  • After church one day a lil boy went up to the priest & said Father how do we get into heaven? The priest smiles & tells the boy son you have to know our lord the fathers name. The boy replies thats easy I know that, the priest says what is it, the boy says"HOWARD" 'Howard be thy name'!
  • The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw the elderly Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. The repairman decided to have some fun with the paritioner. In his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is Jesus. Your prayers will be answered." The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus, the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!" Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try again. "THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!" The lady looks up and says, "SHUT UP! I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"
  • A priest was playing golf with a member of his congregation and every time the layman missed a putt he shouted, "Oh s**t, missed the bas***d!". The priest complained about this bad language several times and eventually he says, "If you use that sort of language again the Lord will strike you down. Sure enough at the next hole the layman misses a putt and swears obscenely, at which point a bolt of lightning strikes the priest killing him, immediately followed by a voice from the skies saying, "Oh s**t, missed the bas***d!".
  • * If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? * Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? * Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip ... joy. With the second ... satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the fourth, a Danish. * Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. * Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about? * The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy." * The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish. * Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. * Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders. * Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster. * To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist. * Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. * The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook.
  • Three Nuns died and approached the famed Pearly Gates where St. Peter patiently awaited them. "Welcome, Sisters!" he said, greeting them. "I have some wonderful news for you. It has been decided that since you were so pious during your lives, each of you may return to the earth for a day. In that time, ANYTHING you do can be absolved by taking a drink from the Holy Water," he said as he pointed to a beautiful fountain just outside the Pearly Gates. 24 hours later the three Nuns returned, approaching St. Peter with heads hung low. "Sister, what is thy sin?" he asked of the first. "I kicked a man that made fun of my habit," she said. "Well, drink from the Holy Water and you will be saved," he said. She did and waited for the other two. St. Peter looked at the second, "What is thy sin?" She looked up, ashamed. "I kissed a man that I had always had a crush on," she replied. "Okay, now drink from the Holy Water and you will be saved," he instructed. She also did and waited for the last. The last one approached, giggling. "What is so funny? What sin hast thou committed?" Looking straight at the other two Nuns, she said, "I peed in the Holy Water!"
  • Saw this one online recently. Science has advanced very, very far. A gathering of scientists believed that because they now had the power to create life, God was no longer needed. So they all decided that someone should go and tell God this. One man volunteered to go. One day he climbed a mountain and called upon God. "God! We humans now have the ability to bring people from the dead, we can create our own life, we don't need you anymore. So just leave us alone." God listened to the scientist and nodded His head. "Okay, I'll tell you what, if you can really create life, let's have a competition. If you can create a better person than me, I'll go, but we'll have to do it the way I did it in the old days." So the scientist agrees and begins to collect some dirt to make his person. God watches him and finally asks him what he's doing. "I'm using the dirt to make a person," the scientist says. God smiles, looks at the scientist and replies, "Go make your own dirt."
  • Jesus came to town and was teaching among the people. Suddenly a maddened mob religious zealots push their way toward him. They drag forward a woman with a bedsheet draped around her and holler, "We caught this woman in the act of adultery! Should we stone her?" Jesus looks off into the distance for a moment, then stoops down and begins scratching something in the sand. Eventually he stands up and says, "Let the person here without sin cast the first stone." Everything is very quiet. All of a sudden a little rock flies in from the edge of the crowd and smacks the woman upside the head. Jesus looks over the crowd in the direction of the rock-thrower, then calls, "Mom! Cut that out!"
  • OK this works better when a bloke tells it but use your imagination: An old man goes to confession and begins "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been faithful to my wife for forty years, but last night I sullied our vows by sleeping with twin nineteen year old glamour models I met in the local." The priest is silent for a moment, clearly shocked, and then asks. "I see. And how long has it been since your last confession?" "I've never been to confession Father." "And why is that?" "I'm Jewish." "So why are you telling me?" "I slept with two nineteen year old glamour models - I'm telling EVERYONE!"
  • What do preists eat on Friday ? Nun
  • An ayatollah, a catholic priest, a buddhist monk and a Jehowah witness walk into a bar. The barman turns to them and asks: "Which kind of joke is this going to be?"
  • Why do you always take 2 mormons with you when you go fishing? Because if you only take 1 they drink all your beer.
  • One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
  • The Buddha walks into a pizza restaurant and says "Make me one with everything!"
  • A hiker was out alone on a mountain trail when he lost his footing and slid over the side of the mountain. Frantically scrambling and grasping for anything that came within his reach, he was able to clutch onto a tiny shrub to halt his descent. Desperate he cried for help. "Help"! he cried out. "Can anyone hear me"? Then a deep booming, yet gentle voice from the clouds above answered. "I will help you my child, but first you must place all of your faith and trust in me". "OK"! shouted the desperate man, "Just tell me what to do"! "Let go of the branch my child". After roughly five minutes pass the fallen hiker shouts out "Is there anybody else up there"?
  • Two Gypsies came to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter directed them to Nirvana, which was just down the street. "But we want to get into Heaven!" they said. "I know you guys," Peter said. "You're just low-caste Hindus. Nirvana's for you. Second door down the street." "But we were practicing Catholics!" they said. "Look, I KNOW you guys," Peter said. "That was just camouflage. Now go to Nirvana!" "Can't you at least ask God for us?" they asked. Peter thought he might get in trouble if he didn't, so he took their appeal to God, and since it was a slow day, God decided that just this once they'd try it and see. So Peter marched back with the stately tread that becomes a saint--and two minutes later came back at a dead run, with robes and beard trailing in the wind behind him. "They're gone!" he shouted. "The Gypsies are gone?" God asked. "Not the Gypsies! The Pearly Gates!"
  • Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'. The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'". Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" So she replies, "My son is 6' 2", he has plenty of money, broad square shoulders, and terribly handsome, dresses very well, tight muscular body, tight hard buns, and a very nice bulge.... Whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, 'Oh, my God...!!'."
  • wow downrating me by 5 pts for asking people to tell jokes...guess someone finds laughter offensive.
  • I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "DIE, HERETIC SCUM!" and pushed him off. - Emo Phillips
  • Sean and Seamus are walking down the main street of Londonderry when they see the Catholic Priest. Sean winks at Seamus and says: "Watch me play a little game with the Father". He walks up to the priest and says, "Father, do you know the Pope drinks?" The priest replies" "Is that so ,my son. Go in peace, my son. Sean tries again. "Father, do you know the Pope smokes?" The priest replies: "Is that so, my son. Go in peace, my son." Once more Sean tries to rile the priest:"Father, do you know the Pope hangs round with wild, wild women"| The priest replies: "Is that so, my son? Go in peace my son." Sean walks back to his friend, disappointed. Seamus looks at him and says, "Let me try." He goes up to the priest and says "Father, do you know the Pope's turned Protestant?" The priest replies "So your friend's been telling me!"
  • This will make sense to those in the UK familiar with the TV show. Joke :- What do you do if you see Jesus walking down the street ? You give him a bible and say Jesus, This Is Your Life.
  • Therers a burglar doing a job, nicking Cds, etc, stuffing them into a rucksack. He hears a voice saying "Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you" He's a non believer so he carries on, but hears it again from another room. He goes to look and finds a parrot talking "Jesus is watching you, Jesus is watching you" The burglar says "whats your name then" ? Parrot says "Moses". Burglar says "Thats a funny name for a parrot" Parrot says "Not as funny as Jesus for a rottweiler!"
  • Best to say aloud and mexican part in a mexican accent. A jew walks into a bar, and sees a mexican. he goes up to his and says, "Hey, are there any Jews in Mexico?" MExican guy says, "Si, there are plenty of jews in Mehico." Jew," Really? do you know any?" Mexican, "Si, i know many Jews" Jew, "Well, what are their names?" Mexican, "Well, there's apple jews, orange jews, pinapple jews." Cracks me up every time...
  • What is a Jewish woman's favorite wine? "I wanna go to Miami!"
  • A teenage boy approaches his Father and pleeds please buy me a car, not until you cut your hair son, his father demands. But Jesus had long Father, the son argues, Yes and he walked everywhere he went..

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