ANSWERS: 14
  • The children ALWAYS come first so you HAVE to tell the truth in that ituation.
  • You are a good person and know right from wrong. No more needs to be said.
  • I would assume that it will be confidential....Please be honest, I have been in this position before...the children come first.
  • VERY tough position to be in. The *friend* asked you - right? Not the child services people? As gently as possible, I'd decline. The safety of the children is paramount.
  • You must remember that the best interest of the children override any "friendship". You would hate for her to get her kids back and then them end up hurt or dead. You can tell her you would be glad to write one and then send it confidentially. She will never read it if you send it directly to the caseworker. This is a tough place to be but remember that the kids come first.
  • Oh that is so hard .. she must have known she was putting you on the "spot" with this. However, if you know facts about her parenting skills that the authorities should know, it's your duty to tell them for the sake of the kids.
  • It's not about the freindship, it's about the safety and well being of the child. When you think of it like that, it's easy to know what the right thing to do is.
  • So unhappy. You tell what you know for sure. The children have a right to have the best life they can have even if you lose a friend.
  • It's easy for everyone to sit back and give advice. You're in a tough spot and I don't envy the fix you're in. Do you see her often enough so that if she wants nothing more to do with you, you would be sorry? Have you ever seen her lose her temper, i.e., would she come after you? Is there any way you can avoid her in the future? Lots of things to think about, and I can't even begin to tell you what to do.. but best of luck.
  • I would be truthful. The kids' safety is more important than my friendship with their mother.
  • I couldn't not respond to this. What an awful, soul searching position to be put into. I would ask you this. You say you don't feel she is a good mum but what does that mean? Many people may not be a "good mum" based on your high standards but does that mean she is a bad mum? A bad enough mum to keep her children away from her? Will she do them harm physically or emotionally. Will they be better off in foster care or adopted than to be with their own mother. Which situation will give them more anquish? Therein lies the crux of this I think. I would consider responding directly to the lawyer in confidence and dropping her a note saying you have sent him a letter. Then leave it at that. You need only state what you know about her and what you have witnessed not what you think. Let him decide what to do with that info. Maybe that will make it easier for you to cope with. Good luck SP.
  • Tell the truth as you see it.
  • I am curious SP as to how you handled this situation and how it turned out in the end. Were you actually asked to follow through with the reference?
  • I would refuse to submit a reference. First of all, I have no desire to enter anything into writing in reference to the custody of children unless it's under legal counsel or subpoena. Secondly, I do not feel I could act in good conscience on behalf of either party. The woman will just have to get a reference elsewhere.

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