Two cows in a field... one says MOO! The otherone says, Oi! I was going to say that!

I have stretch marks older than you....it will either gross you out or make you smile but at least I did something for that brief moment. I hope something really nice happens for you today!

Here's a joke. There was a guy who died and went to heaven. He noticed that heaven was full of clocks so he asked St. Peter, "what are the clocks for?" and St. Peter answered, "the clocks move everytime a person tells a lie." So the guy looked around and noticed that George Bush's clock was missing. "Where is the president's clock?" He asked. St. Peter replied, "It's in hell. Satan's using it as a ceiling fan."

Here is something that might work:

It's not a joke or anything but if I'm going through a rough spot in life this always cheers me up: Everything turns out ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end.

Maybe this will cheer you up:

NBA training camp starts in 3 weeks! . . .

I tried lining my cat box with the National Enquirer, but the cat said he won't poop in there, it would be redundant;)

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO BABY TALK ! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit myNana. "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." "No," she said, "you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" [I love this] Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT"

The Penis Wants a Raise I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 1. I do physical labor. 2. I work at great depths. 3. I plunge head first into everything I do.. 4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 5. I work in a damp environment. 6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation. 7. I work in high temperatures. 8. My work exposes me to diseases. Dear Penis, After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have Raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons: 1. You do not work 8 hours straight. 2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period. 3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. 4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting Other locations. 5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated In order to start working. 6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as Wearing the correct protective clothing. 8. You will retire LONG before you are 65. 9. You are unable to work double shifts. 10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have Completed the assigned task. 11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and Exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, The Management

Two mints in a bar... Mint 1 : I am the hardest, toughest, meanest Mint in this whole city... Mint 2 : OK fair enough... In walks a Throat Sweet, Mint 1 dives under the table, shaking a scared for his life.. Mint 2 : What the hell is the matter with you? I thought you were tough? Mint 1 : YES I AM! BUT THAT DUDE OVER THERE IS COMPLETELY MENTHAL!!!!!

Home Depot customer My Friends, I give you "THE DUMBEST GUY ON EARTH!" This picture is real - not doctored in any way - and was taken by a Transportation Supervisor for a company that delivers building materials for 84 Lumber. When he saw it in the parking lot of IHOP, he went to buy a camera to take pictures. Read on.................. The car is still running, as can be witnessed by the exhaust. The driver finally came back after the police were called, and was found crouched behind the rear of the car, attempting to cut the twine around the load! Luckily, the police stopped him and had the load removed. The materials were loaded at Home Depot. Their store manager said they made the customer sign a waiver. While the plywood and 2X4's are fairly obvious, what you can't see is the back seat, which contains (are you ready for this?) 10 bags of concrete @ 80 lbs. each. They estimated the load weight at 3000 lbs. Both back tires exploded, the wheels bent and the rear shocks were driven through the floorboard.

somewhere over the rainbow there is happiness.

I caught you a delicious bass... :D

Priceless.

I when see my friend walking down da street driving one Cadilak. So I wen ask him "Eh, Braddah, how you stay get da car?" He sez, "Its one long story but I tell you anyway..." I waz walking down dis street and one lady stay driving dis car, she say "Hop inside, we go for one ride", So naturally I got inside. Den she drive up da mountains, hemo all her cloze and put dem in one pile and sez, "You can have anything you like." So, naturally I took da car. So I sez to him, "Eh, you pretty smart, you know da clothes wuzen going fit you anyway!"

Smile your being watched by Curious George see

A dog limps into an old west bar, walks up to the barkeep, and says "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".

Hope you like this one: 5 reasons not to be a penis... 1. You're bald your whole life. 2. You have a hole in your head. 3. Your neighbors are nuts 4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and.. 5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.

it's all poppycock

Here's another one you may find funny: A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

And another good one: Have you ever used any of these? 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying. 10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 20. I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 23. Do I look like a people person? 24. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 25. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 27. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 30. Wait! Wait! I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 35. Chaos, panic, & disorder--my work here is done. 36. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 37. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 38. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 39. Oh I get it...like humor...but different. 40. What liberal told you marrying a fat, rich, loud-mouthed gas-bag, automatically makes you right or smart?

oops meant to be a comment not answer!

Something for the ladies: Five tips for a woman.... 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. Something for everyone: These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. _______________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Women are like hurricanes, when they are around, they are wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your house and your car!

Did you hear about the Irish man who drowned in a vat at the Guinness factory? He had to get out three times to piss.

Who's The Daddy? (Supposedly) The following are all replies that Oklahoma women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing "father's details". Or putting it another way...Who's yo Daddy? 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. Peter Smith Is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time...well, I don't have clue. 8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom . 9. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. 10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

George w bush is a good public speaker!

I've been called LOTS of bad names...some of them I by gosh earned, some randomly flung....and some just plain creative. One of the creative ones had to do with the busting of a males anatomy my nose being hard and a female dog. Yeah...I worked hard to deserve that one at the time. Laugh with me. Then ponder if your own bad names have had ANY creative thought put into them. If not, they apparently came from an unthinking, overreacting type of person. May have just said the first thing that came to mind without considering the risk for DRs. he he he cheer up honey. I'll call you sweety, friend, fellow ABer. How many more nice ones till the negative ones are cancelled out ?Peace and Grace.

http://linebuzz.com/.../tonto_the_man_said_tonto_goldstein_but_m.html This is the funniest joke I've ever heard..too long to copy and paste..enjoy!

http://www.coolfunnyjokes.com/Funny.../Call-me-Bubba.html -

A little boy answers the phone. "Hello" he whispers. The man on the other end of the phone asks to talk to his parents, and if they are avaliable. "No," whispers the little boy. "Their busy" "Well is there anyone else there?" The man asks. "Yes" "Who is there?" "A policeman." "Well can I talk to the police man." "No." replies the little boy. "Their busy." "Well is there anyone else there?" "Yes, a fireman, but he is busy to." Frusterated that the call is going no where the man on the phone asks, "Why are all these people at your house? What are they doing that is so important that none of them can come to the phone!?!" The little boy then replies with pride "Their looking for me."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan, when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow-job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!". :D