• My gf and I have lived together for ten years and have three children together - ages 7, 6 and 4. We decided that we are happy just being us and that we don't want to be married. In every other respect we are pretty much a traditional family. However, I have to say that my mother and my gfd's parents have never been too happy about the fact that we are not married. My mother and my gfd's mother have adjusted, however, and don't say too much about it. In fact, my gfd's mom has actually been a real sweetheart to me, but my gfd's dad periodically will say something - usually a snide remark about me. In the early stages, my "father-in-law" and I had a few big fights, but over time things have mellowed for the most part. Still, he has made it pretty clear he does not like me. Though in absolute fairness, he has said that I have been a good provider for my family and a good father - and he has been nothing but the best toward my kids - his grandchildren. He is an old fashioned church going Catholic. He is also a retired military officer (Navy) and he can be a bit gruff. So with all that as background, he called yesterday evening and I picked up the call. We rarely speak on the phone - he usually asks for my gf almost immediately - but we exchanged pleasantries and I mentioned that I was taking my gf for a long Valentine's weekend - as she and I have done for ten years. He replied, "Yeah, your making my daughter into a whore. I'm so proud." I bit my tongue and ignored it as best I could, but I am livid. I love my gf with all my heart. She is a fabulous partner and a fantastic mother to our children and for him to say something like that about his own daughter - and saying that I was doing it - frankly enrages me. I want to say something to him, but my gf says to forget it. She says, "You know what my dad is like." It does not bother her but I am furious. Should I ignore it and obey my gfd's wishes or should I let this guy know what I think of him? I have put up with a lot - and I would go through it all over again for my gf - but this time, as I see it, he not only attacked me, but he attacked her and it sickens me.
    • officegirl
      Please think about it. He did not attack her at all but attacked you. Cheap shot. But unless you get off on fighting I would say hold your tongue and keep the peace. Or perhaps you have yet to learn what "he is like." You can't make him like you just as he can't make you do what he wants. If I were a man and he had said something like that to me and I could think fast enough I would have played along and elaborated on all the ways I was "making her a whore". Serves him right. If that is what he chooses to think then that is what you go with. Just the kind of stuff my mother would say to me the last thirty years of her life. If he wants to be unhappy and proud let him.
    • dorat
      Thanks Officegirl. Like I said below to Niki, I've cooled down a lot since that day - and you (and she and my gf are all) right. I know what he is like, too, and yes, I understand that it was aimed mostly at me. (Frankly, I liked your suggested riposte, but I just could never talk about doing that to my gf - even in jest or for a counterpunch. I just could not say it.) Anyhow, you are right, but I just get so tired. I want him to like me as much because it means so much to my gf - and I do want to keep the peace. I guess after ten years, I am just exhausted.
  • Honestly I saw ignore it and enjoy your gf and kids. I agree, marriage is just a piece of paper. What mattes is that you love and support each other. You gf knows what kind of guy he is and their is nothing you can do to change him. Even if you did marry her, he's still probably be resentful that you waited so long. Just treat him kind, wish him a happy birthday, send him a card for father's day, get a six pack of beer just because. He will look like the jerk for being an ass to a good guy. Everyone can see it, so their is no point in saying anything. The more you fume about it, the more power you are putting into his hands.
    • dorat
      Thanks, Niki, for your answer. I genuinely appreciate that you took the time. In truth, I've cooled down a lot since that evening and I figured it is best to let it go. The other factor that I did not mention is that my gf truly loves her father and it rips her to pieces that he has been so difficult to deal with. So I would not be making her happier if I followed every instinct in my bones and let the guy have it. As I say, in fairness, he is an old Navy guy and a bit gruff, but even then he has gone so far to say, in his weaker moments I guess, that I have been a good provider and a good father. (He is also, I cannot deny it, been a stupendous and loving grandfather. It is something to watch to see this old gruff tough Navy guy who has had more than a few choice words for me turn into a pussycat with his grandkids.) So I guess I will take what I can get. Thanks, though. I needed the boost. Of course, my gf (and her sisters) have been supportive, but I get worn down. It has been ten years of sometimes harsh sniping and I don't know what to do. Your advice is good advice, though, and I genuinely want to thank you for it.
    • officegirl
      Exactly, great answer.
    • officegirl
  • marry her shut the old c*nt up. It'll waste one day you'll get a nice piece of paper but father inlaw will shut up , hes worried his daughter wont goto heaven its his belief it will never change.
  • In the catholic religion cohabitation (living together while having premarital sex) is objected to by the Catholic Church because it disposes all couples who do live together before marriage to mortal sin (partaking in sex outside of marriage). So you will be battling against his own feelings, (isn't my daughter good enough for you to marry? but ok to take on a Valentine weekend, along with the fact he has to tell his family and friends that you haven't bothered to marry his daughter, and finally, in his belief you are making of her a whore, because you are partaking in a mortal sin. So you not marrying her is also affecting his pride, and an insult to his belief. You aren't going to win on this, and there will always be a bone of contention there. You haven't said why you don't want to marry each other, I accept 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce, but it doesn't mean marriage isn't still a good thing, so I don't know your side. And there are going to be many opinions on this depending on age, belief, and experience. Children born out of wedlock use to be considered bar stewards. And marriage was considered a sacramental act, and a formal declaration of love and unity. All you will do is rehash the same battle, but from his standpoint he is never going to respect you as you wish. So either get married, or accept that this is how it is, and perhaps not highlight the fact that you're taking her away for valentines.
  • You have no right to say anything to your "father-in-law". Your disdain for marriage meant more to you than his religious convictions. Now he has to go through life watching his daughter raise three bastards.

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