ANSWERS: 22
  • It's really impossible to speak for your ex-boyfriend, he's the only one who could answer for certain. I really wish I could be helpful because I can relate to this. But based on the limited facts given I wouldn't feel the least bit confident assuming the motives and feelings of your ex boyfriend. I've been with my girl for 10 years now and I would feel really stupid if I just now figured out she wasn't right for me. I'm human though, I can't say I haven't questioned or wondered if I made the right choice or if there was someone else better for me. But when I really stop and think about it, I realize that she's more than I ever could have asked for. I really and honestly hope that he didn't take the decision lightly, I'd hope that he would take his life seriously enough to carefully consider what that decision is going to mean and how important that is to him. On one hand, if you decide to end it because they are not the right one for you, then that might convey the message that you wasted 10 years of your life, in essence lived a lie for 10 years, and not wise to take such a long time to realize. But on the other hand if I realize it, then I wouldn't continue the relationship if it wasn't going forward or if I was truly unhappy with the situation. Living a 20 year lie does not justify the 10 year lie. The main focus is to do what's right and make the best decision for yourself after carefully weighing in all factors. My opinion is that the more important issue at hand is moving forward in a positive way, doing all the right things for all the right reasons, and not damage control for your past mistakes. You can't have success with anything without also taking the willing risk of failure. A failure is a failure by default when he fails to make an attempt at success. A failure is only a failure by his own doing, no one else makes us a failure, the blame is 100 percent on ourselves. I'm so far off the subject right now, see this is the crazy crap I think about when I'm stoned, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I had rehab and I don't want rehab. Ok, so anyways I'll sum up on the actual point if I ever had one. Doesn't look like I did, I'll make one up now. My point is no one can really say for certain why someone did what they did. You are the best judge of your perception. Good night and good luck.
  • I don't think he still loves you :( It'd be weird to just let things completely fall apart after ten years of being so close, so that's probably why he still talks to you. You can't just let someone that important...go.
  • love cant be swithced on and off of course he still has feelings but dont get your hopes up :/
  • So... There we go...I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you. It’s like all of a sudden the most special person in your life changed his mind about you and decided everything you have together was worth nothing to him. What’s going on here? How and why do men change their minds so quickly? What often makes this situation worse is that a man will do most of the following: A) Show little or no signs of what he’s feeling, or that things have changed for him B) Avoid trying to talk with you about it or “work it out” C) Not give you any warning until he breaks up with you, so it completely blindsides you D) Act as though for your relationship to end, it’s as simple as him letting you know that it’s over for him E) Not have any other “real” reason for his change of heart, other than he just doesn’t want a relationship, or he doesn’t “feel it” for you anymore and he wants to leave Recognize any of these? Unfortunately, if you’re like most, you know all too well what I’m talking about here. And you know exactly how these things happen and feel. Let me be very direct with you about something: If you’re one of the very small percentage of women who understand why this happens, and what to do about it… don’t worry about reading the rest of this post. This post won’t be a good use of time for you if you’re a woman like this. But… If you AREN’T one of these few women, and you’ve been left by a man on a moment’s notice for reasons you could never understand, then I’m going to assume you’re still reading and with me because you’d like to learn a few things… Most importantly, I’m guessing you’d like to learn about: -WHY men feel this way and what it really means and what to do about it -WHAT you might have done to bring this about, if anything -HOW to move past this unfortunately common problem quickly, and avoid it in the future Still with me? Good. Because I’m going to help you start seeing things from a new perspective… and allow you to create a better situation for yourself now and in the future. Now, let me share a few other thoughts and tips with you. WHY MEN WHO SEEM TO LOVE YOU WILL SAY THEY AREN’T “IN LOVE” WITH YOU ANYMORE If you’ve been in a relationship or two with a man that didn’t end well, then there’s something important I’m sure you’ve already learned: That men can be close to you, share love and affection… and then quickly turn away or leave altogether for what seems like no good reason at all. As much as this seems to be completely bizarre, unexplainable, and ridiculous, it’s not. Let me shed some light on what’s going on here to save you a lot of time, heartache and frustration. Men who get into relationships and commit with women DON’T change their minds suddenly about whether or not they want to be with a woman. Although it sure seems this way to a lot of women whose relationships fall apart. The truth is, when a woman is caught COMPLETELY OFF-GUARD when she learns a man’s feelings and desire to be with her have changed… it’s often because she wasn’t at all AWARE of the way her own thinking and behavior was slowly but surely changing his feelings. Now, hearing this might tick you off a little. You might either feel annoyed at me for saying this, or you might really feel annoyed at your past relationship and the man in it for not appreciating you or abandoning you. I understand. But don’t let it keep you from LEARNING and GROWING. I get that men can do some pretty crappy things… and handle them in even crappier ways with you. But there’s a truth here for you to understand… And that is, unless you want to keep repeating the same mistakes in your life, and re-living the same painful situations with men… You’re going to have to forget about what it is that a man might think or do that is beyond your control. And you’re going to have to, as much as it might seem scary or too much work for you, start focusing on what it is you CAN CONTROL - Which is… your own thinking and behavior. Let me be CRYSTAL CLEAR about this: Why does a man fall “out of love” and leave a woman that he loves? Because he CHOOSES TO. Because the EXPERIENCES he has with a woman tell him on an EMOTIONAL LEVEL that not being with her is what is best for him. It’s really that simple if you boil it all down. Of course, truly understanding and accepting this cold hard fact is a whole different story. TONS of women literally spend their entire lives upset and frustrated with trying to figure out why men do the things they do, or feel the things they feel, only to end up back in the same place again and again - Abandoned, loveless and alone... And with all that pain and frustration, it makes sense that they’re never really able to STOP WORRYING so much about HIM and why things are happening the way they are. Instead of starting to DO and SAY the things that will inspire him to connect on a DEEP EMOTIONAL LEVEL and stay with them in the first place. The strange reality is that your man can fall back “in love” with you just as quickly as you feared he fell out of love. Sometimes what seems impossibly complex about men and relationships can quickly “shift” if you know how to create change. Here are the 3 most common mistakes women make when they experience a man leaving or “falling out of love” with them. These mistakes practically KILL any chances of a man changing his mind or falling BACK in love with you. These are: A) You quickly turn against your man and tell yourself he was never even CAPABLE of loving someone else the way you love him, and so you close yourself off. B) You try to deny the fact that your man is feeling the way he feels, so you try to argue against him and change his mind. C) You become incredibly upset and either explode in pain or anger… or you become sad and try to get him back by hoping he’ll see how devastated you are and take pity on you. Now, see anything interesting about men, about yourself, and about how communication works from reading these 3 mistakes? Here’s a hint- What do all these have in common when it comes to addressing any of the “real problems” that might be going on, and why a man might want to leave? They are all 100% COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. In other words, they not only don’t help but these things actually make the situation a whole lot worse. Translation - the man who was already feeling like he didn’t want to spend more time with you ends up feeling like being around you is worse than he thought before. And you can almost hear the last nail being hammered into your relationship coffin. Thousands of women have asked me something along the lines of: “I did this, and then this happened, and then he felt this and said this, and now things are bad or over. Can I fix this? Or is it too late?” Want to know the answer? It’s not too late. Unless you happened to murder the man you love. Why isn’t it too late, even though I don’t know every detail about every relationship? Well, to make a long story short, humans have an amazing ability to CHANGE and ADAPT. Which means… If you know how to start interacting with a man in a way that starts to “engage” him in a positive way emotionally, and you know how to create feelings of ATTRACTION and DESIRE within him, then things can change for the better VERY QUICKLY… It also means, more importantly for you, that YOU TOO can learn, grow, and adapt. Even if you weren’t in the best place personally and emotionally in the past with a man… and some of the things you did pushed him away and made him feel anxious, unhappy, irritated, and just generally UNATTRACTED and UNINTERESTED while he was around you… You can do something about this. You can actually learn and grow and show him the person you’ve probably been all along inside, but he couldn’t see or enjoy or get close to because of all the uncertain and fearful emotions that were in the way. Most women end up not pushing men away because they want to… but because their intense desire to be close and connected and share love somehow wraps them up in negative patterns in their own mind. The surefire way to avoid having the thinking and behavior that come naturally to you - but get in your way - is to actually get to the source of everything. Learning what to say and when to say it is great, but it’s not going to help you if the way you FEEL inside keeps working against you. If you ever found yourself going “off the deep end” emotionally with a man, and then regretting it and knowing that it not only made the situation worse… but was probably changing the way he saw you and judged you, then don’t sit back and let things slip away because you think there’s nothing you can do about it. If you’re intelligent, you can probably outsmart a man and figure out all the reasons why HE is not a great partner. But you may have recognized that you still don’t know how to INSPIRE him to be a great partner. If you’d like to have a great guy in your life and have him treat you well… but somewhere in the back of your mind you don’t really feel great about yourself, the current state of your life and love life - and you’re negative and pessimistic because you don’t really BELIEVE that good things happen to you - then it’s going to affect you in a subtle but significant way when you are close with a man. But if you don’t know how to get HIM interested in the kind of relationship you want… and you don’t know how to find out what it is that he really wants and values deep down inside, then it’s going to be impossible to ever really have something REAL and LASTING. Most women think that if they can get some understanding about the words, the actions, and the emotions that take place between themselves and a man that they can figure out how to make things work and a loving relationship will just come together. The truth is that WORDS, ACTIONS, and EMOTIONS are really just the things that are on the SURFACE between a man and a woman. If you don’t know what’s going on beneath the surface, inside his mind and his heart, then you’re not going to be able to get to the “essence” of what’s really happening inside a man. There’s a deeper level of understanding. Let me suggest something to you here… Isn’t it possible that just like you, a man can either feel attracted, or not feel attracted, because of that “something else” about you that he couldn’t put his finger on if you asked him? And above and beyond ATTRACTION… can’t a man feel like you’re either the one person he wants to be with, or not, just the way you can? The answer here is YES… a man can feel this way. And NO… there’s nothing you can possibly ever think of to say or do with a man that will change his mind or his feelings right then and there. But most women try to anyway. If you’re ready to leave your old fears, your past failed relationships, and your old negative and destructive thought patterns behind… And you’ve made the decision to become your “best self” for the sake of your own happiness and your relationship, then the good news is that I can help. http://www.albinafabiani.com/love.html Best of Luck, Albina
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  • It sounds as though he may be unsure and doesn't want to burn his bridges. But I think you should at least get him to sit down and talk to you. 10 years is a long time together and he owes you a little more detail than just saying you are suddenly not the right one.
  • It's human nature to excuse what we're told by someone we love, i.e., surely he didn't mean that. If he told you you're not right for him, and it took him 10 years to come to that conclusion, you've been robbed of a decade of your life's possibilities and now dumped. Is that love? To quote Ms. Turner, what's love got to do with it?
  • if you were together for 10 years he will still love you. he's being cold as it helps him not want to go back as you are what he's used to. he's just thinking about the future i think though. he may have realised he wanted somthing different.
  • He has told you "you are not right for me". You need to listen and BELIEVE him. He probably knew this YEARS ago and only recently became brave enough to tell you. Sounds like he was stringing you along until he found someone better. He may even keep you on the side encase that relationship falls through. (is there a chance he will be getting married to someone else soon?) You deserve better then that. It's time to move away from this relationship and focus on someone who does feel you are "just perfect for them". Don't waste anymore time on this guy. He has told you how he feels. Believe him.
  • Since he broke up with you and acts cold, he probably calls you honey to avoid screwing up and calling you the name of his current girlfriend. Honey is nice and generic. I don't know that I would call it charity on his part to interact with you this way. Charitable would be to cut contact and totally move on so that you can do the same.
  • I think thats crazy ten year partners and you never married, but anyway after ten years you must be in your 30's and that time people are mature enough to decide what they really want not just the best looking male/female. Normally people that have been together for so long grow to love each other, well because you've been together so long, you love each other becasue you've spent most of your life together. My parents are nearly fifty and they aren't as attractive as were when they first met, they've been with each other for 22 years and i would say both happy. Anyway your bf can't love someone like he loved you because its not easy trying to find someone else that you are sure you love, after been with someone ten years, it will take him another 5 years atleast to find someone he loves more than you and be sure of it. I think he will come crawling back to you tbh.
  • He would have married you a loooooooonnnngggg time ago if you were "the one." Say good riddence and move on to someone who will love you like you deserve!
  • I would say no, he does not love you anymore. This does not mean he can't ever love you again, and it does not mean you are not referred to as honey anymore. He probably still cares about you just like he used to, but isn't willing to jump through hoops if you don't really need it.
  • Holy Shit (sorry for the language), BF for ten years. Im just curious how do you have a relationship that long without getting married.
  • He doesn't love you in a romantic way. He doesn't want to marry you or have you be his life partner. He is trying to be kind and still get his point across. I am sorry you've been so hurt. Ten years is a long term investment in a relationship and to break up after so many years is as painful as getting a divorce. Just believe him. It's over. It's time to buy some new clothes, get a fresh sexy haircut, and maybe even take a job in a new city. Just move forward and don't look back.
  • is he doing what out of charity? what do you mean, "does he still love you?" didn't he just break up with you? what part of this are you not getting?
  • 10 years? I guess you can't say he likes to make impulsive decisions. It probably sounds cruel of me to put it this way, but that's like taking a ten year test drive and deciding not to buy because you heard all of the rattles and squeaks. You're a patient lady, I'll give you that much. Most women would give a guy about one tenth that much time...and then SHE would decide it was time he put up or hit the road; who'd blame them? Honey is something Winnie the Pooh is in love with. Any guy that took you for ten years and then says it isn't right doesn't love you and he can't possibly love anyone, for want of his self-coddling. Does he care? Hey! I care about you as a human being, and besides being green, hairy, bug eyed and (married), I'm quite a catch! Sorry, in spite of my understanding yet grumpy nature, I'm not ready to proclaim love for you as a romantic partner, and it didn't take me ten years of stringing you along to let you know. I hope a double D (Decent and Decisive)man comes your way.
  • The grocery store clerk calls me honey also, but I wouldn't mistake that for love. He has been calling you that so long, it has become a habit, he doesn't mean anything by it.
  • To truely know whether or not someone loves you is to not have to ask the question. You deserve to find someone who will make you feel like you rock their world and you will. What you had with your boyfriend will always be special and I'm sure you will always hold eachother dear but it is time to start letting go and let life unfold. Who knows what will happen in the future but right now you need to think about you and being happy with yourself. I'm sure your ex will respect you for that :)
  • If he'd been calling you "Honey" all those years, it may be force of habit. My ex-husband and I still called each other that for several years after our divorce! But seriously, it's time to move on. This has not been a loss if you have many fond memories of the past 10 years. It's time to make new memories with new life experiences and new relationships.
  • You have now become his "back-up". If he feels you aren't right for him then he needs to break communication with you...this is for your sake. If he doesn't do the breaking then you should. He doesn't care for you the way you did for him, he never will. Realize your beauty and wonderful attributes and don't waste your time with someone who uses people so he won't be along. I don't think that a friendship is possible directly after a break-up but when wounds heal, it is possible. Go get yours, i guarantee he's getting his.
  • No he is not being cold to you out of charity nor did he break up with you for that reason. It matters not whether he "still loves" you - if he does then why would he break up with you? Start making yourself a better and better person daily FOR YOURSELF and then you will find you are more interesting and fascinating to others. We tend too much too define ourselves only in terms of our relationships then when they leave us we feel we are nothing. Make yourself a more valuable person to yourself and others and then if they leave you their will still be a lot of "you" left.
  • Take him out of your life altogether. No contact at all. You will find blessed freedom this way. Good luck.

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