ANSWERS: 30
  • You need to keep your step son out of the house until he is off drugs and is independent. If your wife is unwilling to do this, there is nothing you can do besides recommend rehab.
  • i would suggest that the three of you get some professional counselling for this.no matter what we tell you here, your wife and step-son can reply ,what do they know?do they have medical degrees?they will be more likely to believe trained professionals.these people may be the only way to save your marriage.
  • You are in a very touchy situation. Mom knows her son is a screw-up. She's afraid that if she forces him to "own up" and be a man (i.e., kick him out) he'll die and she can't stand the thought of that. I can completely understand that maternal feeling of not wanting to see your child hurt too. However, you need to somehow get her to agree to get him in rehab. If you have any of her family members on your side, try to get them to support you and go to her as a "team" with them to try to show her how important it is to get her son on the right path. An intervention for the intervention. If she won't do it then she is an enabler and you will be an enabler too as long as you stick around and support the both of them. Sometimes we have to just walk away. We can't solve other people's problems, we can't make others "see the light". If she isn't willing to do what needs to be done to help her son become the person he should be, then there is nothing you can do. I'm sorry. You asked for honest and hard core. I hope it doesn't come to you issuing an ultimatum but that's where it sounds like you are headed. Good luck.
  • Like somebody said she can't continue to enable the stepson or things won't get better. You need to talk with her and explain your feelings. You should give her an ultimatum if she doesn't try to solve the problem. Your 47 you should only accept what you want now.
  • Surrender him to social services. It might also save your son.
  • What was he like before you got married? Maybe he is trying to sabotage the relationship. I say, don't give him any money, or food. If you are paying the rent, etc. - show him the door. Let his mother be mad, then you will see where you really stand. Do what you feel is right, because you will eventually have to speak your mind. If you do it sooner, rather than later you will save money, time and sanity.
  • Kick him out! If he's a junkie who won't work and wont' go to rehab then that is his damn fault! He's also an adult. He worthless and there is no reason to let him stay other than to suffer more problems when in the end he will have to go anyway. I hear these people need to hit the bottom before they are ready to change anyway.
  • I feel for you. I realize it's a very difficult situation for you to be in that calls for very difficult choices. Your husband has to realize he can't fix him and until he decides to fix himself, your hands are tied. If he won't agree to rehab, he needs to go it on his own, face the consequences of his actions. Possibly you and your husband could attend al-anon. It would help you learn to deal with the an addict, give you some options to think about or if your husband won't go you can go alone.
  • The only one that can do anything is your husband...he needs to show his son the door. I was in the same spot....it was my son was doing the drugs and it wasn't up to my husband to make the decision it was my duty as a good parent to not be an enabler anymore. He needs to dish out some tough love....it isn't easy and the guilt is horrible.....but if your husband want to save his son and his marriage......show him the door. My son hasn't talked to me in 5 years but I still did the right thing. Good Luck. Mu husband is not the father of my son who is addicted to heroin .
  • Why is he wrecking YOUR marriage? Because you are allowing yourself to get involved in his problems. Step away from him. He's not your son, not your problem, not your friend or pal. His Dad must deal with him--and you need to keep your nose out of it. You must not criticise your step-son to your husband, you must remain mum. You must smile and remain silent. Dad sees what is going on--without your help. You add to Dad's problem by being critical. You are not telling Dad anything that he doesn't already know. You will only push Dad to defend Step-Sonny. And, you must be non-critical to this step-son from hell. Just be your best, most obliging self. Don't give him cause to go to Dad with complaints about you. No arguments, no "wise words." Remember he may have come with the package, but he'll be gone sooner or later...you'll still be around. Patience. It's not your place to show him the door. Don't get into a rustle contest with him. You can only lose. Someone said to call social services or the cops. NO!...first of all he's 24, too old for social services to be of any use, second calling the cops, if it is ever done, must be done by Dad ON HIS OWN. Any coaxing, or any whining,or any advice coming from you and guess who Dad will blame for the situation? Who do you think?
  • I don't see wha third party (your step-son) can ruin your marriage. Your marriage is between you and your hubby. It's like saying that the grocer keeps giving you bad fruit and that's ruining your marriage.
  • my son is also 24 doesnt work drugs drinking- stepfather - my husband told me to kick him out or he was leaving- well i told husband- do want is best for you and i do what is best for me--i told my son either he gets a job or goes to aa meetings or he had to leave-- his real dad is no-good drunk and in florida- you cant push a loving parent into choices- i had to read lots about drug addictions -talk to my son alot- let him know he cant live his life like this-- my son got a place to live- its been a month- not long-- but my husband is still here- i wouldnt choose my husband over my son- if hub doesnt love me enough to give me my space- to make my choices then he can leave-- im not an enabler - but young adult kids need small steps in life choices too just like parents i help whee i feel the help is most neeeded- mostly i let him know i love him and i dont give him money-- but your husband needs to make these choices- its so different if it isnt your real son-- so much comes from there heart- i will always help my son as long as i know he is helping himself- husband doesnt like it oh well- i dont need nomore stress- he can move on himself-he can take care of himself- see how lonely it could be to be thrown out of your own family.TALK to him about it
  • to be fair - any decent parent when asked to chose between thier child and a lover would chose the chld - so don't make him chose. this lies to you - make an effort with the step-son so his dad can see that you are at least trying. Let your husband come to the decision of what to do with him - after all, he is his father. you may not like waiting for your husband to come to a decision about what to do with him - but you can gently hint that maybe something needs to be done. i just find it's easier if they think it's thier own choice. lol
  • he needs some tough love, but not from you imafraid, however hard for you im sure this is and im sure this is a huge buden in your marriage too, the father needs to make all the decisions and try to get through to his son. I dont think you should ask him to choose between you if you have ever thought like that, because i believe he would be wrong to choose you over his son, however he does need to deal with his son, in a way that he sees fit, unfortunately you are just going to have to take a step back from the situation, maybe you could go visit friends for a few days and give them some space and let his father deal with it on a 1-1 basis
  • I have two step-daughters from hell. They both tried to keep their dad and I from becoming husband and wife, and then tried everything they could think of to break us up after we were married. They were both adults when we got married. I tried everything I could think of, from bending over backwards to try to please them to acting back to them like they had acted to me. Nothing I tried worked until I packed my bags and left. Then husband and I agreed on the following: 1. He can visit his children anytime he wants to, but don't expect me to go with him unless and until there's a drastic change in their behavior and apologies forthcoming (which will never happen); 2. I don't want to hear their names mentioned and I don't want my name mentioned to them. 3. They're not permitted to come into our house unless and until they get off all illegal drugs and are not intoxicated in any way for 90 days; 4. I don't get them anything for Christmas, birthdays, etc., and don't want anything from them; 5. They have been cut out of their father's will, and will remain out of it unless there's some drastic changes in their behavior. It's really sad that it had to come down to this. I would have loved nothing more than to have two stepdaughters. But for santity's sake, it pretty much had to be this way or I couldn't stay. Someone who had not experienced this can never comprehend how uncomfortable and unbearable the situation can actually get. I hate it most that my husband is put into a situation where he can't have his daughters and me in the same room at the same time. I know this has to be extremely difficult for him. I'm sorry I don't have the "magic pill" to fix everything for you, but if anyone does have a magic solution, maybe it will help you to know that I'll be taking the pill along with you. Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
  • The answer depends on the brat's mother. Tough love is required. It it has to start with her and then come form both of you. Without her initiative the relationship is unlikely to be savable I fear
  • Give him a certain period of time where he has to be responsible for himself. For instance, say, "By the first of the year you have to be completely on your own and I can't help you anymore". Then you have to stick to it. No matter what. There is no other advice to give you really.
  • Does your husband want to save it? I would throw the ball to him
  • You and your husband need to tackle this together, it's his problem too - even more so, maybe? I assume your step-son is living with you? If so, you need to ask him to find alternative accommodation, go on a rehab programme and make a serious effort to change his life. If he is willing to do this offer him your full support and commitment. If he refuses you need to look at strategies to get him out of your home. For this you will both need to present a united front. Basic ground rules could include no use of drugs while he is in your home - give him the 'tough love' treatment. Your marriage deserves a chance.
  • you need to talk with your husband about this issue. what you and husband need to do is put him out of the house unless he can show you he is willing to do better if not he has to go.
  • I believe that the help lies with the Father & some outside help.I too am in sort of the same boat.I'am remarried for the third time & have his 22,13,& 12 year old living with us from day one!I'am having a hard time with it.But not in regards to addiction.You both need to be there for one another!Remember,you didn't marry the son,you married him.Try to be strong & good luck!:)
  • I am in the very same situation. My marriage of 10 years has lasted, does the step son live with you? stealing from you? Or just making your life miserable? Don't ask your husband to choose,that will only lead to disaster. If your new husband isn't worried about his son. Or is looking through rose colored glasses, then you need to open his eyes.
  • How is a 24 year old ruining your life, Do you have your husbands support. If you do kick him out. Your twice his age dont let anything he does upset you. If you love him and hes an addict get him help, Think tough love, before its too late.
  • Seriously, aks your wife to join you at a couple Al-Anon meetings. If she won't go, go by yourself. I'm pretty sure this will help ALOT!
  • Get rid of the 24 year old and you might have a chance.
  • if this marriage is based on true love then it wont fade away. however, your wife needs to help you through this, if she truly loves you and cares for the marriage then she would find medical help for her son. right now the most important thing is to be there for her and her son, his going through a rough time drugs are not an easy thing to go through but helping the person whos addicted to it would make things much better. and if then she doesnt want to be with you after you've helped her, then she doesn't truly care for you enough to thank you and fix things between you two, then she doesn't deserve to have a man like you.
  • You have my sympathy. My (second) husband of eight years has been the saving grace for me and my children of a previous marriage (a hellacious 20 year learning experience that brought me three beautiful children). I imagine your spouse wants to save the marriage, too, but is caught between saving the life of his or her child and enjoying his or her life with you. I've been there. The answers are different for all of us, though we need to look at our own co-dependency issues. My husband and I worked on ours (codependency issues) and it affected how my children behave. They didn't find us so easy to manipulate once we established our boundaries. We still are generous and supportive of my children. He is more loving than their father was ever able; and I have realized that many of my allowances did more harm than good and kept my children just that ... children. In other words, taking care of everything, like a mom does, rather than letting them screw up on their own and figure it out like an adult, kept them angry children. If you're dealing with drug-related issues, there are some organizations out there that can provide some help. SAMA Foundation and Changes Institute (www.cpsn.org) have experience with scary stuff and can provide level-headed ideas for you. You and your spouse can use this experience as a way to strengthen your relationship; go deeper into your selves; grow; communicate better. It will take honesty like you never needed before and a willingness to drop all defenses and ego, but believe me, it is worth it. Blessings to you all. My wish for you is warmth, health and stamina as we move into 2009.
  • Kick the 24 year old out.
  • I can only imagine how hard it must be living in that situation and my heart goes out to you (hugs). Remember you both are parents and your step son needs to grow up, and start taking some responsiblities by getting a job since he's 24 years old but the tough part is getting him into rehabs, talk to your husband and see what you two can do to help him.
  • There is a reason your stepson is the way he is today. Did he grow up in a dysfunctional family environment? Was he abused in someway? Is his addiction hereditory? You are in your third marriage? Consider seeing a family theropist.

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