I'm not drunk 'Ossiffer'.

"Can you hold my beer?" while looking for your license and registration.

What's your problem officer you bored - I threw the joint out down the road weren't you watching

"Officer, I wasn't driving recklessly, I hit two cars just coming from the parking lot!" (That is a pun....)

::getting pulled over on a one way street:: "OMG Mr Policeman, I was only going one way, daah" ::Hair toss

care fro a drink?

"What! I PAID the Hooker!"

"Want a beer?"

Wave your hand and say "These are not the droids you're looking for".

If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight. or" dam Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with," dam officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" (to chubby cop)

Once I was belting along a favourite patch of road in a heavily modified, turbo sports car (Oh so lovely!) and saw a cop flash his lights. He'd been racing to catch up for ages and had enjoyed it (quiet, winding country road). He asked "Any reason for doing 130km/h in a 100km/h zone?" I answered "Because it keeps jumping out of 5th gear above 180..." He was still laughing as he issued the ticket...

2nd answer: but officer i dunt drink and drive i smoke and fly lol

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home after spending a great day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding a little... As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going boy?" Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?" "67 mph, boy! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "If you already knew" replied Bob, "why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I've got a very good job!" The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. "What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across." The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?" Bob nonchalantly answered, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"

My friend asked me to pick it up, I was just driving it back to him, honest...

I'm an old bastard so,if its a female Cop, "how may I help you Girlie" if its a male "are you talking to me son" another way to wind cops up is to shout speak up! I'm deaf,I left my hearing aids at home! its amazing how having someone shouting there head off will easily give up the conversation and send you on your way through utter frustration.Can you repeat the question again Officer!

Oh bugger i think i left my licence at home!

officer "where's the fire driver "at your house" officer "My house" driver "yeah your wife called said she need the extra large fire extinquisher to put out the flames. So if you dont mind she's on fire & I gotta go"

What the f*ck do YOU want?

are you the piggy that got the job?

oh please officer , my female dog is labor with 20 pups and needs to get to the vet now. that is why i was speeding. send the ticket to the father to be . aka my dog.

Once, whilst I was sitting in a parking lot with some friends, an officer walked up to our idling vehicle and tapped on the window. We were doing nothing wrong, really, but the officer said that most teenagers sitting in idling cars were drinking and doing drugs. Once he confirmed that we were clean and innocent, he began to walk away. I was clutching a Dunkin' Donuts bag, and that's where I made what could have been a fatal error: "Hey, want a donut??" Luckily, this officer had a halfway decent sense of humor and countered with: "No, we don't eat donuts so much anymore. Too much fat. We like muffins and bagels a lot more." At this point in time, I could slap my fifteen-year-old self in the face...

cool car, is it yours?

Why are you cops ALWAYS pulling me over??!?

Ok officer..move away from the car and spread em'.

"Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "Only when he's been drinking" The cop askes for your registration and you say, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment.

"Ossifer! Ossifer?... Hello! What a pretty hat you go there..hiccup!"

I'm not as think as you drunk I am. No officer there is no blood in my alcohol You're not going to check in the trunk are you?

"Can I help you," with an attitude.

Are you as dumb as you look ? ~Or~ Have any naked pictures of your wife ? No ? Wanna Buy some ?

go away

Oink.

Sorry, was I speeding officer ?, I always forget when I've had a few beers :-)

My brother is a truck driver for a living. We got pulled over in New Mexico for driving on the rumble strip for 30 seconds. The cop asked why he was on the rumble strip. My brother says to get on her nerves and points at me. This made the cop so mad he wrote the following tickets. Wreckless Driving Speeding Tail gating there were a few more I do not remeber what for but it put enough points on him so his license would be suspended. This means he lost his job as a pro truck driver. Lesson Learned? Never tell the cops the truth.

G'day, cop! Got any donuts?

You lot seem to get younger every day.

Evenin pc plod, who ate all the pies!

Consternoon afterble!

May I see your I.D.?

"here piggy piggy piggy"

the donut shop is the other way

wanna race????

I haven't had a c*nt all night drinkstable.

That was fun!

Make it quick, I'm in a hurry!

It wasn't me... :)

I thought you wanted to race? I was trying to hurry to the donut shop to buy you a gift.

Wanna see how much faster i can go? (speeds off into the distance)

"you were going pretty fast officer!"

"what's 30 extra mph anyways? you really are making a fuss for so few?"

i am sorry officer but i am late meeting your wife!!!

You pulled me over too late...I just polished off the last Krispy Kreme.

when he asks you "Do you know how fast you were going?"---- YES---makes you look guilty NO---makes you look stupid (and guilty)

Up yours Copper, before driving off again at high speed:)

Okay, what is it this time? - Why did you stop me, can't you see I am in a hurry? - Let me guess. You think I've got donuts in here. - I could have out ran that piece of s**t if I wanted to. - Well hurry the f*** up. We're outta beer and the carryout closes in 10 minutes.

"Want a hit?" *cough*

"Well, I hear traffic cops don't really make very much money" ... while fanning myself with a whole bunch of 20 dollar bills ... "I bet this could by a lot of Krispy Keremes." ... as I extend just one twenty out the window, and shove the rest in my pocket. :)

Want to see all the tickets I'm collecting, the bottles of open beers in the back seat, my expired drivers license, my damaged head light and old license plate? Can I borrow some money?

I'm gona get ya for speeding after me, as well!!!:P

So you caught me. Big deal! I bet I could outrun you on foot, fat a$$!

Come, make it fast! I'm on my way to your house. I have a date with your wife.

Sorry, I'm in a bit of a hurry to get rid of this corpse!

"Did I win?"

i didnt do it.lol

bad cop, No donut!!!

Officer, my wife ran off with a highway patrolman years ago,i thought you were trying to bring her back OR... Officer, what do you mean my eyes are red have I been drinking? You have a glazed look in your eyes ,have you been eating donuts? OR... When pulled over for speeding,make sure you stop where there is a restroom,jump out of the car,throw your wallet on the hood of the police car and exclaim "HERE OFFICER I CANT WAIT I'LL BE RIGHT BACK" Run into the rest room and wait a few minutes,then walk back out.This has been done,after leaving the rest room and approaching the officer I've had him hand me back my wallet saying " i can't write you up...i've been there too"!

Here hold this for one second *hands beer to cop*. So what seems to be the problem officer?

"Hello, Big Boy, want a good time?"

"Cut me a break, man, I'm high!"

Specifically if he asks "Do you have any drugs or weapons?" Do not respond with "What do you need?"

Can you hold my beer while I look for my insurance card?

When pulled over for a traffic violation: "Good ofternoon arcifer, I'm shtone cold sober"

"i know why you pulled me over,you either want to see my boobs or you want my number. witch will it be?" lol i dont think i could say it...but it would be really funny!

If I give you $20.00...you'll tear the ticket up right? I hear your known for that.

I'll have your Badge!!!

It's raining grapes and the sun will float in a cyst.

No! YOU get down on the ground!

Go ahead...Frisk me...(Unless it is our own LAPD... :)

Shouldnt you be at the donut shop?

Do you want to see my 'concealed weapon'? OR 'You know officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation..technically, TECHNICALLY we all were speeding..'

Do you want to play hide and seek ?

sup pig

You freeze.

F**k You, and your ticket, I pay your Salary!

damn, your wife is hot.

"Yor freeze F_cking pig. I got a bigger gun!"

Sorry officer, I didn't notice I was going that fast, its the drink :-p

You're not hot... And it's not the booze that's talking.

just wait a minute - ive only just skinned up this spliff and im going to smoke it right now! While youre waiting can you pass me my can of Stella?

"I really haven't got time for this. Can't you see I'm in a hurry!?"

So, do you want anal?

"Hello officer, now I'm not exactly saying I'm a prostitute, but if you tear up that ticket theres a good chance I'd live to give you a good time...ya know what I'm sayin?"

If you'll let me off, I'll give you my Krispy Kreme coupon!

Of course I don't know how fast I was going, but I know exactly where I am (physics jokes :D)

So, how many doughnuts have you eaten today, officer pork chop???

is this the end of the month? it must be quota time, huh?

That uniform is turning me on. How about you break out the handcuffs and we hop in the back seat of your cruiser?

Marijuana is illegal, when that happen?

Sorry, didn't you notice the sign?? NO SOLICITERS! now if you'll just be on your way...

Of course I didn't stop, I don't have any brakes.

"Damn you cops, always overcompensating cause ya not packing heat huh?"