ANSWERS: 34
  • You could invite him and see how it goes. Perhaps there could be a reconciliation, perhaps not. But at least you're being the bigger person in the situation and trying to forgive. I know how you feel.
  • A wise person once told me not to spend any time at all trying to get people to like me. She said I should use that time and energy on the people who already DO like me. I have a step-father who is to me just as this other person is to you. The way I see it, my step-dad made his bed. I've no desire to invite him or be with him. I don't feel guilty because I've already spent years trying to recover.
  • Lemme see if I get this straight, he was responsible for the misery of your entire childhood and a good portion of your adult life but you still wonder if you should let him into your house and feel torn? Wow! You're a much better person than I am!
  • so he sits at home alone by himself. Some people need to understand that there are consequences to their actions in life. You are under no obligation to extend an invitation. But if you do and they start up thats a good time to let that person have it....
  • Quit feeling sorry for the idiot that abused you. He is going to be alone, because he deserves it. You are not responsible for their happiness.
  • Does he know that he is responsible for all this misery? Is he wanting to come over for a holiday meal or to spend several days? You could always go to his home to spend a little time, then you are in control of when the visit ends. If you have enough empathy to even consider that he will be home alone if you don't invite him, then someone somewhere in your upbringing did something right.
  • Do they have mental illness? Do they know what they did? Time for a heart-to-heart. If you need to include this person in your life for whatever reason, there is no other way to progress.
  • Be the bigger person and welcome them to your home. Forgiveness is freeing! It shows that you are strong and don't hold grudges. You may find that it will help you with the healing process even if you consider yourself over it. By doing so you place yourself above what ever the cause of that misery is and that person!!!!
  • That depends. Has [s]he changed? If not, [s]he's toxic and should be left alone. You are under no obligation to do anything for him/her. Forgiveness is only possible for the repentant. Even God can't help those who will not come to Him for forgiveness.
  • Don't invite him. Then rejoice during the holidays how much better it is without him. Be glad you were strong enough to not make the mistake of inviting him.
  • While it would be great if we could "forgive and forget", (or maybe just, possibly, forgive a little bit, we'll NEVER be able to forget), I think you need to just worry about yourself, and let him worry about his own holidays! I'm not strong enough to put all the past behind ME, yet, (and, I may NEVER be), so why make myself miserable for the whole holiday/holidays? I say, don't invite him, have a good (somewhat) stree-free holiday, and enjoy yourself. We can always continue to work on our forgiveness of others, and maybe feel different in the future. Please don't beat yourself up! If your situation is anything like mine was, you did NOTHING to deserve the abuse, and forgiveness (if it is even possible), should be worked out on YOUR timetable, not his, (or anyone else's)!
  • Does he ruin your Christmas? The clue to your question, sitting home alone. How many others has he made miserable. As they say he made his bed let him lie in it. Want my advise screw him. He'll find someone else. You put up with him long enough. Merry Christmas
  • Why add to your own misery? Don't invite him. Life is too short to deal with toxic people, even if you are related to them.
  • If you dont want him there then dont invite him..he has made you unhappy for many years yet your putting yourself through this because of his feelings...perhaps its time to put yourself first!!
  • Well, forgiveness starts in the heart, this, however doesn't mean we're to be doormats so people can walk all over us and wipe their feet. If you feel he's still a threat to you, then don't invite him. If, however, you feel you can hold your own and are willing to not only stand up to him, but also strong enough ask him to leave if he even pulls some passive agressive crap on you - I think it actually might be good for you to invite him. Dealing with people - especially of this breed make you a stronger person in the end. Out of curiocity - is he your sibling, either by marriage or blood?
  • I think it would require a lot more detail to say, and I doubt you really want to spill that out. I think you know it your heart what you need to to, follow it.
  • I don't think it's a good idea until you have worked through your issues with this person and feel free of the hurt he caused.
  • Be frank with him about what guidelines he should abide by while in your home.
  • You should think about the well-being of yourself. If it hasn't worked in the past, it most likely will not work now. If you continually put others above you, they will continually walk all over you. Put your foot down, no matter how hard it will be. You will be thankful later. This holiday season my family is not going to a family member's home because of stepping-on issues. It really is sad. I am sorry to hear you are so torn. :(
  • If that's really true, then, I'm wondering why you don't seem offended that he is asking for an invitation in the first place. That implies that he either isn't aware of the misery he has caused you or that he doesn't think it was a big deal. There are times to be understanding and there are times not to be. You should let him sit at home. And, you shouldn't at all feel bad about it.
  • Like Ronaldus said before me, I can't really judge without more details. However, I think it's a time of thanksgiving and forgiveness. Having him over for one meal will not kill you. I'd be the bigger person and invite him.
  • invite him - its meant to be a time of good will - two wrongs dont make a right!
  • It may sound a little selfish, but you may just need to think of yourself and your feelings and not bother with this person. The chances are that they will cause you more misery when they visit. Remember its your life not theirs. Perhaps there is a reason that person will be alone throughout the holidays??? If its somebody you truely care about, find out if they have acknowledged the misery they caused you and if they are sorry, then you can decide whether they are worth your time and effort.
  • QUESTION: The person responsible for the misery of my entire childhood and a good portion of my adult life is fishing for an invitation to my home for the holidays...what do I do?? If I do not invite him he will sit alone at home. I feel so torn! ANSWER: First, has the person "changed". Is the person now nice or better and polite and treats people well? If this is the case and you are comfortable with him in your home, then invite him and tell him that you will only be home for a certain period of time. For example, you can say, come on over but we need to leave at seven pm (or whatever time you like). This gives you an out when you want to have the meeting ended. Second, if the person is the same miserable person that he was in the past, then do not meet with him in your home. If you want to meet with him then go somewhere else and meet him at a fast food restaurant. That is neutral ground and safer, emotionally and physically for you. Then go home alone at the end of the meeting. If your gut instinct is telling you that you should not meet him at all, then go with your gut instinct first. Do what you want to do for your own holidays. Go out or stay home and have a wonderful time. For that person, you can call them, or email them or send them flowers or a Western Union holiday gram. That will do something for that person, and that will do something for you. Never feel responsible for an abuser's aloneness. The reason they are alone is not due to you, but due to their past and or their present reactions, abuses and everything related to that. You are not and never were responsible for this person's aloneness. Go have a great holiday! Choose for yourself. Take no one's advice here on how to react on your own holidays. Remember this is your life, your day and your own holiday. YOU are the only one that can make the right choice for yourself in this question. Read all the answers, but choose for yourself what your actions will be. Peace.
  • this is the kind of question you should be able to answer on your own. Do you really want to see him...think about it.Good luck.
  • The only answer I can give you and this is because I'm in a similar situation.... is do what you need to do for you. My father and I haven't talked for 9 yrs now. And back in February he asked my brother if he could get my phone number or email address.I told my brother the email address was ok and depending on what he had to say we'd see how it went from there. I waited 6 months for and email, finally receiving one on my birthday. The email was fine,light and easy. Which was appropriate for the occasion. The next one pissed me off and hurt my feelings. After all this time he doesn't have a clue. He stated that he was glad that the boys and I were doing well. I don't have "boys". I have one boy age 13 and one girl age 12. I stopped talking to the man when my daughter was about 4. And prior to that I sent him pictures fairly regularly. The fact that he doesn't know anything about his grandkids shouldn't surprise me considering he's never made any attempt to meet them. Still I only allowed my brother to give him my email address because I needed to make sure that if something happened tomorrow and I or He were no longer here., for me did I tell him everything I needed him to know.. And did I give him the oppertunity to say whatever it was beit and appology or what ever to me. Ultimatly it's all about not having any regrets in the end. Don't give him the power to hurt you, don't leave yourself alone with him, he'll be more careful of his words and actions if someone else is around. And remember, you can always kick him right back out. I hope you find peace not just for the holidays but for the rest of your life. I know I struggle with the demons my father created in my daily.
  • Do not invite him, and do not feel guilty about it. Ahh... and have a great christmas!
  • You need to set boundries in your life you remind me of how I use to think. No more sometimes we just need to move on and you cant if you are feeling sorry for those that are not good for you to be around now. There is a time to just say no. And its healthy. After being in recovery for co-dependent relationships I learned alot and I feel so good about where my boundries are. You dont have to be mean but just say you have other plans and its not a good time. You will get more respect from others when you start to do healty things for yourself.
  • Just let him suffer... he did the same to you. Maybe he could only do that because you are so kind hearted that you can't even let such a person spend xmas alone. Think a little more of yourself!
  • Well I believe you need not to worry about this person, your holiday will be better without him, if you feel sorry for him, bake him cookies but dont let him manipulate you anymore
  • I do not see why you are giving this any thought at all! He is trying to manipulate you by making you feel guilty because he has nowhere else to go. My father tried that very same thing on me after my mother died and it did'nt work. Do not feel torn. It is your house not his! You have control now make sure you keep it.
  • i think you shouldt give in to his bullsh!t because its like this... if you kick a dog its never gonna love you because you scarred it so even though your dad might be sayin sorry that doesnt change what he did so my answer is no this is karma coming back on him he hit rock bottom and thats what he get for treating you like sh!t
  • Tough situation - we all want closure in matters like this....I would say go for it. You might be sorry but you probably won't be dissillusioned BUT there is the chance that you may be able to resolve something.... It all depends on how much of a distance you have put between you and the situation of course... I wish oyu well.
  • Don't be torn, Why would you want him to ruin your day. I been thru the same thing. As they say he made his bed he can sleep in it. Listen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eHGNwNVdiRA

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