ANSWERS: 49
  • tell your husband how you feel. if he doesnt like what you have to say, stop the relationship.
  • It is a package deal. He is a father first. If you can't accept his son as a part of your life, even if it means coming in "second", the relationship is futile. This isn't a competition, and you should feel honored if he wants you to be a part of his and his son's lives. I am a step parent to 4 beautiful children, and after 20 years have never regretted placing myself "after" my children.
  • If you can't handle it, it's not the relationship for you. I believe the first answer said it all, I just wanted to back it up. Me personally being a single parent dating a man who is finding it hard to alway's be 2nd, I totally understand what you mean. This does not make you a bad person to always want to be first, but in this case it's not possible. That's why every other weekend, my son goes to his dad's and my man has my full undivided attention. That's how we make it work. You can't always get what you want, but if you talk to him you may get enough of what you need!
  • I've been with a single Dad for 7 years. It is emotionally challanging, I often wonder if it is the right thing but the funny thing is that this "coming second" situation isn't really an issue. I think there may be some cases when we might be put second, but usually when I feel put second it's when I'm grouchy or feeling sorry for myself. I think there are occassions where we feel put second, but if you look at them a different way we're not. For example: If he's being considerate to his ex, he's being a decent human and taking responsibility for his sperm -- and we should all hope for that in a good man. Childcare? Yes they sometimes have immediate needs, being parental is not really my natural disposition but being aunt-like seems to work out. Don't come second, get involved -- I'd rather play with his kid and let him fix my car. Love? If there isn't enough love to go around there's something wrong, love should be an infinate quantity so that noone feels like they aren't getting enough. I think getting over the insecurities of the child bond between him and his ex might be the hardest and is somthing I wrestle with still. She would have prefered to be part of our household. I made it clear that he has a relationship with me, not his ex and both he and I felt he was entitled to a new and loving relationship and we mantained a certain distance from his ex for many years. Perhaps this was 'cold turkey' for his daughter (2 yo) but our philosophy was that it was better for her to be in two distict loving environments that with adult who couldn't act like adults when together. Now his daughter is ten, his ex lives out of town, things have mellowed out, boudaries have been established, shes been overnight at our place once, he's crashed on her couch once. These things can still feel difficult but really it's not that bad. This is the first time I've read these forums and I think the hardline "child comes first" is a bit harsh and it is possible to co-operate, work togeter and make it a win-win situation. If you ever feel jealous, like you are helping your partner raise another woman's child, remember the child is only this other womans child in your mind and his mothers mind. The father is probably hoping that you and his son will one day appreciate each others nice qualities, and think of the perspective of the child, they just love their mom and dad more than anything in the world --just like we did. So the punchline, it can work out, it will be very difficult at times but figure out how and why you feel like you are coming in second and possibly set some boundaries. I don't think you should have to feel that way and I do think that a single dad who wants a meaningful long term relationship with an unattached woman has to be aware of these feelings and work a bit harder just like you will -- sorry dads!
  • I too date a single father who has custody every other weekend. I've yet to meet his daughter (relationship is strong but young)...when his daughter is around she is #1 and I accept that...I also admire, respect, and love that about him. It shows me the kind of father he would be to our children if things progressed in that direction....if she wasn't #1 I would strongly question his integrity as a father. I don't view myself as #2...a child has different needs than those of a partner so think of it like that...you are #1 in the partner court and his son is #1 in the child court. I've also explained that I feel 'left out' and so forth when he has her for the weekend...and asked for him to be aware of that and do a few little extra things to pep me up...it's a team effort to make it work when a child is involved...on both parts. Good luck!!
  • deal with it or keep it moving is my advice. he's a father before anything, you had to know that getting into this relationship. no matter what, his child is always going to be first. i would never put a man before my son and if that was something that he couldn't deal with then i would kick him to the curb in a second. good luck! **kisses**
  • Sometimes in life, you dont always know who you will be falling in love with. But if it is me, I know very well I would not be able to cope with being the 2nd. So I would probably break out of it, as I know myself better. Some people are able to have successful relationships with men who has children from previous partners or marriages. It really depends on you, if you can deal with it or not.I could not if it was me. So move away from that and you will find someone that makes you to be the number 1 without 2nd and 3rds.He will always love his kid. But with time you may find it difficult to cope with his constant attention on the kid.
  • What a great question! I'm a single mom and have also dated single guys who have children. Honestly, I'm very grateful when a man puts his children first because that's what parents should do. It doesn't mean that I was always "2nd", just that the child was a priority and I respected that very much. In fact, I don't think I'd be interested in someone who didn't make his child/ren that first priority in his life. I put my children first (any temper tantrums & attitude issues excluded!) and always will. If a man can't deal with it, he's welcome to walk. I think your s/o can love you and his son (both) very much, and I'm sure he would appreciate your understanding of his responsibility in raising his son. Perhaps since it's only been a few months, he's still being a little protective until he's more sure of where your relationship will go, and how you interact with his son. That's very important if you're going to look at anything long-term.
  • 1. Give it time for all 3 of you to get used to the idea. 2. Be honest with yourself: is this is a deal breaker? if so move on. 3. You are lucky in that he has a great kid.. and he is young enough where some of the issues faced by older kids are not there. Balance it all out and give it time...
  • Stop being so selfish. Of course his son is more important, and you SHOULD come second, because his son is there forever, but you, you may be dropped any second.
  • okay, you sound rediculous,no offense but technically ur jealous of a 3 year old. .... hes not going to stop caring for his child, and if u expect him to, then ur not in love with him if u want him to sacrifice something for you. especially something as significant as his own child
  • If he is any kind of father at all, his child will ALWAYS come first before anything or anybody! If you cannot accept this , you'd best just move on !
  • I understand how you feel. I require a lot of attention too. In this case though, his son came before you, and will always be in first place. If you can't deal with it get out now. If you stay you will only be bitter toward his son in the future, which hurts everyone. (I sucks, but it's true, sorry)
  • I think there is a difference in a father putting the needs of his child first and being neglectful in a relationship... and blaming it on "putting the child first". Just like in a marriage when a child is brought into the world, the two have to work a little harder to make the new arrangement okay for everyone. Both parents have to be more intentional in their actions and showing everyone in the family they care and love them. Children or no children, both men and women, parents single and married, deserve to be in relationships where their emotional needs are being considered. No one persons needs are more important than the other- it is just children are more dependent and impressionable and therefore may require more, more urgently. Im dating a single dad and his son was an asset to the package- I wouldnt be surprised if his dad was jealous of all the attention and love I give his son. One thing we definitely have in common is that we love his son and would do anything for him. Just like a mother who had an unplanned pregnancy, when the child gets here you love it, period. Being in a relationship with my guy and his son has been more fulfilling than any other relationship- and the kicker is, my guy appreciates what I bring to both of their lives- and where the baby's biological mom comes in... well, he knows Im not dealing with any foolishness in that area so he keeps her in line because he doesnt want to jeopardize the happiness and stability we have together, his son included. I guess its all about where your heart is... if you are naturally a humble and less-selfish person, I think its easier for you. If you love children and work for and with them all the time... well lets just say my guy would get the boot from me before his son would! If we get married, I will look at his son as my own in my heart... and if we were to be separated either my law or his death, I would still act as a parent to his son (given it was best for the child)- through their teens, twenties, indefinitely. To be a leader and person another human being looks up to and loves like a mother and child relationship is one of the most beautiful things this world has to offer.
  • what the hell is wrong with people?! what part of DAD dont you understand? how would you have liked it if youre dad treated you second to youre mother or maybe a girlfriend?! his son comes first. before you before the next GF before the one after her SELFISH BITCH
  • For parents kids come first. I'm sure he cares for you a lot though. But if you can't stand being 2nd then maybe you need to find someone else.
  • I am currently in the same position. If you dont think you can handle it move on. dont kid yourself. I am extremely high maintenanced and it was a struggle to make the decision to stay with my man even though his son is a terror and his babies mom is crazy and starts drama. His son should come first when he has him but when its just you two then your first! if you honestly love him you will respect him for being a good father because there arent very many good dads out therethat actually take care of their kids. And if you do decide to stay with your BF right now then make sure you put up limitation to how much you get involved with his son. Make sure your BF doesnt pawn him off on you or ask your opinion on raising his son or ask you to deal with the babies mom, that will just cause more issues that arent needed.
  • Your fiancee and his son are a package deal. You can't have one without the other. You knew he had a son when you got into this situation, so now you have a choice. You can either accept him and his son, or move on. For all of you who state that you require more attention than that, grow up and get over yourself. You aren't number one to anyone but yourself and until you realize this you will never find a satisfactory relationship, or a good man who will put up with you.
  • you should also talk to him about it. tell him how you feel about his son and his relationship with him.
  • You are going to have to find a way to accept it if you want to continue the relationship. Even in couples that meet without children, once they have children the circumstances become the same. The children always come first.
  • Does he have a first wife? You feel second because its not your son. I don't know how religious you are but you love the son ,child through the father. I wish I had the opportunity to rear my child through another woman. She wouldn't be at the bottom of the barrel now.
  • I have to agree with others here. If you can't handle being second then move on before the child gets attached too. It's not fair to anyone. the relationship is definitely a package deal. I don't mean to be so blunt but I have had it happen to me so many times, and it sucks. There doesn't seem to be too many people out there that can handle a pre-made family.
  • If you've only been dating for a few months, and you are already having these apprehensive feelings of always being 2nd, I STRONGLY suggest that you move on before you fall deeper in love. If you don't feel comfortable with coming second, then this relationship is not for you. You need to be with someone who can put you first. Your boyfriend needs someone who is completely comfortable with coming 2nd all the time. I speak from experience. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 4 years because I loved him dearly. He is a single father with full custody of two young children. I cannot even begin to explain how difficult it was to accept that I was always second, and that I would never come first. I had to sacrifice dates, time, attention, privacy, and nearly my sanity. If you are willing to come 2nd for the rest of your life, and sacrifice a lot in the name of "love" then by all means, stay with him. If not, MOVE ON!!!
  • Change your perspective, hes a father, You dont have to feel 2nd you just have to accept he has responsibilties That are a priority...
  • I would strongly recommend to leave. I have been in a relationship with a single dad with a daughter (now 11 y.o.) for 2 years. His daughter was the most respectless girl I have ever encountered, constantly verbally abusing her dad and carrying the poison of her mother. I often had to leave the room -discretely - simply to get some peace as they spent most of the time arguing because she felt free to lash out (physically and emotionally) at her dad whenever she was in a mood. She was jeallous, she wanted her parents to go back together and all my love and patience did NOT win me any browny points. I loved him very much, I loved her very much and kept telling myself that she was misguided and her behaviour would improve once she would feel more secure etc etc. But it never did. Her dad was too guilt-ridden to set proper boundaries to protect our relationship and his dignity and she played him up and down like a piano - which children will do, if allowed. When I got pregnant and wanted to spend the night of the day I found out with him he retreated to his daughter who was staying with friends of his that week. He clearly stated to me that he could not stay with me because 'he was a father'. And that after he had told me for 1 1/2 years how much he wanted children with me. When I miscarried he went on holiday rather than supporting me or sharing the grief etc, because it was all too much for him. A single dad will be (kind of) strong for his kids - either b/c he is responsible, or to beef up his ego - but he will always just be looking for a shoulder to lean on with a new partner to help carry the mess he's created. Unless you feel like a charity 24/7 social worker stay well clear! I definitely will in future.
  • I too date a single father and had problems sometimes feeling neglected or left out in the beginning. After explaining to my bf that I know his daughter is the #1 priority in his life as she should be but that I'm his #1 woman and that he should do his best to make me feel included when the three of us do things together, he totally understood where I was coming from and has done a better job of including me. Of course, I would never expect or ask him to put my needs ahead of his child's but I do expect him to treat me with kindness and respect as his significant other. You just have to understand that parental love is different than the love for a s/o and that parental responsibilities take priority over your needs. This doesn't mean that your need won't be accommodated it just means that you have to wait your turn.
  • Break off this relationship because you will always be second. Find someone without kids -- there are plenty of them. Good luck.
  • If you feel this way now toward his son, it will only get worse. His son will always come first, since he is his blood and not you. If you cannot accept this, please leave now. So many marriages are divorced because of this.
  • I too date a single father and had problems sometimes feeling neglected or left out in the beginning. After explaining to my bf that I know his daughter is the #1 priority in his life as she should be but that I'm his #1 woman and that he should do his best to make me feel included when the three of us do things together, ho totally understood and makes an effort to make me feel more included. I would never expect or ask him to put my needs ahead of his child's but I do expect him to treat me with kindness and respect as his significant other. Just understand that parental love is different that s/o love and that parental responsibilities must come first. This doesn't mean that your needs will not be met it just means that you will have to be patient to have them met after he takes care of the child.
  • well if you going to love this man love his child as well, the kids is not your own yes you will always 2nd. his kid come frist, you just dating him.
  • It's good that you know what you are getting into. Unfortunately, you're right, his son will always come first because he had the child before you came into the picture. Perhaps you would be better off to look for a man without children so you're both on the same page with your priorities.
  • The answer is simple, the child is already in his life so its ether you love them both or not at all. Talk to him about it. I'm sure he doesn't see you as 2nd :)
  • What should you do? Stop being selfish because he will ALWAYS love his son more than you and put him first. You came into his life second. Get over it or find another man.
  • Ask yourself if your love is greater than your pride. If you love is greater, be with him and swallow your pride and be 2nd, if your pride is greater...step out of the relationship before you build trust with the child so he doesn't have to lose another person in his life.
  • I would hold off for a few more months, this way to see if the relationship is going to work out. If it doesn't, there will be more harm than good done in the family. Its entirety up to you. I am telling you what I would do. I would look to see if there are older gentlemen who have no children, maybe let them be your father figure. Them kind of relationship can actually happen and be happy.
  • I dont think thats fair. Its not really a situation of pride but one of what U feel relationships should be & what they shouldnt... personal preference if you will. Anyone of us can live w/o a spouse so that makes romantic relationships unnecessary. We have the option to take them or leave them. If a person is unhappy in the situation they are in & are not bound by law or necessity, they should leave, period. Making a person feel like they have too much pride or are selfish is unfair-- if anyone of U were met with a condition in your relationship that made you unhappy enough, you'd leave too... if you had enough self esteem, that is. I say assess how happy you really are & the likelihood things will get better, from your perspective. If at the end of the day the problem is he loves his child & will deny making you happy to ensure his child's happiness, THAT is not likely to change. Accept that as fact. He's doing what he wants, you do YOU. He wont like it, but he'll understand.
  • Get over it! This man is amazing just for the fact that he is taking on several roles at this point. One day if you are still with this man, you will come first, but for now he has responsibilities. This child is his blood and should come first. How would you feel if he out you first and his 3 yr old son came second? Could you actually have respect for him then?
  • Children should be honored and adored but this attitude that the world should revolve around them is why our society has so many bratty kids that grow up shocked when they realize this delusion is not reality... and why as people grow older, they become more depressed. In any case, your life is just as important as any other person. That child is blessed to have someone let go of their dreams for the sake of their well-being... and that single parent should feel honored that, despite the fact you didnt have sex and produce this child, you may be willing to make sacrifices so they can have two loving parents in their household. Everyone should be grateful to each other because having children and having parents is a mutually beneficial arrangement. Time out for the attitude that the guy and his kids are the prize to be won... having children is a HUGE sacrifice- any woman willing to take on the responsibility of that magnitude of another person should be treated like a queen.
  • are you talking his second priority as his son is his first? or are you talking his sons second mommy because his mother will be his first? if you are jealous of his son then find someone without one and do not have children. while it is more common for a woman to love children more than her husband and for a man to love his wife more than their children... it is not rare... but if you are JEALOUS of parental love then you need to NEVER be involved with someone who has kids or even have them yourself. I am going to be divorced next week and my number one priority in my search for a new wife is that she wants to adopt my son and view him NO DIFFERENT than children from her own womb. once married I will love my wife more than my children but do not expect the same. if she will love our shared children more than me, I am ok with that so long as she loves jacob more than me as well.
  • If you don't want to be second, date someone who has no children, or grown children. Because, as a mother, I can tell you with NO doubt, my children come before EVERYONE!
  • Well - when you truly "love" a person you put yourself last when it comes to them (with anything). If he's all about his kid you should be happy you have a guy that is a good dad. Since the men I know don't even acknowledge their kids half the time. I'm only telling you this from my own experience - I too wasn't all to thrilled when a guy I was into would put me in second place when it came to anyone including his kids but now that I'm older and wiser It's a major PLUS to me. I have a daughter and in no way would I place a boyfriend before her. Sure he and I have our time but she's my daughter and will be here no matter who I'm with. If any guy put you before his son you'd be in for a bad trip and a lot of heartache. Be happy he places his kids above all - It's a compliment that you don't quite see yet.
  • Look for a single guy with no commitments! I can't believe anybody could be so selfish!! Children will always come first whether you like that or not. They are completely dependant upon their parents. If a man put me before his kids he isn't worth it. At least if you can get over how you feel about being second, you'd have seen for yourself that he'll make a brilliant father.
  • Okay, so I'm reading some of the comments left by women in the same situation as culeb3. I'm a single mother raising 3 children. My ex-husband has been dating a woman for about a year who says she's okay with him having kids, but it's obvious that she's not. I think the issue is that single women who don't have kids are used to being in relationships where the attention is all on them. Women need to understand that if you date a man with children, you will NEVER be his number one priority. If you can't handle that then don't bother trying. All you're going to do is end up stressing you and him out. Thankfully, I have been lucky enough to find a man who understands that my children will always come first. Good luck to you women!
  • look you need to learn first do you actually love that man ...because sometimes people get carried away with feelings..maybe its a love of few months or two three years then you shall back out of this relation...but if you think u can last a relation with that man then go for it...treat that kid like it is yours..may be he may hate you now but after constant love and care he will pay back that love to you
  • You have to fall in love with the child as well. That's how I was with my first wife. She had three children and my mind balked at building a relationship with her because of them. Then I got to know them, fell in love with them, and married their mother. : )
  • my father had a girlfriend nd she felt the same way bt my dad made her understand dt i am his daughter nd will always be his daughter so therefore i come first ...me nd her use to argue alot..bt my point is your in a relationship and if you knew he had a kid from the beging thats something you should have thought about...i dont think i can be with somebody who has a kid dt isnt mine so i jus wouldnt talk to them bt dats me...idk my kid would come first before anybody
  • I am sorry to say the least, I have been doing some serious thinking here. People put their kids first. What about God. he should come first because he made mankind. huh. If a single mom with kids wants to be with a man like me. She must put the idea of her kids coming number one. Because in my house, We shall serve the Lord. Not kids.
  • if you really love him you will love his son aswell thats sumthin that he has done for you lettin u in his life
  • thats the problem with dating a single parent. you never come first, their kids do.

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