ANSWERS: 100
  • Did you hear the sad story of the two blood vessels? They loved in vein.....
  • What do you call a redneck family reunion? An orgy...
  • Not really a joke, But some funny laws in Pennsylvania Pennsylvania It is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel. However up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law. You may not sing in the bathtub. Fireworks stores may not sell fireworks to Pennsylvania residents. Ministers are forbidden from performing marriages when either the bride or groom is drunk. Motorized vehicles are not to be sold on Sundays. You may not catch a fish with your hands. You may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth. Dynamite is not to be used to catch fish. Though you do not need a fishing license to fish on your own land, but a hunting license is required to hunt on your own land. All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires. No one is allowed to sleep on a refrigerator.
  • A young couple were in bed and an escaped convict broke into their home. He tied the husbands hands to a bedpost at the foot of the bed. He crawled up on top of the woman and nuzzled against her ear whispering something. The convict then jumped up and ran into the bathroom. While he was gone the husband told his wife "You know this man is a lunatic and probably capable of anything, you must please him, give him whatever he wants and be enthusiatic about it, our lives may depend on it, and I just want you to know I love you". The wife responds " he just told me he is gay, and wanted to know where we keep the personal lubricant, and I love you too dear"
  • Q: How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: We will never know because they scatter when the lights come on.
  • A jamaican fireman comes home from work one day and says to his wife 'Y'know sumptin woman - we have a wonderful new system at de fire station : Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings, we slide down de pole, Bell 3 rings, we jump on de injine and we's ready to go! From now on womon when i say 'Bell 1, i want you to strip naked, when i say 'Bell 2' i want you to jump on de bed, and when i say 'Bell 3' we's gonna make love all tru de night, girl. The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell 1' and his wife stripped naked! then he shouted 'Bell 2' and she jumped on the bed! 'Bell 3' and they started to make love, after a few minutes his wife shouted 'Bell 4!!!' WOMON.... What de hell is Bell 4?? he asked, she replied 'Roll out more hose mon, you aint nowhere near de fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope you like this joke, i was creased up reading it the other day......... no offence intended to jamaican firemen by the way!!
  • Where did the Ancient Egyptians save their money? In the banks of the Nile.
  • Ok. Here's one I know of. There was a guy who died and went to heaven. He noticed that heaven was full of clocks so he asked St. Peter, "what are the clocks for?" and St. Peter answered, "the clocks move everytime a person tells a lie." So the guy looked around and noticed that George Bush's clock was missing. "Where is the president's clock?" He asked. St. Peter replied, "It's in hell. Satan's using it as a ceiling fan."
  • My daughter came to me quite upset, big tears streaming down her face onto the newspaper she held as she read. "Dad, two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq." "I know, honey, but you read about soldiers being killed there everyday. Why are you so upset now?" "Daaad, it's obvious. uhhh, How many are a 'Brazillion'?"
  • A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Finally, a smart blonde joke.
  • Two men were having a drink together in a pub. One of them had his dog with him, and it was sitting on the floor, with it's head between it's legs, licking it's balls. The second guy says to the first "I wish i could do that!" the first guy says "well give him a chocolate drop and he might let you"!
  • A man walks into a bar with a pile of dog crap in his hands and says" hey, look what I almost stepped in."
  • Sex refusal is terrorist aiding. They know who takes virgins in the Heaven.
  • It was Mardi Gras and Boudreaux had been celebrating at the "Bayou Bar" all day and most of the night. The bartender, says "Ain't gonna be no mo' for you tonight, Boudreaux". Boudreaux replies "Oui, I'll be on my way then".Boudreaux spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "What the...." he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Damn!" he says. He looks to the doorway and thinks that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face. "Aaaeeee... Boudreaux " he says"You is some kinda drunk..." He can see his house just a few doors down, and decides to try for it. He crawls down the street and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and looks inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No damn way." But he somehow crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and thinks, "I think I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face again. He says, "Aw,hell. I gots to stop drinkin'," but manages to crawl to the bed and fall in. The next morning, his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Boudreaux. Did you celebrate last night?" Boudreaux says, " Oui,I did . I was sum kinda wasted. But how'd you know?" "The bartender called... Your wheelchair's still at the bar."
  • I don't know any GOOD jokes but i can tell you an old rubbishy joke that you'll know the answer to instantly, Why did the skeleton not go to the ball? 'Why' you ask? Because he had noBODY to go with. Oh i'm Funny (with a capital F that is)
  • This one always makes me feel better about my day, hope it cheers you. :D ~~~~~~~~~ Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
  • Did you hear that Reese died? Oh my god! How? With her spoon (ha ha get it Witherspoon)
  • What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie
  • hellen keller jokes: did you know that hellen had a volcano in her back yard? niether did she! how do you keep her trapped in a room? put doorknobs all over the walls!!
  • Did you here about the girl who went fishing with 5 guys? She came back with a red snapper.
  • Did you hear about the guy who fell into the lens grinder? Yea, he made quite a spectacle of himself.
  • How many bass guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn't matter, the lead guitarist will just steal their light anyway.
  • Why are A's like flowers? Because B's follow them.
  • What do you call a guy that hangs out with 3 musicians? The drummer. How do you know when it's time to get a new drummer? When he says, "hey guys, let's do one of my songs."
  • Why did the blonde walk to the P.O. forty times in one day? Because the computer kept telling her she has mail. ;)
  • Here are some bad ones... (Q) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GIRLFRIEND AND A WIFE? (A) 45 LBS. (Q) WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND? (A) 45 MINUTES. (Q) WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MANS HEART" (A) THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A SHARP KNIFE. (Q) WHAT DO YOU CALL A SMART BLONDE MALE? (A) A GOLDEN RETRIEVER
  • How about a dirty one? The little boy fell in the mud!!!!!!!!!!
  • There are two muffins in an oven. one muffin says,"boy,it's getting hot in here." Then the other one says, "holy crap a talking muffin." and in case that didn't work.... A man walks into a bar and says 'ouch'.
  • A blond woman is reading her Cosmo magazine and finds an article touting the benefits of a milk bath. She decides to do it and when the milkman comes to deliver the morning milk, she asks for 25 gallons. Puzzled, the milkman asks if she meant 2.5 gallons. She affirmed her request of 25 gallons and explained that a milk bath would add ten years to her life. Convinced, the milkman then asked her "Do you want your milk pasteurized?", she replied, "No, just up to my boobs!"
  • What does a hillbilly call a deer with no eyes? -No eye deer! (say it out loud)
  • An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home." "Why?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?' "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."
  • Three blonde friends died together in a car wreck. They found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates with St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was about. The first blonde said, "Easter is a big holiday where we give thanks, have a big feast and eat turkey." "Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in." The second blonde said, "Easter is the holiday that we celebrate Jesus' being born of the virgin and give gifts to each other." "Nooooo," said St. Peter. "You don't get in, either." The third blonde said, "Well, I know what Easter is all about. Easter is a Christian holiday which coincides with the Jewish Passover. After Jesus celebrated Passover with His disciples, He was betrayed by Judas and turned over to the Romans. They crucified Him on a cross. After He died, they buried him in a tomb and put a huge boulder in front of it." "Very good!" said St. Peter. The blonde continued. "Now, every year, the Jews roll the stone away and Jesus comes out. If He sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball." St. Peter fainted!
  • At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' Good question, noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.' 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. 'What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread - wafers.' 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the 'know-it-all' Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?' 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick!
  • A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast. For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion. In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion. "What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief. "Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"
  • Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse 10. Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.) 9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms. 8. Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive. 7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops ... eventually. 6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases. 5. Interesting aromas. 4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting. 3. Admit it, it's a lot easier than med school. 2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends ... at work. 1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.
  • Three men go to a bar every night and order a pint of beer each. After a year one of the men stops coming and the other two each order 1.5 pints each. A year later only one man is coming in and ordering two pints for himself. Curious, the bartender decides to ask the man why he's not ordering three beer, and where the other two men are. The man replies "Well, my first brother died in a car accident, so my other brother and I decided to keep drinking his pint to honor his memory. Shortly after, my brother developed liver issues and cannot drink beer anymore himself. At that point my wife ordered me to quit drinking "all your beer", so i gave up my beer but she never said anything about my brothers beer...
  • Paddy bought two goldfishhe called them 1 and2.Why have you called them 1 and 2 we asked him.He said because if 1 dies ive got 2 left
  • CATHOLIC SCHOOL Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY' Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women #10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22... #9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are on-the-road... #8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times... #7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup... #6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo... #5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space... #4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month .. #3 - A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these grips make me look fat?'... #2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it... ...AND...the #1 reason a gun is favored over a woman.............. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!!!
  • Camoflauge Clothing There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant. "It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out." "That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned. "Get my brown pants."
  • ................:::::::::::::::.............::::::::::::::::::::...........::::::::;...........:::::::::::::::..................:::::::::::::::::::::::::..:::..::..::..........:::::::::::.:.:.:.:.:.;:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::...............:::::: Regards Stevie Wonder
  • Kids have it so easy these days, I-Pods, playstations, XBoxes and the likes. In my day we didn't even have paedophiles, we had to buy our own sweets.
  • Little boy asks his Mum, "Mummy, how come you're White and i'm Black. His Mum replies, "don't even go there son, when i think back to that party, just be glad you don't bark"
  • An Indian child one day approaches the Indian Cheif of her village who's responsible for naming all of the children. She asks him "How do you come up with all of the names for all of the little kids?" He looks at her and says "Well, when they are first born, I look outside and the first thing I see, that's what I name them. For example when I named Running Deer, I looked outside and saw a deer running through the woods. Why do you ask Two Wolves Fucking?" Another naming one. A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head." The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head." The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
  • What time is it when an elephant sit's on your fence? Time to buy a new fence!
  • Why are women so bad at parallel parking? Because men keep telling them that this... |<---------------------->| is 8 inches.
  • Divorced and Drunk A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
  • A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."
  • When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.
  • Lost In Translation... An Asian man walks into a New York Currency Exchange with 2000 yen. He receives $72.00 in American currency. The following week, the same Asian man walks into the same currency exchange. He again exchanges 2000 yen. This time, he receives $66.00 in American currency. The Asian man doesn't understand why he received less money, so he asks the clerk, "Why less money when same 2000 yen" The clerk replies, "Fluctuations." As the Asian man prepares to leave, he turns, looks at the clerk and angrily says, "Fluck you Amelicans, too!"
  • What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick
  • A Simple Test Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Conservative??? Here is a little test that will help you decide. Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Conservative? The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor? Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all is so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Republican's Answer: BANG! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Southern Conservative's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
  • 2 eggs boiling in a pan.1 turns to the other and says look ive got a crack,the other says no point telling me im not even hard yet
  • Little johnny walks into the whore house with a dead ferret,on a lead, being dragged behind him. He walks up to the woman behind a table that serves as a desk and asks "Have you a young lady available?" "Bit young aren't you?" was the reply. "I'm thirteen," johnny returned,"I've been shagging my babysitter for a year and had no complaints,and i can pay." "Ok" said the lady behind the desk,as she motioned to the bevvy of beauties waiting for custom "take your pick." johnny looks around with interest and the turns and asks the one behind the desk "which one has the most STD's? I'll pay double the rate if you've got one available" The woman thinks for a minute before she pushes a bell and, from out back, appears a stunning blonde, dressed in an apron and with soapy hands. "this is Rose," she said, "she's currently under the doctor for gonehrea,thrush and clamidia,but hasn't started her medication yet, is this ok?" Johnny smiled and nodded so Rose took him upstairs. An hour later johnny came down the stairs,grinning from ear to ear, dead ferret in tow and walks up to the desk and pays. "Out of curiosity," the woman asks, "why didn't you want one of our clean girls?" "Well," replies johnny, "it's simple you see.....i'll go home now and i'll shag the babysitter, my dad will shag her in the car when he takes her home later,then he'll come home and shag my mother later tonight. Tomorrow, after my dad's gone to work my mother will let the milkman in, take him upstairs and pay the milk bill in kind by giving him a good shagging, and he's the b!!tard who ran over my ferret!!"
  • SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007 A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand'.
  • The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ' 'Is your daddy home?' he asked. ' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .' Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' ' Y es ..' 'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No ' Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes ,' whispered the child, 'a policeman '. Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy ', whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?' ' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' ' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice. 'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter .' Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME '
  • Here is two. They are both jokes I saw Gilbert Gottfried do one time a few years ago. A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear said to the rabbit "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur??" The rabbit said "No." and the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. A husband hands his wife two aspirin and a glass of water. The wife says "What's this for?? I don't have a headache." And the husband says "Good. Let's fuck."
  • Three couples wanted to join a church. An elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and a newlywed couple. They all meet one day with the pastor of the church. The pastor told them "Our church is very big on self control. So to make sure that you have the character and control that we want in our congregation, before you can join you must not have sex for two weeks." Two weeks later, they all meet back together and the Pastor asked them how it went. The elderly man said "No problem. Nothing changed. We haven't had sex for years anyway." The middle aged man reported "It was difficult at first, but after a while it wasn't that bad." THe pastor asked the newlywed man. " So how did it go?" "You know, " the young man said, shaking his head. "Everything was just fine, until she dropped that can of paint." "Dropped the paint?" the pastor asked. "Yes," the man said "She dropped a can of paint and I was overcome and I had to have her right then and there." The Pastor was appalled. "Young man," He said gravely. "I am sorry but you are not welcome in our church." The young wife blushed. "That is okay. We aren't welcome in Home Depot either."
  • A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all or their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" said a fourth. "I can't even turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," said an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank god we can all still drive."
  • A baby seal walks into a club...
  • 911 Operator: 911, what is your emergency? Hunter: Ah, man! I need some help! My friend and I were out hunting, and he just keeled over dead!!! What do I do? 911 Operator: Sir, I need you to calm down, okay? Hunter: *deep breath* okay. 911 Operator: An ambulance is on its way, but before we do anything else, we need to be sure that your friend is actually dead. Alright sir? Hunter: Okay. *Pause* 911 Operator: Sir? Are you still there? *Click, BANG!* Hunter: Okay, now what?
  • not a joke but true story, met a girl in the pub,then took her home for coffee,ended up in bed. Just about to get in when she says shes uncomfortable so i get off, she unscrews an arm off:) so i get back on,just about in again she says the same thing i get off, she unscrews a leg off:) was reall y up for it still, so i got back on again,same thing nearly there when she says it again, i get off (getting frustrated now) & she unscrews both boobs off:), that was too much for me so i got dressed & ran downstairs. she hopped to the top of the stairs & shouted "hey dont you want no pussy then" "yeh" i said "throw it down here ill take it home with me :) honest:)
  • WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off. ' Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like shit.'
  • irishman, englishman, scotsman, got captured by the indians,chief looks at englishman & tugs at his skin. chief say "he make mighty fine canoe" so englishman gets dragged off & gets skinned chief goes to scotsman does the same & says "he make mighty fine canoe " & he gets dragged off to. chief goes to irishman but before he knew it the irishman had untied his hands & grabbed for the chiefs knife, he then starts stabbing himself saying, "youre not makin a bloody canoe out of me" this joke is by no means intended in any prejudicial way
  • This is my favorite joke: Two women were having coffee and the lady of the house receives flowers from her husband by delivery. She says "Oh great." Her friend is surprised and asks "Don't you like getting flowers?" She sighs "Yes but now I have to spend the evening with my legs in the air?" Perplexed, her friend enquires "Why, don't you have a vase?"
  • ok ive got atleast 2... So 3 guys go up north to go skiing for the weekend. Hotel manager: we only have 1 room left with a king size bed.. Guys: whatever we dont care were gonna be out the whole weekend So the guys go upstairs and lay down for the night. the next morning they wake up... guy on the left side of the bed: man i had the most amazing dream last night... i was getting head from this amazingly hot woman... guy on the right: no way!!! seriosuly?!?! me too!!! Guy in the middle: ... man you guys are crazy, i had a dream i was skiing!!! (you might have to know about skiing to get that one... lol) ok second joke.... Did you guys hear about the house in mexico that got destroyed?... Thousands of people died ;) lol
  • There was this man riding in a plane. he took a bite of an apple and thought it was to sweet so he threw it out the window. Next he took a bite of a lemon and thought it was to sour so he threw that out the window. Next he took a bite of a granade and thought it was to crunchy so he threw that out the window. The plane lands and he steps out and goes for a walk. He notices this little girl crying and runs over to her and asks why she is crying. She responds and apple fell from the sky and killed my kitty. The man keeps walkin and notices a little boy crying so he asks him why. He responds a lemon fell and killed my puppy. He continues walking and sees a blond woman laughing her ass off. He asks her why she is laughing so much. She turns to the man and says, I farted and a building blew up!
  • A man rushed into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examined the dog's still, limp body and sadly informed the man that the dog was dead. Saddened at the loss of his best friend, the man asked the doctor if he could please try one last time to revive the dog. The doctor stepped into his other room and returned with a cat in a wire cage. He set the cage on the examining table and opened the sliding door. The cat got up, stretched, stepped out of the cage and slowly walked around the dog from head to tail sniffing the body. When it was finished, it looked up at the veterinarian with a meow, walked back into the cage and went back to sleep. The vet looked at the man and said in his best bedside manner, "I'm sorry, but there is nothing I can do." Resigned, the man signed and said, "Thanks for trying. How much do I owe you?" "Three-hundred fifty dollars," the doctor replied. "Thr... thr... three-hundred fif-fif-fifty bucks to tell me my dog is dead!" the man stammered. "Well, it was only $50 for the office visit. The other $300 is for the CAT scan." A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?" Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel! : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted. AND MY FAVORITE A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!"
  • This links to my best joke. :)
  • Q: What is the worst thing a mother could ever say to her son? A: I should have swallowed when I had the chance.
  • A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looked for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
  • I have a pic of Eddie Murphy in my wallet.
  • why do mexicans cross the border in two's??? -because it says "no TRESpassing". The Magic Mirror Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie then with a “POOF” you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." “POOF” The mirror swallows her. Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think. . . ." “POOF” i almost forgot this one.... There are 3 guys who have been sentenced to death by shooting. The 3 guys are against the wall in this place and the 3 guards who are supposed to shoot them are getting ready to fire. Just as they're about to fire and kill the 3 guys one of them points into the air behind the guards and yells, "Flood!" and the 3 guards turn around and look away to see nothing there. The guy who shouted flood runs away and escapes. The guards once again prepare to shoot the remaining 2 guys. Just as they're about to fire the second guy points into the air behind the guards and shouts, "Tornado!" so the guards turn around and look away to see nothing there. The guy who shouted tornado runs away and escapes. The guards once again prepare to shoot the remaining guy who's been sentenced to death. This guy starts thinking that since yelling flood worked and yelling tornado worked for the other guys he should try doing it. So right as the guards are about to shoot he points into the air and shouts as loud as he can, "Fire!"
  • hi,theres this irish young girl with a bad skin condition,her doctor told her to take a bath every day in 6 gallons of milk,so she went to the dairy fam down the road from her home and asked the farmer that she needed 6 gallons of milk to help her skin clear up,the farmer said to this lovely young gal- past-ur-eized? no said the lady,a little up to me boobies is alright.
  • A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
  • Euro-English Instead of German The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.
  • KNOCK KNOCK who's there? AMOS amos who? A-MOSQUITO-BIT-ME
  • A man comes home from the doctors and his wife asks how he went. "Ohh pretty well" said the man. "He gave me these suppositories but i need some help to insert them. A few hours later the guy asked his wife for help. "ok drop your pants and bend over then bench" says the wife. The husband does what he has been told and braces himself. Just as his wife starts instering the small pill the husband lets out a blood curdling screem. "Did i hurt you?" ask the wife. "No" answers the husband, "I just realised that when the doctor was doing that he had a hand on each shoulder"
  • An old priest who for years had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital, lay dying in the hospital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Barack Obama and Joe Biden before I die," he whispered. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse, and she respectfully forwarded the request to the DNC and waited for a response. Surprisingly, soon the word arrived. Obama and Biden would be delighted to visit the priest. As they made their way to the hospital, Obama commented to Biden, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but the media coverage will certainly help our images." Biden couldn't help but agree. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Biden's hand in his right hand and Obama's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the ancient cleric's face. Finally Biden spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" Taking a deep breath, the old priest painfully replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior." "Amen," said Obama. "Amen," said Biden. The old priest continued, "He died between two lying thieves and I would like to do the same."
  • What do you call a Homosexual Dinosaur? A MegaSoreAss
  • The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's. "May I help you?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "no one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked the man replied, "South Carolina." "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina." "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance." The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain: 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer
  • Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "A hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." "Is that so! How?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
  • One day a shavetail lieutenant came into the PX and asked the supply sergeant for a box of facial tissues for his bad cold. When the sarge handed the box over to the LT the officer gratefully exclaimed "Thanks. I'll think of you every time I blow my nose!" When the LT had gone, the sergeant turned to a nearby private and said "I'm just happy it wasn't toilet paper he wanted!"
  • When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why. My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." KNOCK KNCOK WHOS THERE BABY BLUE BABY BLUE WHO Micheal Jackson
  • There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got
  • Okie doke.... A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, an arsonist, a murderer and a necrophile are all sat in a room on a lazy Sunday afternoon, and they're all a bit bored. After a while, the zoophile says: Zoophile: "Hey guys, let's go have sex with a cat." Sadist: "Nah, that doesn't sound fun. Tell you what, lets find a cat, torture it and then have sex with it." Arsonist: "Yeah, then we can set fire to it, too." Murderer: "Yeah, then we can kill it." Necrophile: "Yeah, then we can have sex with it again!" There was a short pause and the masochist piped up: "MIAOW!"
  • A traveler knocks on a chinese mans house. The chinese man answers and the traveler asks if he can stay the night. The chinese man says of course he can but there is one condition: he cannot sleep with his daughter, otherwise he will receive 3 chinese tortures. The traveler eats dinner and the daughter enters the room to clear the plates and the traveler is star-struck with her beauty. All night he lays tossing and turning thinking about her until he can have it no longer. He runs into her room and they passionately embrace and make love. In the morning the traveler wakes and the daughter is gone and there is a large rock on the man's chest. On the rock is a post-it that says; Chinese torture number one: rock on chest. So he goes to the window and opens it and throws it out. On the ledge outside the window is another note that says chinese torture number two: rock tied to left testicle. So the man jumps out the window to save his testicle and as hes falling he sees a sign in the yard that says chinese torture number three: right testicle tied to bedpost.
  • Three bombers sitting in a tree. One says "Oh! i'll hit that other tree!" tree blows up and squirell comes flying out screaming. Second says "I'll throw mine at the car." Hits the car and person inside honks because of hitting wheel with his head. Third says "I'll throw mine at that old house." Hits the house. the man inside still alive crying after the house blows up. A kid comes and pats him on the back "Whats wrong old man?" The man says, "I farted and my house blew up!"
  • Sunday Morning Sex I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along'
  • A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn’t work. The clerk told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, “Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!” The clerk didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her if he can help. She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special. Once again she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!” The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, “Because I like my breasts grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”
  • what is the best way to see a FLYING SAUCER????? Pinch the Waitress!!!!!!!!!!
  • I got two short ones. A guy walks into a bar and says ouch. What does a fish say when it hits a wall? Dam.
  • Why can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance? Why are there handicapped parking spots in front of ICE SKATING rinks? Why do they have drive-up ATM's with braille writing on them? Why isn't there a mouse flavored cat food? Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections..? Why is abbreviated such a long word? Why do people park their expensive cars outside and keep all their useless crap in the garage? Human Stupidity...
  • An older lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out her license and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!
  • Victoria Beckham Victoria Beckham was being driven around the countryside in her limo. Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the limo hit the cow. Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was alright. 'Is it alright?' asked Victoria Beckham. The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No ma'am, it's dead.' 'Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!' So the driver went off to the nearby farm. A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes scruffy and messed up. 'Oh my god, what happened to you?' Victoria exclaimed. 'Well ma'am,' explained the driver, 'the farmer gave me this bottle of wine, the farmer's wife gave a kiss and their daughter made love to me.' 'Just what the hell did you say to them?' 'I'm Victoria Beckham's driver and I've just killed the cow.
  • Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping. They pitch their tents under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up. "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce." Watson says, "I see millions of stars, and if just a few of those stars have planets it is likely that there are some like Earth, and therefore I deduce there may also be life out there." Holmes replies, "No Watson you idiot, sombody stole our tent!"
  • And a rather lame one: Two cows are in a paddock. One says, "Moo." The other one says, "That's what I was going to say!"
  • Why did they lose so many blacks soldiers in Nam? Because when they were on patrol and they encountered the enemy Sarge would yell out GET DOWN and all of the blacks would stand up and dance!
  • The following may be offensive to Catholics but was intended only as a joke.... At a Catholic Church, the priests were having a dilemma. They had to leave and had no one to oversee the confessions of those coming in later that day. So, in a last ditch effort to hold confessional, the priests decided to allow the most experienced alter boy to act in their place. To help him along, the priests prepared a guide for sins and what consequences that were to be applied. So, the day of confessional arrives. The first parishoner comes into confess. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have had pre-marital sex." The alter boy flips through the guide, looking, "Pre-marital sex, pre-marital sex....Ok!" He then tells the lady that she must say two Hail Mary's and a Rosary as a penance. He forgives the lady, and she is on her way. The second lady enters the confessional. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I committed adultery, cheating on my husband." The alter boy flips through the guide, looking, "Adultery, adultery....Ok!" He then tells the lady that she must say three Hail Mary's and two Rosaries as a penance. He forgives the lady, and she is on her way. A third lady enters the confessional. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I gave a man a blow job." The alter boys flips and flips through his book finding no mention of a blow job anywhere. Confused as to what to do, he asks another alter boy: "What does a priest give for a blow job?" The alter boy replies: "Pop and chips!"

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