ANSWERS: 62
  • How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two..but I have no idea how they get in there. Did you hear about the three blondes that walked in that building over there? I know, at least one of them shoulda seen it.
  • I could but it's just too corny
  • Did ya hear the one about the ceiling? Nah forget it, it's over your head
  • Do you know how to keep Cerberus in suspense?
  • On the cob or free style/
  • Did you hear about the guy who fell into the lens grinder? Yeah, he made quite a spectacle of himself.
  • Why don't giraffes play poker? because there are too many cheetas.
  • A man walked into a restaurant and ordered a club sandwich and a Coke. The waitress said "Oh! You must be a sailor!" How did she know? 'Coz he was wearing a sailor suit.
  • Q: Why don’t oysters give to charity? A: Because they’re shellfish.
  • Why was Cinderella no good at basketball? cause she had a pumpkin for a coach!
  • Here's a fun comic. :) *Click to enlarge.*
  • Do you know how to catch a Polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice. Open a can of peas and place them around the hole. When the bear bends down to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.
  • Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? A: To keep their pants up, of course.
  • What's orange and built Stonehenge? Pumpkin Patch Druids.
  • How do you stop a charging bull? Take away his credit card.
  • 2 guys walk into a bar...the third one ducks
  • What do you call a bumerang that doesn't come back? . A stick.
  • What's green and sits in a corner??? A Bold frog!! sorry
  • Q. What's green and fuzzy with six legs and if it fell out of tree it would kill you? A. A pool table.
  • Knock, knock. Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? You eat your own poo?
  • Q: How much does it cost to buy corn from a pirate? A: A buck an ear!
  • 2 irishmen walk past a bar....
  • Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it." Phone answering machine message "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..." A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more" Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking batter acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. And the classic. my grandad use to say. doctor doctor i've only got 59 seconds to live, wait a minute please
  • Obama's campaign slogan in Iowa: "Yes, we corn!!"
  • where does osama binladen keep his armies? IN HIS SLEEVIES!!!!!!!!! :):):):):):):):):):)
  • Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? Because he had no"body" to go with.
  • Why is the math book so sad? Because it has so many problems. (Courtesy of The Sarah Connor Chronicles)
  • How did Hitler tie his shoes? With little Nazi's.
  • Know what to do when you see a spaceman? You park, man. (Chong voice at the onset helps w/ delivery)
  • Knock knock...
  • A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
  • Three tomatos were walking down the street, suddenly the first tomato shouted look out a truck, POOP POOP POOP!
  • Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
  • knock knock whos there banana bananna who knnock knock whos there orange orange ya glad i didnt say bananna???
  • Yes, I could
  • what do you call three blondes in the freezer? frosted flakes a blind guy with his guidence dog walks into a store. the man lifts the dog above his head and starts swinging it around by the leash. a worker comes up to the man and asks if everything is fine and he says "yup, im just looking around" hahaha lol...
  • y didnt the chicken x da roaD? he was chicken!
  • Q. Why did the Chicken cross the road? A. To get too the other side!
  • what did the grape do when the elephant stepped on it? it made a little wine...
  • as you wish... "A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
  • Johnny was talking to his Grandma. He said, "Grandma, make a sound like a frog!". Grandma was really busy and didn't answer. Johnny again said, "GRANDMA, please make a sound like a frog." Grandma got a phone call and didn't answer. Johnny was persistent ... "GRANDMA, PLEASE MAKE A SOUND LIKE A FROG". Grandma finally said, "Johnny why on earth do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" Johnny said, "Because Mom and Dad said when you croak, we can go to Disney World!"
  • Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? To make up for his crappy summer!
  • Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A. "Where's me tractor?"
  • ok, this is a good one!!! This Irish lady won the Irish sweepstakes and the presenter asked her what she wanted to do with it. In her Irish accent she said, "Well I've always wanted to take me a bath like the rich folk do." So she called out to the milk store and asked for a bathtub full of milk to be delivered to her house. The man on the other end of the phone asked, "Would you like this milk pasteurized?" to which she replies, "No thanks, up to me tits will be fine!"
  • Where does a pirate keep his bucaneers? Under his bucan hat
  • One Turkey said to another Turkey,"you know what Jim" "Whats that Burt", said the other Turkey? "I aint half looking forward too Christmas!" lol
  • What animal can jump higher than a house? Answer; Any animal can jump higher than a house. Houses can't jump.
  • An Irishman with a balaklava and a shotgun walks into a bank to rob it. He says to the cashier,"Put all the money in this bag?" The women cashier busts out laughing. "What are you laughing at says Paddy?" "Your Irish", she replied "How do you know that?" says Paddy looking puzzled. "Because youve sawn the wrong end off the shotgun"!
  • There were two sausages in a pan. One said "It's getting hot in here" and the otherone said "Look, a talking sausage!"
  • Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan!
  • What do call a chicken crossing the road. ---------------Poultry in motion.
  • A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
  • I just heard this one yesterday... a:How do you fix a broken pizza pie?
  • I just heard this one yesterday. Q: How do you fix a broken pizza pie? A: With tomato paste. :-)
  • Q. What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup? A. Anyone can roast beef.
  • A boy asked his mother for a bike. She said all things come with prayer. So that night he prayed for a bike. The next day he ran down stairs but alas no bike. That day he asked his mother again for a bike and again she said all things come with prayer. So that night he pray harder than he had ever prayed. In the morning he ran down stairs and again no bike. That night he sneaked out to the yard and took the statue of the Virgin Mary and brought it up to his room. He proceeded to wrap the statue in duct tape and rope and chains and he got down on his knees and began to pray. He said, "Dear God if you ever want to see your mother again ....."
  • Q. Why did the Lettuce go out with the mushroom? A. Because she heard he was a fungi.
  • Why do people always say, "Who's there?", when the person who said "Knock-knock?"--is sitting right there?
  • Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's foot.
  • I walk into the living room with the ballgame on and ask, whose ahead? Dad replies "lettuce" (true story)
  • What did one ear of corn say to the other ear of corn? Don't look now but I think someone is stalking us.
  • the chicken crossed the road. another chicken was there waiting.

Copyright 2018, Wired Ivy, LLC

Answerbag | Terms of Service | Privacy Policy