ANSWERS: 35
  • Speaking with all seriousness, if you really love this person, you must accept and bond with the daughter. This child is part of this person and forever will be. I'm sure they love their daughter just as much as your parents love you.
  • This is something you should really take on as a project, and recognize your own responsibility in the matter. The jealousy is YOUR problem, not theirs. It's not that you're a bad person, I'm sure you're just like the rest of us: you have strengths and weaknesses, etc. But this kind of jealousy is poison to a relationship, and if it continues it may well kill your marriage. Jealousy is about insecurity: when we aren't confident of our value, aren't sure that we're loved (and lovable), we become jealous of the attention of others -- clinging to their attention, wanting it all for ourselves. The attention of your husband makes you feel more "real" -- more wanted, more loved. But when he directs it elsewhere, there's trouble. In order to make progress on this issue, you need to do all of the following: a) Acknowledge that it's YOUR problem and not theirs; b) Recognize that it's rooted in your own insecurity and feelings about not being OK on your own; c) Work on your own insecurities: locate the hidden beliefs, conditioning, and attitudes which have you feel insecure; d) Restrain yourself during the process -- keep trying to avoid reacting to your jealous thoughts. You can have those thoughts and feelings, and be aware of them, without ACTING on them. In time, if you're diligent about uprooting the source of your self-doubt, this problem can become much less severe. The alternatives are not pretty, so I advise exerting steady effort.
  • You need to think of this in a different light. If your husband was not attentive to his daughter, that would indicate that he is not a loving and responsible man. That quality alone is very admirable. Was there ever a time when you saw him interacting with his daughter and found it touching or appealing? Did it have any bearing on your attraction to him? The relationship between a father and daughter and a wife and a husband are completely different. You each have a place in his life. If you are having jealousy issues then you may suffer from a lack of self esteem. This is something you need to address ASAP. You may need counseling. I am not talking about family counseling, but individual counseling. Ultimately your relationship with him will fail unless you take action to understand why you are having these feelings. It will fester like a bad pimple. This isn't a competition for affection. I, as a parent, would choose my child over any mate if I had to choose. And it is my belief that most parents would. You need to keep this in mind.
  • Your marriage is doomed if you make him choose and that is basically what you are asking. Accept that he is going to be connected to his daughter for life. You can be replaced however. I suggest you seek out a good therapist to deal with your jealousy. If your husband will attend therapy with you, fine. If not, go on your own. The sooner, the better.
  • How old is the daughter?
  • Take it from me. I am 21 years old and My dad got remarried when I was nine. My Step Mother has the same problem and has never gone away. I have serious damage because of this. My teen years were horrid because my father did not know what to do and they fought alot over me. She would find things to get mad at me about so my dad would think I was the devil or something. I am guessing so it would look like I was causing the problems not her. She even at one point told him she does not feel safe with me in the house and that he needed to takt me to the nut house. (he did) They told him they can not take me becaue I was a NORMAL teenager. I have yet to bring myself to forgive him. For any of it. She made my teen years hell and made my selfesteem really bad because she was always making me feel bad about myself. I mean if my dad is going to chose some female over flesh and blood? I used to cry all the time it was not until I got out of that house that my depression went away it is still not gone but I am doing a whole lot better. She used to say mean things and degrade me in front of friends and tell me I am a whore. I now relize she won my dads affection simply because he is male and she has pussy to give him. Its not right that he sided with her and its still something that happens to this day if I cannot feed myself my dad gives me a couple dollars to eat but tells me not to tell her because he will get in trouble. Its not right I am his daughter and he should be aloud to help me he should not have to walk on eggshells about it just because she is an imature bitch. You on the other hand may not get this bad unless you have kid that you let do and have whatever and let his kid have nothing but hell. YOU HAVE TO STOP. ITS NOT ABOUT YOU. BE AN ADULT. YOUR NOT HURTING YOURSELF YOUR HURTING HER AND SHE DID NOTHING WRONG BY BEING BORN.
  • Time to grow up dear. The bond between a parent and a child will win out over almost every other relationship. Learn to be glad that he has enough love for a family. Kids require more time and attention than grown ups do. It is a fact. If you demand that he choose between you and his daughter, you will loose. He must love you. He married you. So relax and try helping him by being nurturing of the relationship you have.
  • i TO HAVE THIS SAME PROBLEM . MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN MARRIED THREE TIMES AND HAS TWO SETS OF CHILDREN . I GET ON PERFECTLY WELL WITH HIS CHILDREN FROM HIS FIRST MARRIAGE BUT HIS GROWN UP DAUGHTER FROM HIS SECOND MARRIAGE IS A PROBLEM SHE HAS NEVER LIKED ME FROM DAY ONE BUT I REALLY DONT THINK SHE WOULD LIKE ANYONE HER DAD WAS WITH . THIS GIRL HAS A HUSBAND AND 3 KIDS OF HER OWN ITS NOT LIKE SHES 10 AND STRIVING FOR DADS ATTENTION THAT I COULD UNDERSTAND . SHES A GROWN WOMAN BUT MY HUSBAND JUST CANT SEE PAST HER . AT THE BEGINNING I TRIED SO HARD ASKING HER ROUND BUYING THINGS FOR THE KIDS ECT NOW IVE GIVEN UP WE HAVE 7 CHILDREN 3 OF HIS 4 OF MINE ALL OF THEM GROWN UP . I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY SHES NOT NICE BUT IVE NOTICED SHES NOT PARTICULLARY NICE TO ANYONE WHOM HER FATHER IS CLOSE TO . ANYWAY SHES GIVEN ME ENOUGH GRIEF AND SO IVE TOLD MY HUBAND IM NOT INTERESTED NO MORE BUT ITS CAUSING FRICTION BETWEN US . I KNOW HE STILL GOES TO SEE HER TEXTS PHONES EVERY DAY AND ITS HARD FOR ME NOT TO BE INCLUDED IN ONE OF OUR CHILDREN AND GRANCHILDRENS LIFE BUT IF IT KEEPS HER HAPPY NOW SHE GOT DAD TO HERSELF AGAIN ITS A SHAME COZ MY HUSBAND HAS JUST TOLD ME HE CANT TAKE NO MORE AND IS LEAVING ME . I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY HIS OTHER CHILDREN DOENT REALLY GET ALONG WITH THIS GIRL EITHER AND HAVE TOLD ME THAT SHES ALWAYS IGNORED THEM BUT UNFORTUNATLY MY HUSBAND SAYS WE ARE AL WRONG AND TALKING RUBBISH SHES NOT LIKE THAT . I THINK MY HUSBAND SHOULD GROW A BACKBONE AND TELL HER IF SHE CANT ACCEPT US THEN TOUGH SHES NOT A WEE GIRL NO MORE. AFTER ALL I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT SHE WOULD NEVER EVER LEAVE HER HUSBAND FOR THE SAKE OF HER DAD BUT THATS ONLY NATURAL TO ME . I AM SO UNHAPPY BUT IF THATS WHAT MY HUSBAND WANTS THEN HE MUST GO WITH HER . WOE BETIDE THE NEXT WOMAN THAT ENTERS HIS LIFE THOUGH . SO YOU SEE SOMETIMES ITS NOT ALWAYS THE STEP MOTHER THATS IN THE WRONG ITS HARD WITH INTERGRATED FAMILYS AND CAN JUST TAKE THE ONE TO SPOIL IT FOR EVERYONE
  • What you need is counselling. You have to work out how to love this child, not see her as a rival. SHe will always be his daughter, and you cannot expect him NOT to give her attention. I can empathise with you to a point. You love the man. But the daughter is part of the package. Push her away and you push him away.
  • I am going to focus on the one statement that you cannot control yourself. I see that one thing as being the basic issue that needs to be addressed. I see it as not being about her, jealousy, or any other thing. The emotions that you are experiencing are a direct result of the conflict that is in your own feelings. He loves her, you don't - Why! Please seek a counselor who can help you find the way out of this maze.
  • I am a single dad with three adult daughters. Two of them are single. As the others have said, you are making a mistake. I recently dumped a girlfriend of eight years because she was jealous of the things I did for my daughters, even simple things like small gifts. One time, I stopped at the county court house to pick up paperwork for one of my daughters who was getting divorced. It took ten minutes and I did it because my daughter was working and I was off during daytime hours. I heard about it from my girlfriend. I don't understand how she could think that my relationship with my daughters (a good one) would lessen because she had entered my life. To put it simply, I my girlfriend became history. I can replace her; I can't replace my daughters. My daughters really didn't want to see that happen because they want to see me lead a happy life, but I could not tolerate the pressure of what my girlfriend called 'not putting her first'. She was right--she wasn't first.
  • I think people may be being a little hard on you. Jealousy is a nasty feeling, one your not in control of. Take the time to get to know her not as his daughter but as another person. By agreeing to be with this man you agreed to accept her as your own. I had a similar problem with my partners daughter (she was 6 when we met). One weekend, I decided me and her would spend sometime together without him. Taking him out of the equation worked perfectly, we were able to bond without either of us geting jealous of the other. That was 3 years ago and I couldnt imagine my life without my step-daughter now, most of the time me and her gang up on her father!
  • It is dangerous for a woman to ask a man to choose between his daughter and his marriage. I wouldn't want to have a man that didn't pick his kid. Of course, I'm assuming this girl came out of another woman's womb. IF this is the case, you need to learn to love her, for your marriage's sake. Otherwise, the three of you will be miserable.
  • You are jealous of his child? You need to grow up--you are now her step-mother. :(
  • If you really love your husband then you will care more about him and his feelings then you do your own. That is what love is. On a side note, my husband is my son's step father and he is the only father Jacob has known. If he didn't accept him completely it would destroy everything. You need to step up and be a positive role model for that child.
  • yes you are being too selfish. you can control yourself. you may not have th epower to turn feelings offl ike a light switch like I do but with effort you can change how you feel. otherwise leave him because you are not worthy
  • I know exactly how you feel!! I too know what's it's like to have to standby & watch my huband give her more attention than me, speak to her in a nicer way, bend over backwards for her. My advice to anyone about to enter a relationship with a guy who already has kids is - DON'T!!! You'll regret it for the rest of your life. Luckily she doesn't live with us, I only have to tolerate her 1 wknd in 4 & the occasional few hours on a Sunday, but this is still too much. At the moment I'm consoling myself with the fact that she is disappearing off to university in 2 years & I am counting the days. I know how you feel babe. Anytime you want to loose off steam, I'm here.
  • Yes, you are being selfish. He has a responsibility to his kids and living up to that responsibility is not a reflection on your relationship with him - which should be vastly different from a father/child relationship. You knew going in he had kids. Get counseling.
  • This happened between me and my step mom also my dad ended up leaving her because of it. Remember she was and always will be his family. You need to find ways of getting a long with her. Why don’t you take her out for a girl’s day out. Remember he loves you and her both but in different ways .
  • Who is the adult here? It seems you have some security issues and aren't ready for marriage. Get counseling before your marriage is destroyed.
  • i know how you feel i am in a situation like that i love my husband, but it is his daughter which lives with us. what i dont like about her is she dominates him and he fall in her trap all the time. it makes may blood boil.
  • stop being jealous and try being more involved with her so its less her and him and its more all of you if you always think of it as him and her then your never gonna be a real family try showing an interest in her and relating to her
  • jealous of a daughter? thats a losing battle everytime......You have some serious insecurities and need to work on it to have future successful relationships.........
  • If any man told me to choose between him or my kids....I would help him pack regardless of how much love I had for him....you took on the role.....
  • Expecting a parent to choose you over his child is wrong on so many levels. If you're lucky he will choose his daughter, because if he doesn't, he's not much of a man and that leaves you holding an empty bag. Careful what you wish for you, might just get it.
  • You love your husband very much? If you just admitted you cannot accept his daughter, do your husband a favor, and leave him before he wises up and leaves you.
  • sorry but his daughter is his priority...he is torn between you both and you are the adult not his daughter... support him or leave him cause it is not fair on him and neither you.... but do think if it was your daughter leaving with his father would you rather he paid attention to your daughter or to his MRS!!!
  • If you love him as much as you say you do, there should not be a problem in accepting his daughter. If he is a good father to her, that should be a quality you admire in him, not something you would want him to stop doing. This is true especially in a world where unfortunately, fathers sometimes do not take on their role as parents like they should.
  • She is part of him and she is his flesh and blood. When she came into the world he took that responsibility of being a parent to her come what may and that doesn't stop because he is now with you. Unless you have had children yourself you won't completely understand but know that for example: my husband and I understood 11 years ago that the power of love you feel for your children is a love that grows stronger as they grow, you want to protect them, nurture them, see them blossom. It's unconditional love. That love is unconditional, meaning that love you have for them, being a mother and a father will never fade or disappear whereas a relationship between a couple or married couple of so many years can change and they can naturally grow out of each other or not love each other anymore. If you love him, you will take the time to understand this and slowly accept her and maybe learn to see her as a companion or friend. You can learn from her and she from you. If you accept her instead of being jealous of her, your husband will feel that you are giving something more of yourself than you normally would do, instead of working against him. Understand girls need their fathers. She is his father and you are his wife. You both play different roles in his life but are equally as important to him. LEARN TO SHARE and you will reap the rewards and become a better and nicer person for it. I wish you every success.
  • Yes, you are being selfish. She's his daughter. Deal with it. If you don't like her, let him find someone else who is better for him, and move on with your life. Perhaps you shouldn't have married into a family that you didn't like.
  • S0rry t0 say but yes y0u are being very selfish. That is his daughter and there is n0thing that y0u can d0 ab0ut it. Y0u have t0 learn t0 accept her 0r leave him because he will n0t ch00se y0u 0ver his 0wn flesh & bl00d. Ive dated guys with kids & i have accepted that they have kids because they came bef0re 0ur relati0nship. I als0 have kids and I w0uld hate if s0me0ne i was dating didnt like my kids, i w0uld have left them. y0u have t0 accept his daughter 0r be with s0me0ne else. thats that!
  • LIVING IN STEP-FAMILIES: PRE-MARITAL EXPECTATIONS Before any couple "ties the knot" they should talk about what they expect from each other and from their marriage. When the marriage will create a step-family, this is especially important. People considering marriage often have different ideas of what they expect from each other. Discussing expectations prior to taking that big step will help a couple set realistic goals and make realistic commitments to each other. This guide, designed specifically for prospective step-families, will aid you and your children in discussing ideas and making plans for a satisfying family life. Creating a successful step-family environment can have many rewards for its members, but it requires more than love and good intentions. Flexibility, commitment and realistic expectations will all contribute to a successful step-family. Developing realistic expectations involves understanding and accepting the ways a stepfamily structure differs from that of a first-time family. An understanding of these differences will help create a satisfying marital relationship and family life. A remarriage occurs only after a marriage ends, either through death or divorce, and dreams of marrying and living "happily ever after" have been shattered. Because of this, parents and children often must deal with feelings of sadness, anger, hurt and disillusionment. These feelings must be overcome before children and adults can trust and have faith in new relationships. Also, because the parent-child bond originated before the new couple's relationship, stepparents join a family that already has loyalties, traditions, and roles established. Stepparents sometimes feel like outsiders. Children in step-families have had to cope with the partial or complete loss of a parental relationship. There is a biological parent, in memory or in actuality, who is still important to the child, and who will have an influence on the new step-family. Children remember "how my mom did it when she was alive," or that "Dad always lets me stay up late at his house." Because children may spend time in two different households with different rules and expectations, they need to learn how to make smooth transitions. They may experience loyalty conflicts not realizing you can love two people (e.g., father and stepfather) in the same role. They may need to learn how to deal with the differences in values and lifestyles between the two homes. Another structural difference must be considered before forming a step-family. A newly married couple usually has time to get to know one another gradually and make marital adjustments before adding a child with the accompanying new roles and responsibilities of parenthood. With remarriage, one is a new spouse and a parent or step-parent from the start. Because of this added complexity, it is especially important to discuss expectations and make plans for the transitions involved. Such planning has the potential of reducing stress for the couple and their children. Despite the complexities, (and sometimes because of them), a healthy step-family can provide many rewards and satisfactions for step-family members. For adults, remarriage can provide a new opportunity to develop a satisfying intimate relationship. For children who have witnessed the failure of their biological parents' relationship through divorce or have experienced the pain of a parent's death, witnessing their parent's satisfying remarried relationship can renew their faith in close interpersonal relationships. PRE-MARITAL DISCUSSION QUESTIONS Personal Goals and Expectations Jobs Household Arrangements Financial Matters Children Relationships With Others Communication Sexual Expectations UNDERSTANDING YOUR ANSWERS Personal Goals and Expectations Jobs Household Arrangements Financial Matters Children Relationships With Others Communication Sexual Expectations THE CHILDREN References Currier, Cecile (1982). Learning to Step Together : A Course for Step- family Adults, Step-family Association of America, Inc., 28 Allegheny Ave., Suite 1307, Baltimore, MD 21204 Coleman, M. and Ganong, L. (1987). An evaluation of the step-family self-help literature for children and adolescents. Family Relations, 36 (1), 64-65. Mills, David M . (1984). A mode l for step-family development. Family Relations, 33, 365-372 Visher, Emily & Visher, John (198 2). How to Win as a Step-family, new York: December Books Email me at George_McCasland@yahoo.com to receive the full document.
  • compleyely selfish, but not uncommon. leave him before you cause him anymore heartache, you cant win his daughter will ALWAYS be number 1 and if you cant accept that he deserves someone who can. and the fighting is not because of his daughter but because of YOU.
  • grow up. its not a competition and if you have a problem with his girl being number one, go out with someone else.
  • If you "can't help being Jealous." THen you should leave them alone and find a man with no children. It is really messed up of you to be with a man who loves his child... and you hate her for it and therefore make both of their lives miserable just for having you around them. Go away... Leave them alone!

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