• Just had two pieces of cake with wipped cream. Finished the cake. Got to get lost the wife is coming home.
  • lol thank you =)
  • I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline... Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. ;-)
  • LOL thanks! =)
  • Here are some construction workers as bored as you are, but the good news is they found a cool way to relieve themselves! :D
  • One fine day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!"
  • A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, sorry i cant serve you, and the mushroom says why not im a funghi........ (Fun guy)
  • okay here it goes... if there was a fox , a chicken , and seeds on an island, how would u get all the items across safely if you can only bring one thing at a time? example you can not bring the chicken then the seeds because the chicken will eat the seeds etc... =)
  • Okay, so three strings walk into a bar. First piece of string walks up to the bartender and says, "Pint of Fosters please mate." The bartended frowns and says, "No, sorry, we don't serve pieces of string in here." So the first piece of string leaves dejected. Second piece of string thinks that maybe, if he's polite, he'll get a drink. "Excuse me, Mr. Bartender, but please could I just trouble you for one drink? We'll be gone after I promise." The bartender is adamant. "No, I'm sorry, it's company policy, we DO NOT SERVE pieces of string, please get out." The third piece of string sneaks into the toilet, ruffles up his hair a little, and ties himself up. He walks up to the bar. "Pint of Fosters please mate." The bartender glares at him. "Aren't you a piece of string?" The piece of string replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
  • There is no hope for me; no gleam of light To my black path will any comfort lend -- Yet will I meet with smiling face, upright The End. Aleister Crowley
  • this helped cheer me up! :)
  • Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet" "Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!! "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree". "Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget". "Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree". And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. "Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree" "Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?" "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree Ees..... Ees..... Ees..... Ees, a Ham Bush"
  • These are awesome you guys, thanks!
  • WAL MART INTERVIEW Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.. 'That's very good!' replied jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.' 'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.' BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you **and I gave you +3 :)**
  • awesome
  • Bu$h has left the White House.
  • Visit this category:

Copyright 2020, Wired Ivy, LLC

Answerbag | Terms of Service | Privacy Policy