ANSWERS: 27
  • Dump him, you can't change him if you have been with him for 3years and he is still like that.
  • You can't. You should listen to the people in your life who are telling you -- I hope they are telling you -- this guy is too controlling. You will *not* be happy with him in the long term. I'm not saying that this makes him abusive -- and you haven't said enough for anyone to make that judgment -- but a lot of abusers start out exactly this way. Guys like this are a disaster if you hope to have any life of your own. If you want to give up all control to him, that's what his aim is.
  • You can't change this guy. If you don't want to live the rest of your life this way, and worse. Dump him. He is a controller. He will only get worse not better. He doesn't trust you and is showing it. Dump him. You can do better than him!!!
  • You (nor anyone else) will NEVER, EVER get him to change. He's immature and insecure. There are some great places to meet nice people right in your own environment and perhaps if you get out of your "comfort zone" just a bit, a whole new work might open before you. If you go to church, temple or mosque, perhaps there are events for singles. If not go on-line and find-out when and where those social events will occur. If you have one or more hobbies or outside interests such as fishing, hunting, knitting, computers, etc., find a club or group in your area with people who have the same hobbies or interests. At your school, ask about professional organizations, which you can get involved with and participate in as an extra-curricular activity. Whatever your interest, IT'S UP TO YOU TO PARTICIPATE AND BE ACTIVE! Get on committees. Let people know you're alive! Get out of your comfort zone just a little: Find a worthy charity and on a regular, dependable basis - just as though it was a second job - do volunteer work for that charity. "The powers that be" and many caring, loving people - the folks you may be hoping to meet and "rub elbows with" and get to know, are those ladies and gentlemen doing volunteer work at hospitals, nursing homes, worthy charities and causes. When you do volunteer work on a consistent, dependable basis, your ability increases, your horizons expand and meeting that "special someone" AND possibly "climb, up the social ladder" could be greatly shortened and you could be recognized A WHOLE LOT SOONER. Are you bashful or an introvert? Perhaps you could enroll and participate in public speaking courses to help you "turn your flower bud into a live, vibrant, beautiful blossom" or plant! There are wonderful courses! I was reported for SPAM. Otherwise I would tell you which ones they are. Thanks for asking your Q! I enjoyed answering it! VTY, Ron Berue Yes, that is my real last name! Sources: Some personal observations and opinions. "THE University of Hard Knocks" Also known as ("a/k/a") "life's valuable lessons"
  • I chimed in under Candygirl's answer but I think it really needs to be repeated that you can't expect to change anyone. I would venture to say that if he doesn't really trust you he doesn't fully love you. Of course his trust issues could stem from past abuses or betrayal, but those are not your problems to fix. You just have to decide how long you can handle it. I can't say I would have left already, I lasted 8 years in my first marriage and it was a nightmare, but I will encourage you to look out for yourself before you're married to him and stuck in a relationship that only legal action can undo.
  • He will not change. It will only get worse. You should not be with this man. No one deserves to be treated this way.
  • The question is. Why are you still with him? I know a couple who is like that..it doesnt work out.
  • You can't change anyone. We can only change ourselves. And even then it's not always easy. The likelihood of your b/f changing after nearly 3 years seems unlikely. Unless he accepts that he has a problem of being overly possesive and insecure. Does he acknowledge that he has issues in the r/ship? Issues that arise from his own thinking regardless of whatever you'd say or do to reassure him.
  • A couple always settle into a balanced unit. If you want to change him you have to change yourself first. Right now he's like that because he thinks its his right and your methods of protesting don't work on him. I know its a wonderful comfortable feeling to be looking after someone who needs you, who needs you to defend them and heal them and help them grow. The honest and hard truth is, that is just a misplaced maternal instinct. You don't need this kind of reliance on you from him - you'll be an expert at nurturing your babies when they come, but trust me when I say the worst wake up call in the world is sitting in maternity hospital realising you are mother to everybody, all alone, and there's nobody to look after you or even just to share the work and worry; that its been hard work to get there and hard work from there on in. Horrific. Re-channel that strength into realising you are a lioness, built to be the most important person in your kids lives, eventually, and start window shopping for a man that's going to support you 'no matter what', your own personal indestructible hero, not your own permanently wounded soldier. Once you've wrapped your head round that, he'll notice. He might step up to the mark or he might get worse and then leave, but things will change.
  • He is an immature control freak and evidently you must like it being 3 years in the relationship. Mr Bill
  • 10 out of 10 say dump him. what do you need to do in order to dump him? something's slowing you down on this. talk with someone, confidentially, who can objectively discuss this with you.
  • i have seen this like some many ohter have, no one can change some one else. it just wont happen, and when some one is controlling like that more then likey they have insecurities,
  • If you don't leave you will see his controlling behavior get worse and worse...
  • You can't make someone change, they have to do it. It sounds like he is horribly abusive. You should leave before he goes psycho with it.
  • Find out why he is havign insecurities and not trusting you. There might be a past behind it, he might have friends that got cheated on. Try sitting down and addressing the topic with him. It might not work out between you two if the insecurities don't eventually go away, but at least you'll understand why. Mommunication is the most important part of any relationship.
  • You don't get him to change. Behaviors like this are lifelong. Either you tolerate this in the long term or you move on. Rather blunt, I know, but this has been my experience.
  • the only way you can have any hope of changing him is for the next girl. let him know you are leaving him because of his rediculous jealousy. then date around, do not jump into another relationship, he will think you left him for that new guy. going from one steady relationship to another without a date-the-field time in between is how you end up with the same kind of guy.
  • You probably can't get him to change. People only change when they want to change (and even then sometimes they can't change). For him to want to change this behaviour, he'd have to acknowledge that it's wrong. What will it take for him to acknowledge this? I don't know. And even if he does acknowledge it, and wants to change, he'll need professional help. He won't be able to do it on his own, just with your support. How likely is it that all of these factors will occur? My advice is to leave him. I know you don't want to leave him but he is abusing you. This is abuse. This relationship isn't good for either of you. If you are afraid to leave, you'll need to seek outside help. Have a place to go set up before you leave, so you can go there immediately (a friend's place? Preferably, a friend's place he doesn't know of. Or, your parents' place.). You might have to recruit the support of your boss, or even quit, if you think he might pester you at work. You might have to talk to the police about this. Or you might consider a woman's rescue agency. I don't know any names, but Planned Parenthood could probably tell you of some.
  • you can't change people, they can be adjusted but they will never change. otherwise i'd be a much better person and she'd be less depressed.
  • You're going thru this since 3 years and he doesn't trust you yet plus you are not allowed to talk to any guys ? Come on what kind of relationship is that ? Obviously your bf keeps you back from being free. Make something clear with no trust in a relationship there's no reason to continue.
  • You are living in America right? This is an unhealthy relationship and many insecurities from this boyfriend in addition to control issues are why he does this to you. Don't put up with it. You don't deserve it.
  • he's lecturing you? And your in your teens? get rid of him. he's acting like a parental figure and placing boundaries on you. Who does he think he is? He isnt going to change dear. drop the dude. Let him control someone else. He's annoingly insecure.
  • 3 years is a good amount of time. I don't know how old you are (this DOES make a difference) but I'm going to guess you're in your late teens and/or early 20's. With that assumption, men are very overprotective of the things that we care about most; especially if we think we don't deserve those things. You must be REALLY attractive (either that or you're really flirty and he feels vulnerable) to make his insecurity sensors to go off. By 3 years he should have an understanding that you're not going to cheat on him or go to a party and make out with some random guy/girl or go to the bar and take home phone numbers or anything else but it sounds like to me that since he hasn't crossed that bridge of security you either did something to make him not trust you (do ex-boyfriends still call and check up on you to see if you're single yet?) or he has had girlfriends in his past that cheated on him when he wasn't looking and broke his heart (which is not your fault but you'll have to deal with it)... I'm not going to say that you have to break up with him but I am going to say this is going to take time since this is who he is and even though you want him to change it, the fact is you may not be able to. My wife had this problem with me but after 6 months of being together, I got rid of my AOL/AIM account and all of my old email addresses (basically started over) to prove she was the only one for me. Now I don't think that's the solution but sometimes it takes bold choices to help people understand how you feel... How should YOU remedy it? Well I think that if you want to tackle a serious issue then you need to put him in a serious setting. Go for a walk in the park and sit down at the park bench and talk it over until you have it all resolved... If it's freezing like it is here in Michigan right now then take him out to lunch and make it a lunch date to talk it over then - make sure the environment is relaxing and not distracting (no tv's and few people is generally a good idea). Either way you look at it, it's not going to fade away until you try to talk to him about it. Another thing you could do is compromise (that's what couples do you know). Tell him that you'll do something less (or not at all) in exchange for him doing this jealousy thing less (or not at all) and tell him that you'll work towards your goal if he works towards his... You wouldn't be on here looking for answers if you didn't love him and you didn't want to work things out, good luck and try to make the right choice for yourself no matter what you do. Oh and it takes 60 days to build behavior, he's not going to be fixed cold turkey so give him a chance.
  • you cant change him, i would just dump him, hes too controlling
  • i dont think you can change him, you might be better off with some other guy
  • This was asked Sep 4, 2008! Move on already!
  • i doubt youd be able to change him, youd be better off with someone else

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