• We are gathered here today to say a fond farewell to the dead guy as he gets ready to take his final dirt nap.
  • At the mothers funeral I stood up there intending to read the eulogy that one of the office folk wrote for me to read but instead I opened my mouth and out came.."I'm not going to lie, everyone here knows what a heartless evil bitch this woman was, thank you for comming" and then I left :) The looks on the people attendings faces told me that..although none would maybe was not the best thing to say in a eulogy :)
  • ...and who would have ever guessed that this scholar, this master of the spoken word, this brilliant, brilliant man's last words would be 'Hold my beer and watch this.'?
  • "We're going to make this short and sweet. Like his/her life"....
  • How many members of the family they seduced.
  • You are one dead-ass dude and good riddance. :)
  • Anything even remotely true.
  • Well that's twenty dollars I'll never see again.
  • You probably should leave the deceased's affection for his inflatable sheep love doll unmentioned, at any rate.
  • Stop crying, I'm talking here! Wah wah.
  • We are gathered here today, to honour and celebrate the life of ?????? and to mourn their passing in good faith... who was a parent, lover, sibling, and who has left many loved ones and dear friends behind with pain, helplessness, many tears and one goddamn huge bill for this effin' funeral. Also, unpaid taxes which all fall on YOUR heads. *Points solemnly at crowd with one accusing and revelatory, bony death finger.* Jesus said unto his apostles, this bread is my flesh, this wine is my blood, and let us now feast, to like uh...keep the tradition goin' strong yall. By the way, this is some damn expensive wine...ain't nobody leavin' before this collection basket be full. *Vulture like grin.* Got it, biznatches? Now then, a moment of silence for this grubby bastard who did nothing but mooch off the government. Silence I say!! Ingrates.
  • The truth, if it will hurt any of the loved ones! :)
  • I come to bury whatshisname, not to praise him. And may I say in passing that it's a good thing, because, number one, he's starting to stink up the joint, and the sooner we get him in the ground the better, and number two, I just can't think of anything nice to say about him, anyway. Never could. Frankly, I'm glad he's dead. Now, who's got a shovel?
  • It's probably best to leave out all the dastardly deeds of the deceased. At my husband's grandmother's funeral one of her daughter's said the funeral home was really nice and another daughter said "Mom wouldn't be caught dead here". Well that was kind of funny and ironic, she was dead there.
  • "Who can forget good ol' whats-his-name?"
  • I went to my ex-husbands father's funeral and the priest kept calling him Rally instead of Roland and at the end he said I know that we all miss him and hope to see him soon.....WHAT?....I don't think so!!! I had all I could do not to laugh my head off....
  • i think bad mouthing the person is in bad taste. the eulogy is not the time to reveal dark, dirty secrets about a person ~ its shocking and hurtful to the family and other loved ones, who came to celebrate the life of the person and to grieve for their loss. they need consolation, not more grief. they should have beautiful remembrances, not ugly ones. you shouldnt say what a bastard the person was, that they cheated on their spouse, or make a laundry list of their faults, etc. bad picks for background music would probably be either damn...i wish i was your lover... or hit the road jack.
  • Well, at least he/she tried.
  • He over stayed his welcome
  • *Noise of disgust, turns toward corpse*, You call THAT being dead! C'mon you've got too much feeling in it. *random mumblings*, Now when I was in New York!.....

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