ANSWERS: 6
  • Your question doesn't give us much to go on, but from the little I can see it sounds like you have a bit of the "victim syndrome" -- i.e. a tendency to see yourself as a victim of others. This often comes with a thick dose of self-righteousness about one's own sacrifices. I don't think people break the "victim" habit easily -- its kind of addictive. If you actually want the situation to change, you have to first see that you're getting something out of it, that in fact you have a vested interest in keeping the drama going in its present form. Usually people who are playing victim are very resistant to seeing this -- "what are you talking about, they're abusing me, they don't respect me, the problem is them, not me..." and so forth. If you do actually want the situation to change, the solution will involve lots of self-awareness. You'll have to inquire into your own attitude and beliefs to find out what you're getting out of the being-a-victim game. My guess is that there are 2 general rewards that you're reaping: (1) you get to be right and make other people wrong. This is a very powerful incentive in all of us. We want others to line up and agree that yes, indeed, we are honorable and sincere and that its so terrible others fail to appreciate us, etc. (2) You are relieved of responsibility for the quality of this aspect of your life. None of us like that icky feeling that "Oh, my life is my own responsibility, my choices are my own, and the consequences are mine". That puts us "on the hook" for the quality of our lives, and it makes us aware of the risks involved in our choices. Escaping responsibility is a powerful motivator. If we can put the responsibility on others -- blame them for our lives -- we avoid the anxiety that comes from being responsible. People will actually put up with a tremendous amount of suffering in order to be right and avoid anxiety. Its a total myth that humans "just want to be happy".
  • Start taking responsibility for yoursef... and stop bending over backwards for other people. You'll find that people can bend over backwards for themselves just fine if they have too. The first step: Schedule some alone time for yourself tomorrow to take yourself on a picnic to your favorite park. Don't let anybody go with you. Take that time to figure out how to start bending over for yourself by giving yourself more time. You have to learn how to say no... you only have yourself to blame for these conditions. Believe me -- even if you think the world will collapse around you -- you'd be surprised how well it survives when you stop bending over backwards. re: Hubby won't take care of the baby. That excuse is not good enough to hold you back. Take the baby with you -- and go find a children's play area in the park -- there will surely be other mothers there -- and maybe you can make a friend, and have someone to trade babysitting with.
  • "kamensigne: I'll remember that ... when my husband gets to go out, but I have to stay here, and be happy about it." Let me make one suggestion as to how to handle this specific situation. Don't be accusatory toward your husband about his going out. That will put him on the defensive. Approach it in lines more like this. When he comes in after a night out with his buddies, ask him how it went. When he tells you how much he enjoyed it, listen to him and let him know that you are glad that he had a good time. Then tell him that you feel like you need some time out yourself with your girl friends. If he is a reasonable man, then he should see the fairness of the proposal and be willing to let you have some time with your friends without his complaining about it. If he is not reasonable, then you have a bigger problem with him.
  • Stableboy, You offer some insights, but no solution she can actually implement. What kamensigne would like to know is what she can do to get her husband and children to treat her with care and respect, and to stop disgracing her and themselves by dishonoring her. Telling her she is a masochist who likes being punished is not helpful. Do you have a real solution to her problem? mystar
  • Because you are weak and a pushover
  • Look, the truth is, if you act like a doormat then you have no recourse to complain when you are treated like one, They disrespect you because you do nothing to indicate that their treatment of you is unacceptable. Stop playing the victim. You are every bit as accountable for this situation as they are. Stop being a doormat. It really is as simple as that.

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