• What food puts women off sex? Wedding cake.
  • How do you make your girlfriend orgasm? W H O C A R E S !
  • What's the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend and wife? Answer: ---A hooker thinks to herself "Aren't you done yet?" ---A girlfriend thinks to herself "Oh no, are you done already?" ---A wife thinks to herself "Beige.....I think I'll paint the ceiling beige" . . ....:-D...
  • Ma and Pa were sitting on the front veranda in their rocking chairs. Ma says to Pa: "F**k you!". In a bit, Pa says to Ma: "F**k you too!" After a while of rocking and smoking his pipe, Pa says to Ma: "I don't think much of this new fangled "Oral Sex"".
  • I don't know if this qualifies but, it is cute none the less! Little Johnnie's teacher is having a blindfolded tasting contest.She goes through the all the different meats,chiken,beef,pork.As she asks the boys to taste and identify the last meat she sets before them,she notices the boys are a bit confused about what meat it is~ she gives the boys a hint;"It is what mommy calls daddy{dear}~little Johnny jumps up and shouts~"Spit it out boys it's asshole!" :D
  • What's the one thing that a wife can tell her husband that's both a compliment and very bad news? "Your penis is bigger than your brother's!"
  • A Koala bear takes a hooker back to his hotel room, goes down on her, and gives her the time of her life. As soon as she finishes screaming and shuddering, he quietly puts on his hat and coat and heads for the door. The hooker, coming out of her reverie, suddenly realises she hasn't been paid, so she says,"Oh, wait! You forgot to pay me!" The koala, looking perplexed, inquires,"For what?" She says, "Well, I'm a prostitute." The koala says, "So?" The hooker hands the koala a Websters Dictionary from the nightstand and says, "Well, look it up." He does, and reads aloud, "Prostitute, n: a woman who does sexual favors for money" He hands it back, nonplussed, and says, "Here, look up Koala Bear." She does and reads aloud, "Koala Bear, a small, furry, tree-dwelling animal that eats bushes and leaves." ;-)~
  • Wife: Honey, are you hungry? Would you like me to make you breakfast? Husband: No, ever since I started taking this Viagra, I don't seem to have much of an appetite. (later that day) Wife: Dear, are you ready for some lunch, I can make you a sandwich. Husband: No, thank you. This Viagra has really ruined my appetite. (even later that day) Wife: It's dinner time, would you like spaghetti or hamburgers? Husband: I'm still not hungry, but thanks for offering. Wife: Well get the hell off me because I'm f%#@ing STARVING!!!!
  • It's actually part of a stand-up routine... but I nearly DIED when I heard it. "What's the deal with this whole 'make the other person come first' bullsh*t? As far as I can see... I came, I win."
  • My Ex. ;-)
  • My wife. Ha,Ha, I crack myself up.
  • This guy's girlfriend says, I want you to come over tonight meet the parents and afterwards we will do it. It is the guys first time so he goes down to the drugstore and asks the pharmacist all these questions about sex and condoms. finally he decides on some condoms and the pharmacist asks if he wants it in a 3,10, or family pack. Says Family pack cause hes gonna be busy after tonight. Goes to meet parents and at dinner says grace. After 30 min of saying grace his girlfriend reaches over and says "I didn't realize you were so religious" the guy said "I didn't realize your dad was the Pharmacist
  • What's the difference between a microwave and anul sex? One of them doesn't leave your meat brown
  • not really a 'joke' but its funny
  • On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
  • A Doe Deer pulls herself out of the bushes looking bruised sore and tired. she mutters to herself "thats the last time i do that for Five Bucks"
  • Junior goes and gets himself married. After the wedding Ma and Paw run back the house and tie beer cans to the bedsprings to embarrass the new couple. The newlyweds come home and go right upstairs. 30 minutes later Ma and Pa haven't heard a thing. Paw says to Ma. "I better go check, something’s not right" Pa goes upstairs knocks on the door and asks. "Junior whats you two up to?" Junior replies "Were sleepin, Paw" “Sleepin”, Paw says “you aint suppose to be sleepin you get out here right now" Pa takes Junior downstairs and asks "How come you two aint screwin?" Junior says "Screwin? What's that?" Paw says "You don't know what screwin is? Well let me show ya" Then paw says "Ma, assume the position" Ma then strips down, lies on her back and spreads her legs. Pa says "See that hole between her legs, watch this" Then he jumps on and starts goin to town. About this time Junior’s young bride walks down and asks "Junior, what your Ma and Pa doin" "Screwin" he replies Screwin, what's that?" she asks "Let me show you" he says "See that little hole between Pa's legs? Watch this"
  • Woman bumps into man on the streets and says "Hey, I think you're the father of one of my kids" Man: Oh must be that hooker from that wild bachelor party last year. Woman: No, I think your son's in my Math class.
  • Who's This Guy After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation." found at
  • Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.
  • John: Hey Bill do you remember your first BJ?" Bill: "I'll never forget it." John: " Did the guy come in your mouth?"

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