ANSWERS: 100
  • im not trying to be racist but when i heard it, it was funny so a black and white guy go to church one day. and they are worshiping the lord alot and are really meaning it with there heart. so god comes down to earth and said i will answer one of yall question so they ask gad are you white or black. god says i am what i am. so the two men leav in confusion as they dont know what he ment. the white guy says that i think his white. the black guy says i think his black. then the white guy says he cant be black because if he was he would say ""i is what i is"" agian not being racist just saying a harmless joke
  • How about my life......That is DEF Comedy Jam for you...
  • Have you heard about the New Tennis shoes that were recalled? They're called Dikes and they were recalled because their tongues were too long!!! LOL!!! Well I thought it was funny.
  • This one is a little dirty... Little Red Riding Hood is walking thruogh the woods on her way to Grandma's house when she and the Big Bad Wolf cross paths. He says "Red, today I'm going to let you go". Red pulls out a 45mm (gun) and says "No wolfie you're gonna eat me like the book says"
  • Here's a cute one from my profile. I's an old Appalachian joke to the best of my knowledge: "Water Ain't Fit . . ." Back when I was a youngin' I liked to visit my Granny and help her with this and that. One day, Granny Brown sent me to fetch some water from the well for cooking her dinner. As I was dippin' the bucket in, I saw two big, shiny eyes looking back at me. Well, that plumb scared me half to death, and the other half of me just dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to Granny. Of course Granny wanted to know what happened to her bucket and the water. "I can't get no water from that well" I whimpered. "There's a BIG ol' monster down there!" "Don't you mind that," Granny says, "that's just an ol' coon (that's a raccoon for you city folk) that drops in for a drink now and then. He's been doin' it for years now, and he ain't never hurt no one. He's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Granny," I replied tugging at the back of my pants, "if he was scared of me as I was of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
  • yea i do-think we would have to be in the adult section to say them though---smile and enjoy the day
  • I know some cheesy jokes like What do you call a bunch of people on a peice a land. A lot of people. lol
  • What do you get when you put a cow on a rollerecoaster? Milkshakes.
  • Mother comes into the room to wake her son. He says: "I don't want to go to school today mum." "Why not?" she asks "I don't like it. The kids hate me and the teachers pick on me. Give me one reason I should go..." Her answer: "Because you're the principal and you have to be there."
  • I wishI did , I never remember jokes and do not think I have ever told one although I am a good giggler.
  • Let's have a "Who's got the softest punch?" competition.....Do *you* want to go first? :-)
  • A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant. In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. " The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ? "That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... " One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. "Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself." A group of kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo train. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word." Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the sh--!"
  • Yeah, I've got a few zingers I spose.
  • A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face?" A hamburger walks into a bar the bartenders says "We don't serve food here" a grasshopper walks into a bar the bartender says "we have a drink named after you" the grasshopper says "you have a drink called Fred?" two blind men walked into a bar a third one found the door. a 3 legged dog walks into the bar and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
  • (Insert Hillary/Obama/McCain/Romney/whoever else you choose) is elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie," Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the people," Ho! I really don't want to do that. On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says, "Go to the theater." I Love it!
  • Three preachers talking about how they determine what part of the offering is theirs. First guy draws a circle on the ground and says I toss the money up in the air, whatever lands inside the circle is mine, the rest is Gods...second guy says I do the same thing but I use a much smaller circle...the last guy says, I don't use a circle. The other two are kinda startled and look at him in disbelief...and he says I throw the money up in the air and whatever hits the ground is mine, He keeps the rest.
  • A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past. The little lizard looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few puffs. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from he river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Fuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
  • teacher: I can't allow two words in my class. One is 'cool', the other is 'gross'. student: What are the words? Peck peck peck boom (chicken in a minefield) I think this was real and not a joke: Some one wrote on/near their house door "door alarmed" and someone else wrote "window frightened" 'bad command or file name, go stand in the corner' 'press any key to continue and any other key to quit'
  • A blonde was getting on a plane to Melbourne with an economy classed ticket. She walked into the first class area though and sat down. The flight left and a lady came around with drinks and was asking people to view their tickets. She looked at the blonde's ticket and said, "Excuse me, miss, but you are in the wrong place. The economy class is right through there." She gestures to a door. The blonde replies, "Why?" The lady says, "You have an economy ticket." THe blonde says "I'm blonde and i'm beautiful and i'm going to Melbourne in first class." The stewardess asks someone else to get her out of first class. She says the same thing, though, "I'm blonde and im beautiful and im going to Melbourne in first class." So they went to the pilot and the co pilot and ask them about it. The co pilot says "I'll handle it; my wife is a blonde." He walks over to her and whispers in her ear. She leaps out of her seat and grabs her things. "Oh, sorry!" She walks through the door into the economy class. "How'd you do it??" The stewardesses ask. "I told her first class wasn't going to Melbourne!" The co/pilot replied. hahahahahahhaaha. Sorry, i have a strange sense of humour. Eh.
  • Check out www.lyao-online.com for a bunch of them.
  • Did you hear about the man who froze to death at a drive-in cinema? He thought he was watching a film called 'Closed For the Winter'.
  • What is the difference between a lady in the bathtub and a lady in church? The lady in church has hope in her soul. What is the difference in a little girls track meet and a tribe of pygmies? The pygmies are some cunning little runts. What is the difference in an epilectic oyster shucker and a whore with the shits? The oyster shucker shucks in between fits.
  • I don't know if it's okay to answer a question twice or not; but I just had to share this: This is supposed to be a true story. It allegedly just outside of Ironwood, a little town in Michigan's upper peninsula. This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitch- hiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life. He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the swamp and he would surely drown! But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Toivo, der's dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin' it in da rain."
  • OOPS! Duplicate.
  • This is funny as can be. Never knew Sagot had it in him! Watch and laugh!!!
  • I have a dirty one. There were two guys hunting and one of them looked through his scope and said to the other, I can see your wife! and she is with another man! So the 2nd hunter said, "Ive had it with her then, shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts!" Then the 1st hunter said. " ok I can get those both in one shot!". lol Heres another one. There was a man given 24 hours to live so he came home and said to his wife I want to make love to you as much as possible before I die. They made love 3 times straight. At 4:00 in the morning he woke her up and said can we make love one more time? and she said that is easy for you to say you don't have to get up in the morning! +d
  • "An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them. The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice... pigeon-toed." The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell... cross-eyed." The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, lil' baby you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • 3 guys are walking down the street 2 walk into a bar the third guy ducks.
  • I went out side last night to take pictures of the snow and i turned around and the door was locked i had to pound on the door for 10 mintues until my sister heard and let me in.
  • I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. When did you first notice this problem? What problem?
  • Two scarecrows are in a field. One of them says to the other, "Can you smell carrots?" I liked it, anyway! :-)
  • I'm not sure you've heard it or not. Husband and wife quarreled one night and refuse to talk first. The husband just remembered that he had to wake up early next morning so he left a note at the fridge, "Please wake me up at 6.00am". The next day, when the husband awoke, he realized that it's very late, and his wife is nowhere to be seen. Then he saw a note next to the one he wrote yesterday at the fridge, "It's 6.00am, wake up!"
  • This came from a site called storybin.com http://www.storybin.com/builders/builders160.shtml **A Woman's Place** There is a cute story told about the Governor of Texas, then Mark White. Governor White and his wife were driving through the open Texas countryside one day, out for a relaxing drive and talk. The couple happened to be around the area where Mrs. White grew up, and as they pulled into a gas station to fuel up and check out the car, Mark noticed a little nervousness with his wife. He didn't say anything, but when the gas station attendant came out to their car, Mark began to notice what was really going on. Both his wife and the attendant looked surprised to see each other, and they acted with that awkwardness that two people have when they've been close in the past, but weren't anymore. Governor White pretended not to notice this. They finished at the gas station and continued back down the highway. The car fell silent and neither said a word. For a long time they remained silent, and all the while Mrs. White kept looking out the window, staring off out into the distance. Mark was considerate and patient with this silence, and he continued to drive in the silence. But after the silence had gone on for almost an hour, he interrupted, trying to break the silence. "Honey, I couldn't help but notice how you and that gas station attendant looked at each other. You were involved with each other at one point, weren't you," he asked ? "Well, yeah," She responded, quietly. "Well, I guess I know how you feel. You were probably thinking about that and needed some space, right," he continued ? "Yeah," she said again. "I guess you were probably thinking about how different your two lives had become. I guess you were thinking that if you had married him, then you'd be the wife of a gas station attendant now, instead of my wife. Right? " he said "Well, No. Actually, I was thinking that he'd be the governor now."
  • It's not a joke or a story but it is guaranteed to put a smile on your face!!!! Just hilarious. http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCYaw5tGYAs
  • Just that
  • A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. Not knowing what to go as, and wanting to cover his bald head and wooden leg, he writes a letter to a fancy dress hire shop. Two days later, he recieves a parcel in the post containing a pirates outfit and a short note. the note reads- 'Thank you for your letter. Please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The bandana will cover your bald head, and with your wooden leg, you will look the perfect pirate.' The man is incensed they have brought attention to his wooden leg and sends the parcel back to the shop. Two days later, he receives another parcel containing a monks habit and a short note. 'Please accept our apologies for the misunderstanding, and find for half price a monks habit. The long cloak will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will look the perfect monk'. Incandecent with rage at the shop bringing attention to his bald head, the man writes a strongly worded letter with the threat of legal action. Two days later he recieves yet another parcel with a tin of syrup and a short note- 'This one is for free. Pour the syrup over your head, stick the wooden leg up your arse and go as a candy apple'. I heard this one a week ago and I'm still chuckling.
  • Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an inner, reassuring voice that said: 'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go.' But invariably the voice of his conscience would bring him back to reality, whispering............. whispering......................... whispering............................................ 'Dave, you're a vet...'
  • ok, one time little johnny and his grandpa were outside and little johnny said "Grandpa can i borrow tat wrench?" "Can u f**k ur on a*shole?" "No" said johnny "then the answer is no" said grandpa later on little johnny was watching tv eating cookies on the couch and grandpa said "can i have a cookie?" and little johnny said "Can u f**k your own a*shole?" "yes" repiled grandpa "then go f**k yourself cause theese cookies are mine grandma made them for me!"
  • Yes. What do you want to know next?
  • Yes, I know one that you may consider good... What did one boob say to another?? Don't hang so low they'll think were nuts. Hah. Maybe not such a good one.
  • if u put 15 year old gasoline into ur lawnmower u might be a redneck. hahaha.
  • man walks into a bar, he orders a drink and every so often he would look into his pocket and order another drink. the bartender asks him "why do you keep looking into you pocket and ordering more drinks?" the man replies "well there is a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good to me it means its time to go home."
  • Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply. 'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight! ,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from? here.' So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's? naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.' 'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.' The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently. 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here.....'
  • Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies. Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, refused to touch it.
  • KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO.... Alabama Hell Yes, We Have Electricity. Alaska 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona Yes, But It's A Dry Heat. Arkansas Literacy Ain't Everythang. California By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda. Colorado If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother. Connecticut Like Massachusetts , only smaller. Delaware We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water. Florida Ask Us About Our Grand kids And Our Voting Skills. Georgia We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism. Hawaii Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money) Idaho More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good Illinois Please, Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign. We re-elected Rep William Jefferson to Congress Maine We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It Massachusetts Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's And Our Senators Are More Corrupt! Michigan First Line Of Defense >From The Canadians Minnesota 10,000 Lakes... And 10 Zillion Mosquitoes Mississippi Come visit And Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri our Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work Montana Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections! Nebraska Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada Hookers and Poker! New Hampshire Go Away And Leave Us Alone New Jersey You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! New Mexico Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney... And No Right To Self Defense! North Carolina Tobacco Is A Vegetable North Dakota We Really Are One Of The 50 States! Ohio At Least We're Not Michigan Oklahoma Like The Play, But No Singing Oregon Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania Cook With Coal Rhode Island We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet South Dakota Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum . Texas Se Hable Ingles Utah Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont Too liberal for the Kennedys Virginia Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor! West Virginia One Big Happy Family...Really! Wisconsin Come Cut the Cheese! Wyoming Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared; Home of Brokeback Mtn. The District of Columbia The Work-Free Drug Place !
  • There are no new jokes, just recycled old ones.
  • A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past. The little lizard looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few puffs. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says:.............. "Fuuuuck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
  • The Power of Tequila A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a few thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06." The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar. "OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: First - you have to drink that entire liter of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands." "Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a liter of pepper tequila, and then do those other things." "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?" He grabs the liter with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... Silence. Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," he says... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
  • Nope, I just know a lot of old ones. :P
  • At last, god appeared to humans and said: "I have come to assess the situation of my creation. I want men to form two queues - one queue for men who dominated their women, and the other for men who were dominated by their women. Further, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk while the queues are formed" When God came back after a while, the women are gone and there are two queues. The queue for the men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long. In the other queue, there is only one man. God got angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you are not using what you can. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up in the other queue and made me proud. Learn from him!" The men did not give reply. "Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this queue?" The man replied, "I do not know sir! My wife told me to stand here...."
  • A strongman at a fun fare was performing some tricks. Some curious spectators gathered in front of his small stage, applauding and cheering while he performed the usual tricks, tearing telephone books apart, bending nails and he also broke quite a heavy chain. However, the finale was amazing. It involved a live crocodile. He grabbed the croc’s snout, opened it and stuck his head in there. The audience was impressed but then for his 'piece de resistance', again he opened the croc’s snout and he stuck his penis between its teeth... he let go of the snout while holding his penis in there. It did not snap closed even after he hit the croc on its head with his fist. Gently he pulled away and the audience went wild. Triumphantly he turned and asked: “Anyone here that would like to try this?” There was of course silence until, to everyone’s surprise, a dear old lady in the crowd raised her hand: “I am willing to try . . . . but you must promise not to hit me on the head so hard!”
  • Learn Chinese English Phrase / Chinese Translation 1. "That's not right"............... Sum Ting Wong 2. "Are you harboring a fugitive?".. Hu Yu Hai Ding 3. "See me ASAP".................... Kum Hia Nao 4. "There goes Stupid Man".......... Dum Dum Wa King 5. "Small Horse".................... Tai Ni Po Ni 6. "Did you go to the beach?"....... Wai Yu So Tan 7. "I bumped into a coffee table"... Ai Bang Mai Ni 8. "I think you need a face lift"... Chin Tu Fat 9. "It's very dark in here"......... Wao So Dim 10. "I thought you were on a diet".. Wai Yu Mun Ching 11. "This is a tow away zone"....... No Pah King 12. "Our meeting is next week"...... Wai Yu Kum Nao 13. "Staying out of sight!"......... Lei Ying Lo 14. "He's cleaning his automobile".. Wa Shing Ka 15. "Your body odor is offensive"... Yu Stin Ki Pu 16. "Great"......................... Su Pah http://www.bored.com/jokes/
  • THIS GUYS ROBBING A BANK AS HE WALKS OUT THE FRONT DOOR HE REALIZES SHIT WITNESSES HE TURNS TO THE FIRST GUY HE SEE'S AND SAY'S DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK GUY SAY'S YEAH BOOM SHOOT'S HIM IN THE HEAD GOES TO THE NEXT GUY DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK GUY SAY'S NO BUT MY WIFE DID......
  • Why did the turtle cross the road?.....................To show the chicken how its done [;!
  • What do you feed a gay horse? Haaaaaaaaaaaaay! (You have to say it with that certain flair and a flip of the wrist) (Oh please don't bash me for that one! It was so funny to see this really brawly, rugged guy tell it to me and flip his wrist over!)
  • A baby seal walks into a club...
  • A baby seal walks into a club.
  • ok i got one.. kinda long There are 3 guys who like 1 girl, a white guy, black guy and chinese guy. The girl told them that she couldn't decide which one of them she wanted, so they had to pass a test... whichever guy could make her scream in the bedroom would get her as a prize. The white guy (with a lil dick) tried for a couple hours to make her scream, and she just laughed. so he left. The black guy (hung like a horse) went in for a few hours, and she just yawned, so he left. The chinese man went in and after a few minutes, the other 2 hear screaming and the chinese man came out with a huge smile.. the 2 looked at him and asked what asked what he did to make her scream.. he looked at them and said, I chinese, me play dirty trick, me put hot sauce on my dick!!
  • OK, if you say. ha ha
  • Why its not easy being a dick 1. You have one eye you can not see with. 2. A head you can not think with. 3. You hang out with a couple of nuts. 4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole. 5. and your best friend is a pussy.
  • Juan and Ahmal A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, (((say this out loud))) "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
  • An applepie walks into a pub and asks for a plate of chips and a pint. The barmaid answers "sorry, we don't serve food in here"
  • what is 'this' big that has 7 holes in it?.... its snow whites cherry
  • A baby seal walks into a club...
  • A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well. "What's the matter?" he asks. "I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice. "What the hell is anal glaucoma?" "I can't see my ass coming into work today."
  • WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off. ' Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like shit.'
  • A police officer was on patrol one day and pulled over a crowded car for driving much too slowly on a highway. The officer told the driver. "You do know this is a highway right? You can't be going 10 miles per hour!" The driver said, "I'm just obeying the speed limit like the sign said!" He then pointed to a sign. "See? Speed limit is ten!" The officer glanced at the sign and said, "That's the highway number, not the speed limit." He looked at the other passengers. "Why do your passengers look so startled?" "We just got off of Highway 287."
  • A lumberjack new to the job had trouble meeting his quota. He worked as hard as he could, but still he could only chop down two or three trees in a day. His supervisor noticed this, and asked what was wrong. Maybe his chainsaw was broken. The supervisor turned it on, but it was working fine. The lumberjack looked incredibly startled and asked, "What's that noise?"
  • A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him, then gave him a test, which was to clean the floor. After that the HR manager said "You are engaged, give meyour e-mail address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start". The man replied, " I don't have a computer, neither an email" "I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job". The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. The man then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$. The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled and tripled ! day by day. Shortly later, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man became one of the biggest food retailers in the U.S. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to get life insurance. He called an insurance broker, and choose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email. The man replied: "I don't have an email". The broker replied curiously,"you don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?"!! The man thought for a while, and replied: "an office boy at Microsoft! "
  • A barman named Slick Once asked this young chick “Do you want anything from the bar?” “Yes, please!” smiled the blonde, “A double entendre.” So he took her outside to his car.
  • A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.” So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.” 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” . 12)The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,. 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
  • One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her smiled and told... ... ... ... ... ... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... .... "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"
  • A bloke is visiting his cousin up on the farm. While he's there he sees a cute little pig hobbling by on three legs. He asks his cousin about it, "What's with the pig?" His cousin replies, "Ah, that's lil Gil. Gil is a hero of sorts. There was a fire here, not long back, an' Gil was so brave, that he came into the house and dragged me out, unconscious, by my collar. He then went back in and grabbed the wife. Then, while we were on the ground coughin' up smoke, Gil raced off the barn and grabbed a bucket, went down to t'stream and got a pale full, came back and poured it on the flames! Yessir! He kept going back and forth until the fire brigade came, and they say he darn saved the house!" After that, the bloke was amazed, and couldn't believe his ears, "That's a mighty fine pig you've got there!" "Yessir!" "But, what's with the three legs?" "Well, sir, with a pig that good, we couldn't eat him all at once, now could we?"
  • My life:D So far, that's been the biggest one.
  • meh much as you want :D
  • My teacher asked me, "What tense is this sentence? 'I am pretty.'" I said, "Past tense."
  • I know a few:D ;)
  • jokes your asking the delboy if i know any jokes lol a 31 year old lady has been assaulted with a hoover nozzleand left for dead police say although shes in intensive care shes picking up nicely
  • '
  • ok a blonde is driving to the airport and the sign say airport left <- and the blonde turns around and goes home (classic lmao)
  • Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?" Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane. The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader. Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. "This is not what you promised me," said Osama. "Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."
  • Found this one on another site... Do you know what happened back on July 30th 1850; 158 years ago? • California became a state. • The State had no electricity. • The State had no money. • Almost everyone spoke Spanish. • There were gunfights in the streets. So basically, it was just like the California of today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
  • A guy walked into a bar with his pet monkey and ordered a drink. While he was drinking, the monkey jumped all around the place It grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them, then grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. Then the jumped onto the pool table, took one of the billiard balls, stuck it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallowed it whole. The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy said, "No, what?" "He just ate a billiard ball off my pool table... Whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy," he eats everything in sight. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finished his drink, paid his bar bill and paid for the stuff the monkey ate and walked out. Two weeks later, he came into the bar again along with his monkey. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar as before. While the guy was finishing his drink, the monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it. Then the monkey found a peanut. This, too, he stuck up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The bartender was disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asked. "No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it. The same with a peanut!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," said the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.
  • http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=QjsPFDOIp04
  • American cars
  • i know alot of good long ones, but i dont feel writing much, how do u circucise a redneck? kcik his siter in the jaw.
  • I swear an oath on my honor as a hypocrite that ... I will cuss cows but eat beef, blast miners but wear jewelry and drive a car but condemn oil companies. I don't want [any] trees cut for any purpose other than to provide the lumber for my next house. As a Hollywood celebrity I assert my God-given right to sire at least four children by three different wives and then protest about overpopulation in the world. I will put fish first by saving the sucker and salmon, but not the farmers and ranchers who feed me. I demand that politicians and federal judges in Washington DC save all endangered species except the small businessman. I feel government is imminently qualified to micro-manage nature, after all, look what a smashing job they've done with the IRS, EPA, USDA, FBI, BLM and assorted other alphabet agencies. As a self righteous hypocrite it is my duty to celebrate Earth Day with barbecues and parades and by leaving tons of trash behind. I demand that feedlots and farms stop polluting our ground water. That privilege shoud be preserved for me every time I flush the contents of my toilet into a septic tank or the ocean. I want to relocate grizzly bears and wolves to the West but not in my big city backyard. After all, people live here! I give my permission for mountain lions to eat lambs but if a lion eats my dog or cat I demand that the abominable beast be shot on sight. I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of their drilling more wells while sitting in my gas guzzling SUV with the engine running. I will write letters to the editor on my computer castigating utility compnaies for not providing enough electricity. At the same time I will send money to green groups who what to tear down hydroelectric dams and stand in the way of any new power-producing projects. I avow at the next cocktail party I attend -- while smoking a cigarette and sipping a martini -- that I will sue the tobacco companies for causing my lung cancer. Although I have never personally milked a cow or grown vegetables in a garden I demand to have a say on how farmers and ranchers do it. As a pompous hypocrite I demand that water, herbicides, and pesticides be taken away from farmers immediately, but I don't want it to effect the price quantity or quality of the food I buy in the store. It is my strongly held conviction that we should ban all pesticides, except the can of bug spray I use to kill ants and other unwanted bugs in my home. As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite I vow to help stop global warming by watching the Discovery Channel on my giant sized television in my air conditioned house. I assert that cattle pooping on our nation's grasslands is a national disgrace while fertilizing my urban lawn with steer manure and urea is simply good ecology. I will complain about fertilizer runoff from golf courses because I happen to be a golfer. I will hound hunters in the woods because they use guns despite the fact that hunting groups have increased habitat and wildlife numbers. I demand that the government end all timber cutting or recovery in our national forests but I'll cry like a singed coyote if the feds allow wildfires to burn near my house. As a card carrying hypocrite I disavow the use of fur, leather, wool and all animal by-products, except the ones used in medicine that might save my life. I demand that labels be placed on all food products but not on a rock album that endorses killing cops. Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving hypocrite I firmly believe that rural folks have done a terrible job of taking care of the countryside and they must do a better job because that's where I want to live or visit some day when I can escape the pollution, crime, and insanity of the barren big city in which I currently reside.
  • A man comes home from work one day. Tells his wife, "We're going fishing tomorrow with the dog!" Wife replies, "Do we have too?" Husbands says, "You have a choice-Go fishing, Suck my cock or get fucked in the ass!" Wife replies, "I'll suck your cock>" So the wife is giving him a blow job. She suddenly stops and tells her husband, "You cock tastes like shit today!" Husband replies, "Yeah, the dog didn't want to go fishing either!"
  • chuckleeeeee...
  • Wait, I have a few! Chuck Norris doesn't have doors in his house, he walks through the walls. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits...
  • Long back, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, Forgot laughter were called "Saints" But now they are called.. " IT professionals " ------------------------------------------------------- Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's already raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go. ---------------------------------------------------- Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg? O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first. ------------------------------------------------------ Postman: - I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver U This Packet Sardar: - why did U come so far. Instead U could Have posted it.... ----------------------------------------------------- A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce. Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children? Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR ------------------------------------------------------ Sardar's wish: when I die, I wana die like my Grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not Screaming like all d passengers in d car he was Driving.. ----------------------------------------------------- Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing Me. I don't know how she got my no, she interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card" ----------------------------------------------------- A sardar was drawing money from ATM, The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****). " The first sardar replies, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! U R wrong, Its 1258" ------------------------------------------------------- Santa Singh MBBS After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his Own practice. He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch. Finally he said Battery is Ok !!! ------------------------------------------------------
  • there was three bulls liveing on a farm with 50 cows. the farmer decided he was going to buy another bull. the next day the other bulls were talking about the new one that was comeing. the first bull said im not shareing any cows with that new comer half of thems mine anyway. secound bull said your right i got 15 cows of my own and i ant shareing any. the thrird bull said i only have 5 cows that even like me but im not about to share them 5. the next day the bull came. he was the biggest uglyest bull you every lied eyes on. he was running around stomping everwere. first bull said you know what i think ill share with him you know to be nice secound bull yeah your right me too. thrid bull broke through the gate and jumped on the new bulls back fighting with him. first bull said what are you doing that thing could kill you. thrid bull said i whant to make sure he knows im a bull too.
  • An old man gets a ride with a friend to a nearby fish market, where they each order a crate of mackerel. A local fisherman loads their van, and they drive off. Next day the old man cooks some of the fish, and finds it’s cod not mackerel. When he goes round to tell his friend, he sees an ambulance outside the house. “What happened?” he asks. "Food poisoning” whispers his friend. “Whatever you do, don’t eat the mackerel!" As the ambulance drives off, the old man shakes his head and says: “There, but for the crate of cod, go I.”
  • The Gynecologist Visit Those who 'do not�'have a sense of humour need to delete now. A middle-aged woman Seemed sheepish as she Visited her gynecologist. 'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.' 'This one's kind of strange...' 'Let me be the judge of that,' The doctor replied. 'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.' 'I see.' 'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again,� Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!' The gynecologist put a comforting Hand on her shoulder. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Ready for this?) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (I'm warning you.....) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Still not too late....delete now!) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'You're simply going through the change!
  • An Answerbagger was invited to say something negative about Barack Obama, and replied: "Using the latest digital technology . . . it is quite easy . . . to portray . . . President Elect Barack Obama . . . without resorting . . . to the use of . . . (wait for it!) . . . a negative!" (and yes - the answering Answerbagger got flagged :)

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