ANSWERS: 23
  • a guy walks into a bar for his bar exam....
  • Only a lame one, sorry: A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" Bartender says "What? I can't hear you. Speak up!" "May I please have a drink?" "What? You have to speak up!" "Could I please have a drink?" "Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you." "I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."
  • A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can`t bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I`m sorry, here, the first one`s on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can`t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it`s a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can`t bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don`t think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
  • A Frenchman, A Rabbi and a polar bear walk into a bar, and the bar tender says "What is this, some kind of JOKE?".
  • A lightbulb walks into a bar. How many beers would it take for you to screw it?
  • A guy walks into a bar and says ow A mushroom walks into a bar, the bartender says they don't serve his kind.The mushroom replies, "Why not I'm a fun guy".....get it fungi
  • A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says "What'll you have?" The baby seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
  • It's not really a 'walk into a bar' one. but it's a bar joke. Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money. "I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news." "No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"
  • Here is my second one. John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drinking. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so." "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know." The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" The barman replies "Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
  • A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw..."
  • 3 guys walk into a bar... the last one ducked.
  • Ok, in one of the schools that I attended in the Navy, I sat next to two guys, one was nicknamed the Doctor, one was called the Reverend and my nickname was the Canadian. So here's the joke that became associated with us. A doctor, a reverend and a Canadian walk into a bar. They each order a beer and go sit down. Just then, three flies fly into the bar and land on each one of their beers. The doctor looks disgusted and pushes away his beer. "That's just unsanitary!" and he orders himself a new beer. The reverend just smiles, "No, that's not for you my little friend." Waving his hand he shoos the fly away and continues to drink his beer. The Canadian grabs the fly, holds him over his open hand and yells, "Alright, cough it up, eh!"
  • Two guys walk into a bar...you think the second guy would have seen it coming.
  • Actually none, but I have a surprisingly fun chimney sweep song that belongs in a bar :) EDIT:at the request of the questioner under is a rather 'dirty' bar song, younger users may not want to read. The chimneys were dirty at Mrs. McFry's And I'll grant they were worse down at Molly O'Clue's But the chimney sweep said, with a gleam in his eye "I've got a great tool here for cleaning the fluuuuuues! For I may be a tiny chimney sweep With a tiny grimy face But I'm carrying a broom that makes strong girls weep Won't you let me up, up, up your fireplace? * Oohhhhhh, A chimney sweep's job can be boring and dirty, A chimney sweep ain't drawn the best lot in life But who else could manage, without getting flirty, To clean out the smokestack on the mayor's young wife? Who else but the tiny chimney sweep With his tiny grimy face? For he's carrying a broom that makes strong girls weep Won't you let him up, up, up your fireplace? Ooohhhhhhh "My boy," said the mother, "You're smart as a whip, But don't be a lawyer or doctor, my son; Take the job of your father, that worthy young rip, For the chimney sweep's job is a sight more fun!" "For he might ha' been a tiny chimney sweep With a tiny grimy face But he carried a broom that near made me weep So I let him up, up, up me fireplace!" Ohhhhhhh.... I met a young lady in Lower-South-Waine And I asked why the roofs there were covered in grime "Is your chimneysweep ill?" but she laughed and explained "He never cleans chimneys, but his service? Sublime!" "For he may be a tiny chimney sweep With a tiny grimy face But he's carrying a broom that makes the whole town weep So we let him up, up, up the fireplace!" Said the young maiden fair to the chimney sweep bold, "The clogged chimney's making it warm in the room!" But the chimney sweep grinned, showing teeth made of gold, And said "That ain't the clogging, dear, that's just me broom!" "For I may be a tiny chimney sweep With a tiny grimy face But I'm carrying a broom that makes strong girls weep, Won't you let me up, up, up your fireplace?" OooooooOh, Our sweep tied the knot on a fair April day, His wedding, 'tis true, was the best of our lives-- A child nearly drowned when they tossed the bouquet-- There were sixty-nine priests there, and seventy wives! For he might ha' been a tiny chimney sweep With a tiny grimy face But he carried a broom that made all the girls weep, So they let him up, up, up the fireplace! Oooooooh, "I've grown old," sighed the sweep, "and my wits have got loose, I can scarce tell me da from me poor younger brother. But at least for the wife I've got one great excuse, For at my age, I can't tell one bed from another!" "For I may be a tiny chimney sweep With a tiny grimy face But I'm carrying a broom that makes strong girls weep, Won't you let me up, up, up your fireplace?" Oooooooohhhh, 'Twas a tragical day, when our sweep passed away (He fell down a chimney and busted his head) And the ladies of our town all wept with dismay Until walking to the coffin, a blueeyed urchin said: "Since I was a lad, this man trained me to sweep A good man, a kind man, as you'll all agree But I'm telling you now, my dear friends, please don't weep, For his trade will be continued, girls--he left his broom to me!" "For I may be a tiny chimney sweep With a tiny grimy face But I'm carrying a broom that makes strong girls weep, Won't you let me up, up, up your fireplace?" So raise up your glasses, yes, raise high your drinks, I'll buy you a round and we'll drink it down deep Let's have us a toast 'fore we catch forty winks, May we all be as lucky as our little chimney sweep!
  • Rodney Dangerfield does a wonderful job of describing my ex: "I walked into a bar, the bartender asked what I want. I said, 'Surprise me.' So he showed me naked pictures of my wife."
  • A guy walks into a bar and screams: "Drinks for the house. Hey barkeep, pour one for yourself too!" Everyone is happy and singing his praise, because a total stranger just bought a packed house a round. About an hour later, the guy does it again: "Drinks for the house! Don't forget yourself barkeep." Again, everyone rejoices. Another hour goes by, and he does the same thing. This time, the barkeep says "wait a minute, you haven't paid for the other two rounds. Pay up first, then we can do the rest." The guy responds, "Money? Oh I'm broke." The bartender comes across the bar and throws him out. About 20 minutes later the guy comes back in and yells, "Drinks for the house! Not you barkeep, you're a mean drunk."
  • A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. He sees a HUGE jar on the back of the bar, stuffed full of $5 bills. "What's that jar for, sir?" Oh, that's for our standing bar bet. It cost $5 to enter and if you win, you get all the money." "Must be pretty hard. How much money is in there?" "Well, over $5,000 by now. And it is a difficult bet but I can't tell you what the bet consists of until you put your money in." the guy is intrigued and has a couple of shots before giving the bartender $5, and says, "Ok, tell me about this bet." "Well, it's a 3-part bet. First, you see that big motherf#cker over by the pool table? You've gotta knock him out with one punch." The guy looks over a sees a huge man, 300 pounds of pure muscle. "Wow, that's scary. What's the second part?" The bartender points at the back door. "Out back, we've got a rottweiler with an abscess tooth. Every year that tooth gets nastier and nastier, and every year that rottweiler gets meaner and meaner. You've gotta pull out that abscess tooth." "Holy crap! I'm scared to ask what the third part is..." "Well, you see that fat bitch at the end of the bar?" The guy looks down the bar to see a 400 pound, toothless woman. The ugliest woman he's ever seen. "...yeah, I see her..." "You've got to have sex with her and give her an orgasm. And she hasn't had an orgasm in 10 years!" The guy is speechless. As thinks everything over he starts taking shot after shot to build up his liquid courage. Then he jumps up and says, "What's the first part again?" The bartender points at the big guy by the pool table. "The big motherf*cker!" The guy runs over, jumps up and WHAM!!!! Knocks the guy out with one punch. "What's next bartender?" The bartender points at the back door. "Rottweiler!" And the guy runs out the back door. Time goes by and the bartender is starting to get worried. He starts walking toward the back door to make sure the guy isn't dead. Just then, the guy walks through the door, clothes torn to shreds, bleeding all over the place. "Alright, where's that fat bitch with the abscess tooth?"
  • The Drunken Gambler __________ A drunken gambler staggers into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says, "I'll bet ya double or nothin the cost of a drink, that I can bite my right eye." The bartender replies, "OK, you're on." The drunken gambler takes out his false teeth and bites his right eye. The bartender feels stupid as he gives the guy his drink for free. A little while later, the drunken gambler says, "I'll bet ya another double or nothin the cost of a drink that I can lick my left eye." The bartender thinks that it is impossible, so he agrees and again says, "OK, you're on." The drunken gambler takes out his left glass eye, pops it into his mouth, rolls it around with his tongue, then spits it into a bar napkin, wipes it, and puts it back into his left eye socket. The bartender shrugs and gives him another drink. After drinking it, the drunken gambler then declares, "I'll bet ya a million dollars that I can stand on one foot, on top of this bar stool, blindfolded, and psss into a beer bottle without spilling a single drop." The bartender calls everyone over and asks them to ALL be witnesses and asks the drunken gambler to repeat the bet, and then agrees, saying, "OK, you're on, and everyone here is a witness." The drunken gambler puts on the blindfold, climbs to a standing position on the bar stool, lifts one leg, and starts to psss all over the bar, down his own leg, and even pssses a little in the bartender's face. Everyone just starts to laugh, even the bartender is laughing as he declares, "Ha Ha, you owe me a million dollars!" The drunken gambler replies, "No problem, ya see those ten guys looking in the window? They are from the bar down the street, where I bet each of them a million dollars, for a total of ten million dollars, that I could come in here, you would give free drinks, and when I psssed in your face all you would do is laugh!!!"
  • A kangaroo walks into a bar with a banana sticking out of his ear: The bartender says: "We don't serve kangaroos in here." The kangaroo answers: "I can't hear you there's a banana stuck in my ear." ( An old vaudeville joke)
  • Bloke walks into a bar and says to the landlord "can I use the toilet" "sure" says the landlord. "Its just I have to take salts"the bloke says "no problem"says the landlord. The bloke goes to the toilet then stays for a beer. About half hour later another bloke goes to the toilet.He comes out gagging with a hankey over his nose. "Everything alright Sir?"says the landlord No! your loos are rank,shit on the wall,shit on the ceiling and shit on the floor!"says the bloke. The landlord sees the first bloke sitting there and asks him if the loos were ok when he visited them. "sure"he says "well what were those salts you took?"says the landlord "SUMMERSALTS"he says.
  • A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves. Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender. "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"
  • OK - this has always been my favorite. Most people don't get the humor. But, I'll post it anyway. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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