ANSWERS: 41
  • You can go to jokes.com for lots of jokes on a great variety of subjects.
  • alright, alright. you like blonde jokes? well they're my favorite! nothing against blondes, infact im partly blonde too! a blonde decided to go for a holiday overseas. she hopped on a plane and sat down for the flight. about 30mins into the flight, the pilot said over the intercom: 'im sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but one of our 4 engines has exploded. the flight will take just a while longer. thankyou for you co operation.' a while later, the pilot said again:'im sorry everyone, but our 2nd engine has gone. the flight will just take abit longer.' not long after, the pilot said again: 'sorry ladies and gentlemen, our 3rd engine has gone. the flight will be delayed even longer.' then the blonde turned to the person next to her, and asked: 'if all 4 of the engines explode, will we be up here for ever?' ha ha ah ah!!
  • What's the difference between purple and pink? the grip.
  • How was copper wire invented? A: Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny.
  • I work for the state (NC) and here's one we passed around: A Dog Named "Coffee Break" An engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a state worker were discussing how smart their dogs were. The engineer said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named "Slide Rule". He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog "Measure" was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the state employee and said, "What can your dog do?". The state employee called his dog whose name was "Coffee Break" and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, mated with the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen's Compensation and left for home on sick leave.
  • There are funny ones?
  • I have a hilarious one: There was a blonde and she was travelling to Melbourne on a plane. She was sitting in first class although she held an economy class ticket. A lady came around inspecting tickets. She looked at the blonde's ticket and said to her, "Excuse me, miss, you're in the wrong class. You have an economy class ticket." The blonde sat in her seat stubbornly and said "I'm blonde and i'm beautiful and i'm going to Melbourne in first class." The lady groaned, then went off to another stewardess. The other one came over and asked the blonde to move, but she said the same thing, "I'm blonde and i'm beautiful and i'm going to Melbourne in first class." The stewardesses asked someone else to try, but everyone got the same results. Finally they went to the wingpit (is that right??) and told the pilots. The copilot leaped up and said, "I've got a blonde wife at home," walked into First Class and whispered something in the blonde's ear. The blonde hopped out of her seat and said "Oh! I'm sorry!" She hurried into Economy Class. "How'd ya do it?" The stewardesses asked, their eyes wide. "I just told her first class wasn't going to Melbourne," He replied.
  • Hear is one I like a lot: helps with an irish accent A man walks into a bar. He's all bandaged up and limping. The bartender asks him: "Sean, you look terrible, what happened to you? Sean: "I got into a fight with Patrick" Bartender: "O'Reilly? That little pipsqueek, he must had something in hand." Sean: "That he did, that he did, a shovel it was and a fine beating he gave me" Bartender: "Well Sean, did you have anything at hand?" Sean; "Ey..... Mrs. O'Reilly's breast. A thing of beauty it is, but no use in a fight."
  • Q: What's the ultimate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. Hmmm, it seemed funnier when I was a teenager, but it's the only one I can think of right now.
  • Old lady goes to the doctors and says that she wants some viagra for her husband.the doctor saysit comes in three streangths, 25% semi hard! 50% very hard! 100% rock hard!!! she says 25% will do,its only to stop him pissing on his slippers.........
  • My all time favorite: Did you hear the one about the guy who fell into the lens grinder? Yea, he made quite a spectacle of himself.
  • A riddle for you;two men are at the opposite side of the world but are thinking the exact same thing.one is walking a tightrope between 2 skyscrapers,the other is having a blowjob off a 85 year old woman...what are they both thinking.................. dont look down dont look down,dont look down
  • The boarder poliece have been trackin a huge shipment of viagra that was stolen and brought from the US and into mexico they dont have any leads all they know is that they are looking for some hardend criminals.
  • a man walks into a bar and orders a light beer. Bartender: why are you gettin a light beer, you always get regular Man:well the last time I was here, i drank 12 beers and blew chunks. Bartender: Yeah, 12 beers'll do that to ya. Man: No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog.
  • Leroy says to his teacher miss miss can i have monday off plz?teacher says that depends on the reason,its my grandads funeral leroy replies..yes that should be no problem then....adam then says miss miss can i have monday off too,i want to go strawberry picking.?no you cant says the teacher,,,thats not fair!how come leroy gets to go blackburyin and i cant go strawberrying
  • Defination of true bravery...coming home pissed,covered in lipstick,smelling of perfume,then slapping the wife on the arse and saying your next fatty
  • Whats the Medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris...............................the wife
  • 3 men....Irish farmer,Osama Bin Laden & an englishman are granted a wish each by a genie..irish farmer wished all the land in ireland to be forever fertile.this was done in a flash...Osama was amazed....i want a wall all around all muslim countries so no western infidels can come to our precious land,in a flash a wall appeared round all muslim countries...englishman said tell me more about the wall.genie says its 5000ft high,5000ft thick,noyhing gets in and nothing gets out..englishman smiles lights a cigar and says fill it with water......
  • what 71% of men like about a blowjob the 5 minutes of silence
  • Paddy finds his wife in crotchless panties,she opens her legs and says do you want to lick this?he replies bugger off look what its done to your knickers
  • Think your having a bad day?imagine this:your a siamese twin joined at the hip.your brother is gay and your not,his lover is coming over and youve only one arse...
  • I applied for a job at a mental hospital and they said i needed at least 24 hours experiance with a retard....so i was wondering if i can knock about with you
  • Polish immigrant goes to specsavers for an eyetest.optician shows him a card with letters........C Z W I X N O S T A C Z can you read that?the pole replies"read it i know the twat
  • Ole and Sven where looking into the outhouse, it was full and they were considering their options. Ole says, "Don't you know Sven, I have a great idea. We could take two sticks of dynamite and drop them down the hole. We would time the fuses so that when the first goes off, it will lift the outhouse off the ground. And when the second one goes off it will fetilize the fields." Sven thinks that is a pretty good idea. So they get the dynamite, time the fuses, light them and drop them down the hole. They race to get behind the barn before they explode. But just before it goes off, Tina comes running out the back door, holding her skirt high, racing for the outhouse. Before Ole and Sven can stop her she is the outhouse and the first stick of dynamite goes off. Boom, the outhouse lifts off the ground. Boom, shit flies everywhere. And the outhouse falls back to about the same place. Ole and Sven run to the outhouse and open the door. OLe says"Tina, are you all right?" Tina replies, "Ya sure, but I'm glad I didn't do that in the kitchen!"
  • One snake said to the other snake, “Boy, I hope I’m not poisonous!” The other snake says, “Why?” -“because I just bit my lip” (there was this Panda bear who was at a diner and he ordered and sandwich. After he ate the sandwich he shot the waiter and left the diner. A police officer catches the Panda bear and says, “Excuse me Panda, you can’t just shot a man and then walk away from the scene of the crime.” The Panda replies, “Yes I can’t, I’m a Panda Bear, that’s what I do” Stumped the officer says, “What do you mean you can because you’re a Panda Bear” The Panda then grabs a dictionary and looks up Panda Bear and right there in the definition it reads PANDA BEAR: Eats shoots and leaves)
  • Here's a riddle: What kind of bird do you think of when you think of these emotions? Bravery........... the eagle of course right Wisdom............ the owl right Love.............. the dove wrong I meant true love......the swallow!
  • An Irishman, Swede and an Italian where in a bar in Londan, discussing the best bars they have ever been in. The Irishman says: "Ey in Dublin at O'Malley's is the best bar. Why you buy a drink and O'Malley buys you a drink. You buy another and O'Malley buys you another." The Italian say; "Oh no, the best bar is Vinny's bar in the Bronx. Why, you buy a drink and Vinny buyes you two drinks. You buy a drink and Vinny buyes you two more!" The Swede says: "Oh no, the best bar is Sven's in Minneaplis. Why in Sven's he buys you a drink and then he buys you another, and theh he buys you another. ........ And then he takes you in the back room and you get laid!" The irishman and the italian are amazed and ask,"Did that really happen to you?" The Swede says, "Oh no, not to me, but it did happen to my sister Tina!"
  • Three french and an englishman were sitting around a table talking and one used the work sang-froid. The englishman asked what sang-froid meant. The first french said it meant cold blooded. The englishman asked to give an example of it. So the first said imagine your wife and her lover are in bed together and you walk in on them. If you just leave quietly with causing a fuss, you have sang-froid. The second frenchman said no, it is a stronger word. Using the same example, everything is the same but as you leave you say please continue. The third frenchman said oh no it is a much stonger word. Using the same example only this time you are the lover, and the husband comes in and before leaving tells you to please continue........ now if you CAN continue, you have sang-froid.
  • A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
  • Here's a few, they're not all very funny.... 'Swine flu has now infected the Internet, users are being told to be vigilant against Spam mail' 'Fearing the worst I rang the swine flu hotline... but all I could hear was crackling' 'Why are girls at parties like parking spaces? Because if you get there late all the good one's are taken, so when no one's looking you stick it in the disabled one' 'Paddy & Murphy are in the jungle by a river, they see a mans head sticking out of a crocodile, Paddy says to Murphy "Look at that flash bastard in his Lacoste sleeping bag"'
  • why has captain kirk got 3 ears? His left ear, his right ear and the final frontier! Its old I know but it makes me chuckle!
  • A six year old boy walked up to a man and said, "I would like to ask you for permission to marry your daughter". The man thinking this was quite cute decided to go along with him so he asked. "Well, how do you plan on supporting my daughter?" The little boy says, "well, Janie gets 8 dollars a week and I get 10 dollars a week and we think we can get along on that". So, the man says, "where are you going to live?" The boy says, "we think we can stay at my house half the time and with you the other half of the time". The man thinks, well they have been thinking about this so he asks, "well what about kids? What happens if you have kids?" The little boy says, "well we've been lucky so far".
  • Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package On the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
  • Why do blind people hate skydiving???.....Cos it scares the crap out of their dog!!
  • The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
  • This joke came from Maxim magazine a while back: Three rats were in a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they were. One said, every morning when I wake up I go to the rat trap do 50 push ups on the bar and then eat the cheese for breakfast. The second one says, thats nothing! When I get up I eat rat poison for breakfast, I eat it right down and give a big burp! The third rat sighed, looked at his watch and said to the other two, I don't have time for this nonsence, its time for me to go home and bang the cat.
  • A man and his wife go into a forest and while there , decide to have a little sex fun .... After about fifteen minutes, the man gets up and says ; "I wish I had a flashlight." "I wish ya' did too," says his wife ; "For the last ten minutes, you've been eating grass."
  • How To Sell tooth brushes The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events ." “Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. “I made $2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush ?"
  • George W. was visiting a Florida elementary school while a fifth grade class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr.Bush if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word "tragedy." Mr.Bush asks the class for "an example of a tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says George W. "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained George W. "that's what we would call a Great Loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteered. Mr.Bush searches the room, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, in the back of the room a small boy raises his hand, in a quiet voice he says, "If you and your lawyers, Mr.Bush were to be eaten by a pack of hungry 20 foot alligators, that would certainly be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims George W., "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "it must be a tragedy, because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
  • 7-10-2017 Here is a wonderful poem about growing old: ... I forgot what I was going to say.
  • A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - "It's dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

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