I think you need to try and judge her maturity and how it will affect her.I was told at nine years old that I was adopted, I think perhaps a year later might have been better for me.I would just say in a simple way something like 'I have something to tell you.X adopted you (or the circumstances).You have a birth father'.You could perhaps say where he lives if you know and he is still alive.And just be there for her and check she is OK later on.

Tell her when you get the chance, but don't put it that way 'he's not you're father', to me a parent is the one who sticks around and raises you, not the idiot who provided the sperm or the woman who gave birth.

i am in the same situation as you,my daughter has just turned 3 though. my thoughts are the sooner she knows the beta. the later it is left the more it will mess her up. i had been thinking of telling my daughter around about the age yours is now,depending on how i think she'll be able to understand. as for what to says if you're thinking of telling her soon keep it simple. maybe something like: X isnt the daddy that made you,but he loves you and will always be there for you. he'll still "take you swimming on saturday" (mention something that he exclusively does for her) and reassure her that everything is goin to stay the same and encourage her to ask any questions she may have. discuss it with your partner too,as from my personal experience he will prob have anxieties as regards your daughters reaction.

I don't have kids so what everyone else is saying might be more valid. But, I think there is a difference between telling a kid that they're adopted and telling them that one of their parents isn't their real parent. I would wait until she is at least 10. Only because at 5 kids are smart but not comprehensive--even if you do tell her, I doubt she'll get it. But, like I said, I don't have kids.

Wait until she's mature enough to understand. That age will vary. When in doubt, wait.

If the man has raised her for most of her life and he is the only father she knows, why would you want to tell her so young, why does it matter now, at 5 and why take away the relationship your husband has built. I have a 5 year old who is a full blown "Daddys Boy" his world actually revolves around his dad. I cant see anyone making a 5 year old understand the importance of this, why take away her feelings of love and the security of a family. I would seriously talk to your husband and get his input on this, it may cause hurt feelings and resentment.

You need to be honest with your child and always tell her the truth according to her age....meaning tell her what she needs to know and what she asks. But always be truthful. This answer comes from "Bonus Families": "Let me start by reassuring you that you are not alone in this dilemma. It is not unusual, and your daughter is fortunate to have a stepfather that is a loving and close parent. The first thing you should know is that being a "real" parent has little to do with biology and much, much more to do with time spent, love given and actual day to day parenting. You probably need to start doing is helping her understand the difference between biological and step. The truth is always the best way to go, so begin by explaining that you and another man used to love each other and decided to have a baby (her). You may have done some of this already but it's fine to repeat it. Tell her that you and he simply couldn't live together and after very careful thought, got a divorce, but that she is still made up of a part of each of you (this may be when you have to explain conception, if you've been lucky enough to avoid it until now!) She will now have a child's grasp on what being a "biological" parent means. You will then need to tell her that after you and her birth father split up, you met her stepfather. It will be very important to discuss how happy he was to meet her and excited to become her father." For more tips, see http://bonusfamilies.com/articles/bonus-experts.php?id=125

Very tough question. 5 is way too young, I think. Most of the time, these things work out in their own way. For instance, if you and your daughter are watching a movie about adoption on T.V., sometimes it will get your daughter to thinking and she may surprise you with a few questions about it. Sometimes, one of her school friends will bring the subject up, and your daughter will come home and ask you questions about being adopted. Just judge it by your daughters maturity. I would probably start thinking about telling her around the age of 12 or so. But, chances are, she will come to you about it when she is ready.

Number one I would reasses my definition of 'Real Father' Is the guy who got her 'real mother' pregnant her 'real' father - or is the 'real' father the man who, presumably, has been there for her for however many years, has loved her and provided for her and been a Dad to her....

I am in exactly the same situation with my 5 year old daughter!! My feelings are that if she knows in simple terms now, it is going to be far less hurtful than sitting her down at say 10 years old, when it's going to come as a big shock, and you'll have to deal with the fallout from that. At 5, the details are going to be far less important to her, and certainly in my case she was more ready to accept it. If you're looking for an opening, we looked at birth cirtificates and marriage certificates for the whole family including hers, didn't make a big deal when we looked at hers, and then moved onto the next certificate. Also, there is a book for kids produced by the British Association of Adoption and Fostering, called 'Joining Together' ISBN 978-1-873868-67-6. Available from www.amazon.co.uk and www.baaf.org.uk. Good luck - I hope it all works out for you and your family.

You should well i would tell mines when she is about 5 to 7 so it is no suprise and she will get over it quick... Loving him will come naturally by what he do for her and what you all do as a family.... Kids adapt alot quicker than we think..Sure they get harder as they get older but that would happen even if they was with the birth dad...... GOOD Luck..

YES! you should tell her that although he is not her "real" daddy, he loves her very much. have your partner there to reinforce and help you if you need. and let her ask questions so she can understand. i really believe you should tell her as soon as possible - otherwise, you'll wake up and she'll be 20 and still not know. the sooner you tell her, the sooner she'll come to accept it - much harder to do when she's older, and she won't be hurt that you've not told her.

Let's get something straight.. if you are with a man and he has been co-parenting this child with you for more than a year or so, he is her real "father". My husband describes his genetic contributor as "the dick he rode in on". If her sperm donor decides he wants to be a man and be a part of his daughter's life, then I would tell her. For now, just let sleeping dogs lie.

i would tell her now at her age level,when she asks any questions then you will answer at her own requests

If your daughter"s father treats her,acts and lives a life as her real father, then he is her father. why bother telling her if her biological father doesnt matter-excist in her life?,if its meant for her to know she'll fnd out when shes an adult. Its already hard enough being a kid in this world with common complications. As far as her birth cirtificate,a piece of paper doesnt tuck your baby in at night & read her a bedtime story,nor feed or love your child,a real father who is there for her does.

If your daughter"s father treats her,acts and lives a life as her real father, then he is her father. why bother telling her if her biological father doesnt matter-excist in her life?,if its meant for her to know she'll fnd out when shes an adult. Its already hard enough being a kid in this world with common complications. As far as her birth cirtificate,a piece of paper doesnt tuck your baby in at night & read her a bedtime story,nor feed or love your child,a real father who is there for her does. PS THIS IS MY NEW PROFILE-I LOST THE OTHER ONE'S PASSWORD

It probley would be best if you let her know right from the begining if she grows up knowing this it will not be such a big deal but if you wait and tell her when she is older she could lose all trust in you and your husband. If I were you I think I would talk to someone who is a professional she is very young.

Telling a child at that age is just cruel. "guess what honey, that's not really your father." What's the point? Why would you do that? Like another person said, let sleeping dogs lie. It's needless. MAYBE when she gets older...and I don't mean 10...I'm talking grown up, maybe 18 or so..when she can actually understand things like this.

I think you should use your judgement on the best age and also what the circumstance is..They may be a reason for her not needing to know right now in order to protect her.I have a 13 year old now who dosent know that her dad isnt her dad..He adopted her when she was 1..Her real dad was a very abusive person..The4 bad part is he lives only a few miles down the road from her now..I Want her to know sooner or later but she needs my protection from him now.So to me its just according to the situation

tough one. My first thought was that when you DO tell her, you're going to probably also going to have to do the "sex talk", and explain all that, so that might help you pick an age... or give you more questions, I mean when do you do the "sex talk"?

Are you in contact with her "real" father? Do you plan to have him in her life? If there is no possibility that they will ever meet, therefore no possibility for her to get blood transfusions or organ transplants from him or learn his history, what is the point?

I used to be an adoption social worker. The "normal" way to deal with these issues in our modern times is to tell the child from the moment she can start understanding such things! Reason being: if it becomes natural to them, they cannot be hurt by it, EVER. Also, there are too, too, too many examples of Drunk Aunt Cathy spilling the beans at a Christmas party. If everyone knows but the kid, you are leaving room for too many errors on the part of your friends and family. And the LAST place you want an important decision like this, is out of your hands!

if it was me i would wnt to grow up accepting the fact. if you leave it too late it could be painful news and she could start to resent her father. however i have know alot of people who in their teens got the same or similar news and if their strong they handle it well. generally the father being a great father helps them handle the news. as long as your daughter know you and your husband love her things will work out fine. good luck.

Do it before she's an adult. My mom waited until my sister was in her 30s to tell her. It was devastating to my sister.

Look, the first few answers here are correct, tell her as soon as you think she can understand what it means that you are telling her, I would probably guess that age would be around 7 or 8. My niece is 15 now and she found out exactly as zazzy put it, by a relative who had had too much to drink. To make matters worse, now my sister doesn't want to tell her the truth and the father she has known just denies it, he raised her from 3 months old. She is nearly an adult and they've never told her...it's going to affect her in a lot of ways, but mostly I think she is just going to be extremely angry with her mother...for a long time.

The sooner you tell her the better. My aunt and uncle adopted a kid when she was only about 3 mo. old. And they decided to tell her when she could understand and she knows she's adopted and all but she still loves them. Her outlook on her life with them didn't change one bit. :D So, it's all up to you and when you think you are ready. Don't be scared to tell her either

My mother told me that my ex-stepfather wasn't my biological father around 5 or younger. Not quite sure. I was quite young though. Tell her sooner than later. ... Don't tell her after she's had an disagreement by her dad though. I'm quite happy despite not having a father. (Him and I, never got along.) Also might have a talk with her on using her dad as medical reference. If you know things that have run in her biological father's family, it'd be bets to tell her to use those with yours.

i think you should tell her now. At 5 she wont grasp the concept but as she gets older she's continously knowing the idea...and will grow up comfortable with it. If you tell her at like 10+ it'll devastate her.

I told my son when he was 7, but he is a little slow. My husband has been my boys dad since he was 6 months old. I have always talked about his bio dads family and told him he had an uncle and a grandma and so on, he even knew his cousins from his bio dads side. And he knew that his uncles brother was Jeremy. So he knew of him, but didnt know him. It made it easier to have it all fall into place when we did tell him. I would tell her right away. But keep it simple. Just introduce the idea of him. Say his name to her, show her a picture of him. Tell him you used to know him. Have her watch "Miss Spider" and read the book to her. This is a cartoon about two spiders who take in other little bugs. Explain to her why that bug has a spider for a mom and dad. You can even make her, her own book. Use pictures of the bio dad and you. Tell her the story, keep it kid friendly... Once upon a time Joe(use the actual names) met Sally and they fell in love and had a baby, then show a picture of her when she was a baby and use her name, she might even know its her. Then go on to say that Joe and Sally got sad or whatever happend but keep it non judgmental and kid friendly. And say that Joe and Sally didnt want to be friends or didnt love buddies anymore, keep it simple. You can say that baby and Sally were sad and lonely, but one day John (show picture) came along and Made Sally happy and wanted to be Babies new dad. If there was an adoption and a marriage then say it. Say that John loved them so much he married Sally and adopted baby. If there wasnt then say that he moved in with them and takes good care of them care of them. And then show pictures and things that are from her being little till now, use pictures of things that have all three of you or just her and her step/adopted dad. The idea is to emphasize on him being the new dad. Keep it simple about her once having another dad. She doesnt need all the details now. Just introduce to her the idea of it and openly talk about it to her and to her new dad. If you talk in front of her about the bio dad (but dont talk bad about him) she will get used to it. And it wont be a big shock to her when she is older. If you wait till it is too late, she could be mad and think you guys are dishonest and be mad at you, she could get very hurt by it. but if you introduce it to her now, it will make things easier later. With my son, my husband and I say stuff like, when you brush your hair like that you look like Jeremy or if we drive by Jeremy's old house, I say Jeremy used to live there. As your girl gets older she might start asking questions. But it will be easier for her, because she will already know. it will just be a part of her life.

my daughter was 4 and we allowed her to be apart of the adoption hearing, it was nice.. we have always been open and honest with her about everything.. she is now 13.. knowing at a young age allows them to have the idea in their heads and makes it easier to ask and answer questions as they grow..

My wife and I have two adopted children, they both know where they came from and our family story of how we became a family. There are lots of books on this subject but the best advice given to us was to always be truthful and use age appropriate language. Simply answer questions without overloading them with details. Example: Mommy did I grow in your tummy. Ans. No you grew in someone elses tummy because mommy has a boo-boo in hers.

The man who is taking care of her is her "real" father. Tell her when you are ready to discuss the facts of life. It's only biological, love makes parents, not genetics.

I would say when she is 15-16.

first of all i need to know are you divorced or did the dad leave

No you should wait till she is older and emotionally mature enough to deal with. Who are you going to tell her for you or her. I was told at a young age and it made me feel insecure and unwanted. Experts as well belive that a child should be told when they are older, when you do tell her make her feel wanted. Cos some adopted children can rebel not against you but aginst the parents who rejected them. dont keep mentioning it when you do tell them. I know a couple who everytime they meet poeple say 'this is my son he,s adopted' and the child cringes.