ANSWERS: 1
  • As you know I don't think expressing it as though it is something done to us is right. As we are actively engaged then we share in the responsibility. It is almost our destiny and responsibility but I was not ready for that at 19 and had an unfortunate abortion. My boyfriend sort of just acted like it was my problem. He didn't outright blame me or anything like that but more was just something he did not want to deal with so it wasn't mentioned and I took care of everything. This was disappointing because a demonstration of perhaps how little he really cared for me and a foreshadowing of his leaving me oh six months later after I had moved to the other side of the country with him. After that I was older and would not have had an abortion. The sociological climate in the 1970s was very abortion-friendly and many of us had them some more than once. That changed a few years later and even by the end of the 70s more girls were keeping their babies. I was in my mid 20s the next time and I would say it gratified my boyfriend's ego and it was much more positive for me being with someone I loved and who I thought cared about me. I lost it which was really just as well because what I mistook for caring was more his need to control and dominate and before long things turned nightmarish. The next time was about ten years later and my boyfriend was older and already had three children I was taking care of. He just accepted it as something natural but as more a woman's thing as he was a busy professional and the way he looked at it he was the "breadwinner" (though I had a good job) and kids were for us to care for. I went to the second month that time. Several years later the father was one of two married men I had spent a night with and I did not want anything more to do with them so had I carried it to term I would not have told them. Not having been in a happy or stable relationship I understood that if they knew I would have to share which I did not want to do and rather I planned to look for someone more right for me to be the "real" father. To me it seems people have become very sentimental now about motherhood/fatherhood wit shared custody and "visiting rights" and they use the kid(s) more to fight with each other and settle old or new scores rather than do what is right for the kids. I think children need stability in home life.
    • dorat
      Excellent point - about it being done to you. My heart goes out to you. As I think I have mentioned, I was in an affair with a married woman - of which to this day I am ashamed - and she got pregnant. Both our faults. I asked her to keep the baby - in my 20s I was naive enough to believe we could all "work it out" - and after saying yes she changed her mind and had an abortion and told me later. It broke my heart and as happy as I am now, I still think about that little baby I never knew. So I get what you mean when you say an "unfortunate" abortion. I do think that you are right that too often parents use kids in their fights, and as to your ex, I just cannot understand any man who would not be happy to be told he was going to be a father, whatever the circumstances --- but it takes all kinds, I guess.

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