ANSWERS: 26
  • it doesn't help to list only his negative aspects. think about why you want to forgive him. list his good qualities.
  • Forgiveness is a choice, not a process. Just choose to forgive him. I went through the same process. I wasted a lot of years trying to make my father realize how he negatively affected my life. The problem with an uncaring, selfish person is that they don't care. You're never going to get what you want from them, so forgive them for your benefit. The faster you forgive, the faster you can put it all behind you and start to move forward.
  • Do you want to, or do you think you should because he's your father? If he is all the things you say, then do you want him in your life? I'm not saying they're the same, but my father is all the things you said about yours, and worse. I cut all ties with him about 3 years ago and firmly believe he is the one missing out, not me. If you do want to forgive him, then find out the reasons (not excuses) for why he is the way he is. Forgivness comes from understanding, and time. Good luck :)
  • You just do, that's all. While doing so, think positive and give your father credit points, circumstances in his life might have been bad or he was sick. When you give love, real love, you will receive love. I wish you the best - and your father too.
  • Choose to forgive. He may be totally unaware or feeling incapable of the qualities you've desired from him. I was "that guy" until I woke up to the truth of the situation. I've asked my daughter (through letters)to forgive me and that it was completely wrong. It is possible that he too, did not feel close to his parents and so it wasn't modeled to him....this is why we must break this nasty cycle! I feel your pain. You do have a Father that does deeply love you by the way. And He can heal and take away your pain.
  • Hello Lone Ranger. You used the word "was", does this mean he is no longer this way?. If it does then it sounds as if he has changed his ways and is trying to repair past damage done. If this is the case it should make it easier for you to forgive. For me, forgiveness is not free. It requires the one being forgiven to first, repair what damage has been done when possible, change their behavior that led to them needing forgivness in the first place and then apologizing for their actions. If they are not willing to do these things then my offering "forgivness" is pointless. It changes nothing, so I move on realizing that it is what it is and they are who they are... In your case you have to chances for a loving caring child-parent relationships. The first is when YOU are the child, which in your case didn't go so well. The second chance is when YOU are the parent , Luckily this will be up to YOU and through your experiences you will know how to do this very well. Good luck to you, I hope you have a good life.....
  • I'm in the same boat. My father was physically abusive, didn't contribute to household expenses, let my mother support him while he supported his hobbies. I can't forgive him. I don't have the power to forgive him. But I know the Bible says that we are forgiven as we forgive. So all I can do is to constantly ask God to put His forgiveness of my father in my heart. This is from Matthew, chapter 18: 21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" 22 Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. 23 "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26 "The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' 27 The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 28 "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. 29 "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' 30 "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. 32 "Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35 "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
  • The same way I forgave my mother for leaving my father and me right after I was born. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for them. Harboring unforgiveness leads to all sorts of psychological problems, even physical health problems. Unforgiveness becomes bitterness and bitterness becomes death ... not for them, but for you. Free yourself so you can live.
  • i think you should first really decide if you REALLY want him in your life....there are many people who have cut off ties with parents and found that life is great after that...i heard a theory "try to think of your parent as a person first, then as a parent...if you take the sanctity of 'parenthood' away, you'll see that you prob would have nothing to do with that person if they weren't your parent"....to many this sounds harsh, but i find truth in it Now, if you are ready to accept that you've been mistreated and feel your father is worth keeping in your life, i've got a "forgiveness trick" : every time you get mad at your father for being a jerk, think of a time when YOU were a jerk....is it too much to assume there may have been someone who cares/cared about you and YOU hurt them somehow? Most of us have done this...think of how YOU also have hurt someone who didnt deserve it. Chances are you prob wish you hadn't hurt them and want to be forgiven for your mistake...Reminding yourself of this will help to see that, like you, your father is human and makes mistakes...not one person on this earth is perfect, we ALL error...this really helps me to balance things out when I start getting self-righteous about someone who did me wrong...(i'm not saying YOU'RE self-righteous, in fact, i can understand your pain, just sharing with you what has helped me in the past) good luck
  • Have Jesus help you.
  • i'm not sure. maybe start by finding out who he was, what made him not have that fatherly instinct to love and protect. Maybe if his father was that way he became that way good luck
  • I wish I could help you. I'm not too good at forgiving. :) I leave things in the past and move on..I don't believe in retaliation or revenge...I don't harbor ill will against anyone and I don't hate. But to forgive is devine and I am just a human being. :)
  • Perhaps forgiveness will come with acceptance and understanding.
  • I have had the same problem wih both of my parents. Neither were exemplary, to say the least. One thing I can share that I have learned is that forgiveness isn't something that normally happens at the drop of a hat. Most of us don't just decide to forgive and that's that. Forgiveness is mostly a process....some days you are great at it, and other days you feel like you have made no progress at all. BOTH of these are completely normal! It has helped me to realize that, before those two people were my parents, they were human before that, and every human has issues. Just because you become a parent doesn't mean your problems go away. If anything, they become magnified! So, look at it this way.....if you have issues, wouldn't you want to be forgiven? We don't forgive people because they deserve it; we forgive them because they NEED it.
  • Simply by being, attentive, loving and caring in your own life. You cannot undo what he has done but you can be the best person 'because' of it :o)
  • A friend of mine was abused as a child by her adoptive father. She has been able to forgive him for this and move on herself to become a very loving and attentive mother to her 3 children. She still has regular contact with her father and has said to me in her own words "I am not angry at Dad, but I am angry at God for giving me the life I have had. I need to be able to forgive God now and I'm struggling to work out how, but at the same time I am grateful for my upbringing as it has shown me exactly what NOT to do and I'm doing good". She knows not to expect great things from her father and knows that they will never have a loving father/daughter relationship as others would expect to have. She has grown to accept he is who he is.
  • hey, it's me again...well, i think it sounds like you're just not ready to forgive your father...remember that a mistake is a mistake, your comment "being hurt by parents is a unique type of 'hurt'" kind of tells me that perhaps that you dont see what he did as a "common universal mistake" so to speak, but a mistake is a mistake...maybe YOU wouldnt do this to someone, but there IS something that you've done or would do, that many other people wouldnt do, that maybe even your father wouldnt do......I guess what I'm trying to say is you never know what mistakes YOU might make, so just try to keep in mind that he's only human: he screwed up is he even asking to be forgiven? like i said before, is he worth keeping in your life? seriously ask yourself 'cause it doesnt seem like it....again, hoping the best for you
  • nothing to forgive. he gave you apathy, you give him apathy. simple as that
  • If there's hope for something positive to come out of forgiving him, that's all you need =)
  • kill him
  • I think at some level you have to forgive so that you might have peace. Weather they deserve it or not, you have to be happy
  • It might help if you find out why he was these ways. Often fathers treat their children the same way he was treating growing up. Why do you want to forgive him?
  • You dont. He is a negative person and you need not be around negative people. Unless they can truly show that they will add positive things to your life in a good way, then maybe , maybe you can forgive....but understand he is that way because he is unhappy with himself! Misery loves company. Go on and live your life the way you WANT TO...dont let him bring you down because he doesnt love his life!!!
  • By being better then him. My step-father was the same way. I forgave him but i do not talk to him anymore.
  • My dad wasn't there for me or my brother ( Bur he takes care of his three other kids to daughter and a son)My brother drinks becuese of that and all most got killed becuse of it I feel so bed for him becuse of it I had to dig really deep inside to forgive him and once I did no I feel peace within myself I hope for the best for you
  • Bohemian, I know exactly what you are going through with your father because I, and all my sisters are too. In my case, I have forgiven my father for all of the shit he has done to me because I love who I am today and what I went thorugh made me this way, but in the end since I have left home I feel like all of the shit he pulls is actually hurting me more than helping me by having a relationship with him. I want to believe that having a father-daughter relationship can happen but how can one be buil one when the father acts like he does not love or care about me or my sisters. Countless times my sisters have told him what he does hurts us, but shit still continues. This past weekend he did it again and I have had it. I told him exactly how I(and my sisters too) felt about how he acts. All we want is a father to be there for us and show us he cares. Our mother left us and she does not even try to have a relationship with any of us. I feel like I have to let go of my dad if he doesn't start acting like he cares. Indeed no one is perfect but enough is enough. It hurts way too much. If I erase them out of my life, nothing will change in my life. Besides maybe less emails written. Confront him, have faith, and if all else fails, be strong and do what you gotta do. Be real about your situation, no sugar coating. If you really feel like you have to cut him out then do it, otherwise keep trying to work it out. Cutting someone out of your life is an extreme reaction, you have to be 100% sure that is what needs to be done. I am at the point where if shit don't change, bye bye.

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